Featuring acts like The Black Keys, Alabama Shakes, Kings of Leon and, for some reason, Train, the Bottlerock festival in Napa Valley was the perfect event for Californians who wanted a ton of comedy and music crammed into five days, but didn’t want to deal with the morons at Coachella. But who played when and what is meaningless, because Pretty Little Liars and Spring Breakers star Ashley Benson was there in her tiny jean shorts over the weekend, and there just aren’t enough music festivals anymore.
Ashley was also showing off her perfect catalog model pose because she’s the new face of American Eagle. I don’t know much about advertising, but if you put Ashley’s ass on a poster for AIDS, there’s a chance I might pay for sex in Ghana. So well done, American Eagle.
If arguing with anonymous people in the comments sections of grainy photos posted by celebrities is your thing, then Instagram is a pretty awesome social networking site. But if you don’t appreciate the finer points of being called a cunt by someone halfway around the world, then Instagram is probably worthless to you. That is, unless you follow Spring Breakers star Ashley Benson, who loves to post photos of herself in bikinis.
Aside from Pretty Little Liars, I don’t know anything else that Benson has done, but she could euthanize kittens for sport and that would be fine as long as she keeps posting these pictures. In fact, if more attractive blonde girls posted photos like these to their Instagram accounts, the world would be a much better place and terrorism would completely stop.
I have no information to back that claim up, but it wouldn’t kill us to at least try.
Coachella is a massive three-day music festival in California that showcases lineups of some of the most legendary music acts in the world, like the Wu-Tang Clan, which headlined this year to support its new album. Unfortunately, Coachella has become more famous for its celebrity sight-seeing, as B- and C-listers from Kate Bosworth to Julianne Hough can be spotted in the crowd pretending to be really into whatever bands are playing at the time that they’re pretending not to be posing for pictures.
Among the celebrities at Coachella 2013 was Spring Breakers star Ashley Benson (above right) who sometimes looks like this but chose to dress like that. I’m not saying that she should dress like she did in Spring Breakers for the rest of her life, but at least until she turns 30 so we get the best of her prime.
Ashley Benson has confirmed her split from year-long boyfriend, Ryan Good. It’s always good news when a hot girl becomes single. But it’s great news when Ryan Good loses something valuable. You probably don’t even know who this dude is, but you should, and then you can wish him ill will too.
Ryan Good was, is, officially, Justin Bieber’s ‘swagger coach’. When Usher was searching YouTube for ‘sexy underaged boys’ and discovered Justin Bieber, he realized that as tween-girl friendly as Justin was, he was just a dorky kid from Canada who wasn’t ready to be a true player. Enter Ryan Good. A douchy 20-something dude with tons of swagger. So much swagger that Usher and his team hired Ryan Good to shadow Justin’s every move, bunk with him 24×7, and teach him the ways of the swagger. The way to walk, to talk, to flash his gang signs, to give his cool shoutouts, how to dress, how to bend down and touch the hands of every 12-year old girl in his audience, while giving their horny housewife mom’s a salacious wink. Ryan Good helped turn Justin Bieber into Justin Bieber. It was like Ra’s al Ghul training Bane. Well, not like that at all, because that would make Bieber Bane, when in fact Bieber is just a 120-pound full-of-himself pussy with bangs.
Hey, look, there’s that swaggerific Ryan Good ginning up the young teen crowd in Paris at Bieber’s movie premiere. Dick.
Some dude in Italy decided to simultaneously tug one out while handicamming the fast-becoming infamous pool sex scene from Spring Breakers between Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, and James Franco. The optimists believe that you can see more of Vanessa Hudgens in this sex scene than you’ve witnessed since she cell phone shot her own cooch several years ago now. Meh, between the shaky handheld shooting the shaky handheld and the Italian dubbing, I’m kind of lost in a sea of what looks like a lot of almost nudity. It mostly just reminds me of the first time I had sex with a larger girl, or more simply known as, the first time I had sex. There was lots of white skin and splashing and softly whispered foreign language looping and when it was over I didn’t feel as happy as pleased as I thought I would.
For more almost Vanessa Hudgens skin, check out her boobs almost falling out of her top backstage at Jimmy Kimmel last night.
Just because you’re about to eat the pavement is no reason to stop being photogenic. Just ask ‘Pretty Little Liars’ star Ashley Benson, who fell to a heap on the sidewalk outside Chateau Marmont last night. She looks better falling down than Kristen Stewart does on a movie poster. Maybe that’s it, maybe we should sneak up behind Kristen and push her down, or have a big mean dog chase her. Maybe she would smile then. And if not, hey, no harm done.