Charlize Theron Allows Herself an Orange

By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 9:51 AM

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Having to model and be Sean Penn’s woman is rather restrictive. That means you can’t eat and you can only speak when Sean hands you the Navajo talking stick. Half the time he just does it to deke you and crack you across the skull. It’s no wonder Charlize indulged herself with a full orange slice on the set of her Esquire photo shoot. And a decent conversation with that nameless less attractive lady who follows four paces behind every celebrity. At some point, you’re going to want to stab your boyfriend and grab your African baby and run. You’re going to need friends.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Charlize Theron Stands Up for More Cash

By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 1:57 PM

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We know the horrendous gender gap in pay with women making two cents on every man dollar. The guy working the counter at Wendy’s makes $8.50 an hour while his female counterpart earns eleven cents and gets spanked bare bottomed in the manager’s office for sampling off the Frosty’s machine. This abhorrent structure circles all the way to the top where Obama makes $400,000 a year and Michelle gets paid zero. Though if the Secret Service keeps failing, she will eventually get it all with a million kicker.

Charlize Theron found out in those hacked Sony emails that she was getting $7 million for the sequel to The Huntsman while Thor was going to get paid $10 million. That’s racist. So she went and did something about it. She asked for $10 million too. And those chauvinistic producer fuckers said, okay, you get $10 million. And then nobody fired their agent and we all had to not watch the sequel to The Huntsman because the first one still reminds us of the director gnawing on Kristen Stewart’s scowl shaped box. All is well in the kingdom.

Photo credit: Splash News

Charlize Theron Black Balled Tia Mowry

By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 8:13 AM

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SoulCycle is the sacred temple of Ra for the spiritually retarded celebrity community. It’s where the tomes of wisdom reside in the sweaty Lululemon crotches of the men and women who stationary cycle heavenward. The first rule of SoulCycle is you don’t fart in the Spin Room. The second rule is you don’t talk about SoulCylce. Especially shit about the famous people in your SoulCycle class. Tia Mowry went and told some media outlet that she met Charlize Theron at SoulCycle and Charlize dismissed her like an impolite bitch. When Charlize Theron got wind of the leak, she demanded that the SoulCycle excommunicate Tia for breaking the second rule of Soul Cycle, and possibly the first rule, although the whoever smelled it dealt it clause makes that a tricky accusation.

When Soul Cycle refused her request, Theron got even angrier, confronting the manager:

This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?”

Charlize’s outrage implies she takes rules very seriously. Or it could mean Sean Penn has her cycling on his HGH so the couple can rage together. Nothing binds a relationship like jointly beating down an undersized Filipino paparazzo with your boot heels. Both Mowry and Theron’s public relations reps are denying any of this ever took place, so you know it’s true. Which is awesome because girl fights at any level give me a boner.

Photo credit: PCN

Charlize Theron Understands What Rape Is (VIDEO)

By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Charlize Theron is about to become a widespread target for outrage and hate after she compared what us nosey shitheads on the Internet do to rape. A reporter for Sky News asked her what it’s like to know that if you Google her name, the results are stories about her and Sean Penn or what she wore to an event instead of the movies that she’s in or charity work that she’s performing. She responded that her “saving grace” is that she doesn’t ever Google her name, but when people do search their names or read the stories about them, they “feel raped.” It’s a stupid comparison, sure, but piling on is pointless, seeing as the almighty “How dare you” army of Twitter is already at her door with torches and their flags of loneliness. Fortunately, if it becomes too overwhelming, Sean can distract everyone by acting like a huge asshole, and then go on to win an Oscar.

Charlize Theron Is In Lingerie

By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 2:58 PM

Charlize Theron Poses In Lingerie For The July 2014 Issue Of Esquire Magazine
Charlize Theron seems to cover a different magazine every single month. I used to think it was part of her general publicity and promotional efforts. Now I realize it’s a signal to her friends and family that she’s Sean Penn’s girlfriend and she’s still breathing. She could send out nightly Tweets — Sean enraged, doors seem strong #blessyouredwoodframes — but Charlize has always shied away from social media. Why not an Esquire magazine cover to let mom know that that ominous call from the police won’t be coming tonight and you can rest easy.

Photo Credit: Esquire

Mom, Sean and I Are in Love

By Lex April 28, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

Charlize Theron And Sean Penn See Chelsea Handler Perform At The Forum In Inglewood
When I close my eyes and imagine hell, I picture Lucifer cackling while Sean Penn insists on taking me as his date to a Chelsea Handler live performance. But for Charlize Theron, the world’s best looking woman with low self esteem, she got all dolled up and even brought along her mom. What better way to introduce your family to the belligerent, violent, self-righteous drunk you’ve proudly selected from the over 500 million men with real jobs who would gladly date you. Mom probably felt about the same as she did a couple years ago when Charlize said she didn’t need a man and went off in a Jeep to steal a cute black baby for her own. Being a parent seems like a rough occupation. At least you can mask your tears in the uproarious laughter of a Chelsea Handler comedic routine. Or just imagine being Chelsea’s mom and realize you don’t have it so bad.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI