By Lex June 18, 2015 @ 8:19 AM
A month ago they were making out on a balcony and Sean Penn was planning on adopting Charlize Theron’s Hollywood black baby. He even voluntarily handed over his arsenal of personal firearms when Charlize explained to him she’s not been comfortable with them in the house since mom blew drunk dad’s head off. Now, it’s over. It’s always sad when injectable anti-aging hormones and blind rage come between an otherwise happy couple. Ray Rice’s wife told the world that her elevator beat down made her and her husband more committed to their marriage. Though Janay Rice isn’t pulling down ten mill a picture twice a year to her individual bank account. The thing about dating a dude with alcoholism and domestic violence in his past, it’s a real roulette wheel of anticipation. Like trying to get all those puzzle pieces placed back into the game of Perfection before the timer runs out and Sean Penn kicks you in the uterus. I want my salad bowl back. Not because I need the money, I just fucking love salads.
Photo Credit: Splash
By colin April 09, 2015 @ 9:23 AM
Reporters feel obliged to ask actors about how they personally relate to the character in their current movie and actors feel obliged to make up some bullshit answer. Everybody has to pretend that making movies is not simply pretend. That would make both sides seem slightly less important. For her new movie about a girl traumatized from witnessing her family being slaughtered, Charlize Theron had a pretty good kicker. Her mom shot her dad to death when Charlize was a teen after abusive alcoholic dad started roaming the house drunk with his shotgun firing off rounds and threatening to kill his family.
“As far as events go, they’re very similar. There’s a murder [in the film], while my situation was a very unfortunate incident with self-defense.”
Good on Charlize to stick to that self-defense line they all agreed on in the house that night watching asshole dad bleed out. Given that she’s now serious with a guy who used to get drunk and beat on his wife, Charlize Theron has taken precautions to ensure Sean Penn won’t be able to shoot her or her suddenly appearing African baby. Theron asked Penn to give up his gun collection. Penn agreed, declaring the ugliness of guns and insisting he was going to “render inactive all of my cowardly killing machines.” Penn had 65 guns in the house. That’s a shitload of cowardice. You know he held on to one. Fortunately Charlize knows what to do when the time comes.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 11:36 AM
I don’t want to show pictures of Sean Penn because his resting bitchy face gives me asthma. Here’s Charlize Theron. She’s the last great trick of this overbearing Svengali. Sean Penn’s movie The Gunman just tanked out of the gates because he polished the Taken clone script with too many topless old man roid body scenes and personal political statements. There’s no single worse combo than vanity and self-righteousness. Maybe a super hot girl with The AIDS. The odds are still in your favor. Plus she won’t talk nonstop about the Cuban healthcare system. She knows it’s a myth. She’s got The AIDS and she’s already inquired. Pick her for the long car ride.
Photo Credit: James White For Capitol Grand
By Lex February 09, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
If Charlize Theron’s engagement can teach us anything, it’s that family isn’t bound by rigid construct. Sometimes it’s a roided out short guy, you, and the cute baby you bought at the Gaborone Duty Free because they were out of Beefeaters. Family is where the love is. Until dad’s HGH goes into a mud pie and he packs that cute toddler into a Boxes Etc 24×24, labels it Ebola Land and tosses it out of his moving Ranchero in front of the post office. Better hope you can run on this blackjacked knees, Charlize. You know Sean forgets air holes when he’s in a mood. African baby or abusive old husband. You’ve got to give one of them back.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 9:51 AM
Having to model and be Sean Penn’s woman is rather restrictive. That means you can’t eat and you can only speak when Sean hands you the Navajo talking stick. Half the time he just does it to deke you and crack you across the skull. It’s no wonder Charlize indulged herself with a full orange slice on the set of her Esquire photo shoot. And a decent conversation with that nameless less attractive lady who follows four paces behind every celebrity. At some point, you’re going to want to stab your boyfriend and grab your African baby and run. You’re going to need friends.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 1:57 PM
We know the horrendous gender gap in pay with women making two cents on every man dollar. The guy working the counter at Wendy’s makes $8.50 an hour while his female counterpart earns eleven cents and gets spanked bare bottomed in the manager’s office for sampling off the Frosty’s machine. This abhorrent structure circles all the way to the top where Obama makes $400,000 a year and Michelle gets paid zero. Though if the Secret Service keeps failing, she will eventually get it all with a million kicker.
Charlize Theron found out in those hacked Sony emails that she was getting $7 million for the sequel to The Huntsman while Thor was going to get paid $10 million. That’s racist. So she went and did something about it. She asked for $10 million too. And those chauvinistic producer fuckers said, okay, you get $10 million. And then nobody fired their agent and we all had to not watch the sequel to The Huntsman because the first one still reminds us of the director gnawing on Kristen Stewart’s scowl shaped box. All is well in the kingdom.
Photo credit: Splash News