April Love Geary in A Bikini

April Love Geary posted a whole bunch of vacation photos of her tits and ass to remind the world why she gets to have Robin Thicke in his vests laying on top of her each night. It's like a quarterback showing off his college football championship rings after being traded to the Browns. We know you were once great.read more

Camila Morrone in A Bikini

Models now routinely maintain eponymous websites where they deliver health and fashion and lifestyle advice based on the fact that they're in their 20's and really good looking. You could waste a ton of tuition dollars and work training hours only to discover nobody gives a shit about your professional advice. Or you could just be pretty and tell everybody about dangerous sugars hidden in fruits and the best place to...read more

Erika Jordan Red Bikini For Red Nose Day

I hate when people start celebrating Red Nose Day early. Red Nose Day is May 26, a day designated to celebrate a photo of a white guy hugged by half a dozen starving African kids. Not an entire week like the manner in which we honor God or public school teachers.read more

Heidi Klum in A Bikini Tanning at Eden Roc

There may be something to all those celebrities lying about medical issues so they can use surrogates to birth their offspring. Breeding is the beautiful miracle of life, but a motherfucker on your abdominals. You can always spot the mothers of large broods sunning by the pool. Who hurt you, Heidi?read more

Jennifer Nicole Lee in A Bikini

There are certain signs you're never going to catch on in the social media age. Or just one sign. You're over twenty-five. In this dystopian Instagram age, you're dead as soon as you stop growing. Anatomically. Who shall sing at your funeral? No, sorry, not Whitney. She knew better than to stick around and watch middled age marginalized ramp up to numb disdain on Paxil.read more

Tanya Burr Has Bikini Ass Confidence

Tanya Burr is the YouTube and Instagram shit in England. Her fashion and lifestyle channels consume the attention of every single British chick not sporting an overbite and singing sad songs in a pub. Burr offers up gems of advice you can't find anywhere else, save for every single women's magazine ever published.read more

Stina Sanders in A Bikini

Stina Sanders was rising in her modeling career until she agreed to perform a social experiment where she only posted untouched, no makeup, no tits photos to her Instagram account. Sort of like that social experiment where you step in front of oncoming traffic to see if a shattered clavicle and compound complex tibia fracture hurts like a motherfuckerread more

Natasha Oakley and Devin Brugman in Black Bikinis

These two chicks sell swimwear online. They visit popular beaches in matching bikinis waiting for cued up hunky boyfriends to run over and kiss them ferociously as men disturbingly do in porn when she still has your cum on her lips. This country has moved to a digital entrepreneurial economy.read more

Dani Thorne in A Bikini

Not every Von Erich could wrestle.Not every Thorne sister looks like Bella. What becomes of the beta versions of your stage kids? You literally told them who needs an education when you can get a degree in rich and famous.read more

Kristen Wiig in A Bikini

Not-fat female comedians have a rougher road than most. Nobody cares Melissa McCarthy hit the ice box at two in the morning breaking on the inside. She's still that funny chick from Bridesmaids. America doesn't want a skinny John Candy. That's why we had him killed. If you're Kristen Wiig in a bikini on the beach, the paradigm shifts.read more

Marcella Braga Made It Out

Olympics fever has turned out to be mostly Zika. The IOC is producing thousands of tiny sized baby knit caps as souvenirs for foreign visitors to Rio in August. Attractive Brazilian woman like this chick know exactly what to do during pandemics and inflation crisis, head for the fucking exits.read more

Kate England in A Bikini

Can you be friends with a woman you've seen butt-fucked seventy-three times on camera? Gaping for a living seems less troubling than a woman who consumes self-help non-fiction. If adult film acting credentials were the sole factor by which you chose female friends friends, you'd notice your guy friends wanting to come over far more often. Many of them would bring beer and willingly offer to help you move furniture....read more

Nausicaa in A Bikini

The standards by which you can go by the single moniker have changed through the years. You used to have to pay your dues before everybody just accepted you as Sting or Iman. Now you call yourself Nausicaa and look to the heavens awaiting an angelic bukkake. I'm betting this one doesn't catch on. But I would've said the same about Madonna when she showed up at my art studio at nineteen offering to take off her top for...read more

Kaili Thorne in Bikinis

It's not easy living with the lady wage gap. Wpmen taking home seven cents on the dollar for the coin men can earn teasing each other swimsuits in the surf outside David Geffen's beach house. When these girls get handed a pack of sugar-free Jelly Belly's and some old railroad ties as renumeration for shaking their implants, the women's movement will take four steps backward. Take a seat by the thinking tree and ponder...read more

Miss Lebanon's Future Seems Bleak

When you leave Beirut on the burrofor the Miss Universe pageant, you're given two instructions. Smile like you're from a better country and don't get fucking near Miss Israel or Hezbollah will decapitate your family and shit down their neck stumps. For two weeks of whatever the hell they do at Miss Universe, Miss Lebanon kept her distance from Miss Israel. But sinister sneaky Jews being what they are, Miss Israel...read more