When you leave Beirut on the burro for the Miss Universe pageant, you’re given two instructions. Smile like you’re from a better country and don’t get fucking near Miss Israel or Hezbollah will decapitate your family and shit down their neck stumps. For two weeks of whatever the hell they do at Miss Universe, Miss Lebanon kept her distance from Miss Israel. But sinister sneaky Jews being what they are, Miss Israel bided her time then popped into frame with Miss Lebanon in a selfie she posted to Twitter. All hell broke loose in Lebanon. Three times the usual rubble was created. Miss Lebanon was called a traitor, a Jew lover, and was in danger of losing her country crown to the chick with the infected face scab who came in a close second. Miss Lebanon quickly took to social media
Miss Lebanon’s manager filed a complaint with the Miss Universe pageant and demanded Miss Israel be removed from the competition. Then he turned to the camera and told people Beirut was lovely in the Spring and the Intercontinental had vacancies. The Miss Universe judges re-acted by naming Miss Colombia the winner because she’s hot and Spanish and learned early in life that men love tits more than politics.
Someday, legitimate science will prove that a big rack is worth a fortune. A potential fortune. Some women reject their blessings and toss it away like the super tall kid who eschews basketball and ends up cramped in coach the rest of his life. But most turn their genetic hand-up into some level of benefit. You work in a 40-something pregnancy and you’re suddenly on a yacht married to a French dude worth fifteen billion in Vichy gold. It happens that fast. Flat chested girls, back to work. The copper mines don’t mine themselves and the girls with big tits need new cellphones.
Last week I had no idea what Lauren Stoner did. Thanks to a barrage (three) emails from her fans, it turns out Lauren was a very valuable cast member of The Spin Crowd, the short-lived Kim Kardashian produced reality show about girls working in a P.R. agency. The show was so stupid that even stupid people who watch stupid shows called it stupid and refused to watch. None of which should take away from Lauren Stoner’s hot ass. We need to separate the art from the artist.
Ryanair is pretty much considered the single worst airline in the world. I’m not making that up, they came in dead last in the Zagat survey, or first I suppose, if you’re striving to be the worst. They scored worse than Aeroflot, that’s no simple task. The airline is constantly in the news for safety concerns, near misses and collisions, shoddy service, janky onboard flight practices, fees for everything from crackers to toilet use, seats and overhead luggage compartments littered with paid ads, and just generally being really effin’ stinky. Literally. There’s even a IHateRyanair website where people can get together to share their hatred of Ryanair. But, they do have sort of hot flight attendants. And they pose in a bikini calendar each year to try and get your mind off the fact that you’re probably going to die on your next Ryanair flight, or wish you could.
Marc Anthony probably got sick to shit of seeing Jennifer Lopez having sex with, and buying Range Rovers for, her 20-something gay backup dancer So he decided to top her by picking up 22-year old Chloe Green, the chunky big boobed heiress to the British Topshop clothing store fortune, and he took her to Disneyland with him and the kids to show JLo that he was both banging a girl half his age and also letting that same chick take care of JLo’s kids.
Marc Anthony might be a weasel-faced skinny bitch looking man-boy with a Megan’s Law mustache, but this was a power FU.
You might think that Leonardo DiCaprio would be upset today after hearing that Blake Lively (his ex-girlfriend) married Ryan Reynolds this weekend. But here’s DiCaprios current girlfriend, Erin Heatherton, shooting for Victorias Secret today in Miami. He might think this is Blake Lively. Or he probably doesn’t even remember that he dated Blake Lively. It would be like asking your dog about a shoe he ate last year.