By Lex March 26, 2015 @ 11:36 AM
I don’t want to show pictures of Sean Penn because his resting bitchy face gives me asthma. Here’s Charlize Theron. She’s the last great trick of this overbearing Svengali. Sean Penn’s movie The Gunman just tanked out of the gates because he polished the Taken clone script with too many topless old man roid body scenes and personal political statements. There’s no single worse combo than vanity and self-righteousness. Maybe a super hot girl with The AIDS. The odds are still in your favor. Plus she won’t talk nonstop about the Cuban healthcare system. She knows it’s a myth. She’s got The AIDS and she’s already inquired. Pick her for the long car ride.
Photo Credit: James White For Capitol Grand
By Lex February 09, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
If Charlize Theron’s engagement can teach us anything, it’s that family isn’t bound by rigid construct. Sometimes it’s a roided out short guy, you, and the cute baby you bought at the Gaborone Duty Free because they were out of Beefeaters. Family is where the love is. Until dad’s HGH goes into a mud pie and he packs that cute toddler into a Boxes Etc 24×24, labels it Ebola Land and tosses it out of his moving Ranchero in front of the post office. Better hope you can run on this blackjacked knees, Charlize. You know Sean forgets air holes when he’s in a mood. African baby or abusive old husband. You’ve got to give one of them back.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 9:51 AM
Having to model and be Sean Penn’s woman is rather restrictive. That means you can’t eat and you can only speak when Sean hands you the Navajo talking stick. Half the time he just does it to deke you and crack you across the skull. It’s no wonder Charlize indulged herself with a full orange slice on the set of her Esquire photo shoot. And a decent conversation with that nameless less attractive lady who follows four paces behind every celebrity. At some point, you’re going to want to stab your boyfriend and grab your African baby and run. You’re going to need friends.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 1:57 PM
We know the horrendous gender gap in pay with women making two cents on every man dollar. The guy working the counter at Wendy’s makes $8.50 an hour while his female counterpart earns eleven cents and gets spanked bare bottomed in the manager’s office for sampling off the Frosty’s machine. This abhorrent structure circles all the way to the top where Obama makes $400,000 a year and Michelle gets paid zero. Though if the Secret Service keeps failing, she will eventually get it all with a million kicker.
Charlize Theron found out in those hacked Sony emails that she was getting $7 million for the sequel to The Huntsman while Thor was going to get paid $10 million. That’s racist. So she went and did something about it. She asked for $10 million too. And those chauvinistic producer fuckers said, okay, you get $10 million. And then nobody fired their agent and we all had to not watch the sequel to The Huntsman because the first one still reminds us of the director gnawing on Kristen Stewart’s scowl shaped box. All is well in the kingdom.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 8:13 AM
SoulCycle is the sacred temple of Ra for the spiritually retarded celebrity community. It’s where the tomes of wisdom reside in the sweaty Lululemon crotches of the men and women who stationary cycle heavenward. The first rule of SoulCycle is you don’t fart in the Spin Room. The second rule is you don’t talk about SoulCylce. Especially shit about the famous people in your SoulCycle class. Tia Mowry went and told some media outlet that she met Charlize Theron at SoulCycle and Charlize dismissed her like an impolite bitch. When Charlize Theron got wind of the leak, she demanded that the SoulCycle excommunicate Tia for breaking the second rule of Soul Cycle, and possibly the first rule, although the whoever smelled it dealt it clause makes that a tricky accusation.
When Soul Cycle refused her request, Theron got even angrier, confronting the manager:
This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?”
Charlize’s outrage implies she takes rules very seriously. Or it could mean Sean Penn has her cycling on his HGH so the couple can rage together. Nothing binds a relationship like jointly beating down an undersized Filipino paparazzo with your boot heels. Both Mowry and Theron’s public relations reps are denying any of this ever took place, so you know it’s true. Which is awesome because girl fights at any level give me a boner.
Photo credit: PCN
By Travis May 30, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Charlize Theron is about to become a widespread target for outrage and hate after she compared what us nosey shitheads on the Internet do to rape. A reporter for Sky News asked her what it’s like to know that if you Google her name, the results are stories about her and Sean Penn or what she wore to an event instead of the movies that she’s in or charity work that she’s performing. She responded that her “saving grace” is that she doesn’t ever Google her name, but when people do search their names or read the stories about them, they “feel raped.” It’s a stupid comparison, sure, but piling on is pointless, seeing as the almighty “How dare you” army of Twitter is already at her door with torches and their flags of loneliness. Fortunately, if it becomes too overwhelming, Sean can distract everyone by acting like a huge asshole, and then go on to win an Oscar.