Charlize Theron is about to become a widespread target for outrage and hate after she compared what us nosey shitheads on the Internet do to rape. A reporter for Sky News asked her what it’s like to know that if you Google her name, the results are stories about her and Sean Penn or what she wore to an event instead of the movies that she’s in or charity work that she’s performing. She responded that her “saving grace” is that she doesn’t ever Google her name, but when people do search their names or read the stories about them, they “feel raped.” It’s a stupid comparison, sure, but piling on is pointless, seeing as the almighty “How dare you” army of Twitter is already at her door with torches and their flags of loneliness. Fortunately, if it becomes too overwhelming, Sean can distract everyone by acting like a huge asshole, and then go on to win an Oscar.
Charlize Theron seems to cover a different magazine every single month. I used to think it was part of her general publicity and promotional efforts. Now I realize it’s a signal to her friends and family that she’s Sean Penn’s girlfriend and she’s still breathing. She could send out nightly Tweets — Sean enraged, doors seem strong #blessyouredwoodframes — but Charlize has always shied away from social media. Why not an Esquire magazine cover to let mom know that that ominous call from the police won’t be coming tonight and you can rest easy.
Photo Credit: Esquire
When I close my eyes and imagine hell, I picture Lucifer cackling while Sean Penn insists on taking me as his date to a Chelsea Handler live performance. But for Charlize Theron, the world’s best looking woman with low self esteem, she got all dolled up and even brought along her mom. What better way to introduce your family to the belligerent, violent, self-righteous drunk you’ve proudly selected from the over 500 million men with real jobs who would gladly date you. Mom probably felt about the same as she did a couple years ago when Charlize said she didn’t need a man and went off in a Jeep to steal a cute black baby for her own. Being a parent seems like a rough occupation. At least you can mask your tears in the uproarious laughter of a Chelsea Handler comedic routine. Or just imagine being Chelsea’s mom and realize you don’t have it so bad.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Satellite imagery diverted from the South Indian Ocean revealed work being done at Sean Penn’s angry Malibu home. Yes, even his home is angry. A safety fence was being installed around his pool and a trampoline was being constructed, signaling to everybody Sean would soon be booting Charlize’s African toddler outdoors so he could properly violate the boy’s mother. Nobody’s exactly clear why Charlize handles relationships like she’s the ugly fat stepsister with painful molars and few options in decent men, but she’s jumping right into this Sean Penn business. Sometimes, you just meet a man with a history of violence toward women, an unusually muscular physique for his age, and drinking problems and you know you just want to spend the rest of the Obama Administration with him. Charlize seems to be smitten. On the set of her latest photo shoot she was showing off the welts Sean gave her with the punishment stick when she questioned the true quality of Cuban state healthcare. Sean can get silly like that once you get past his quiet facade.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
Charlize Theron still looks pretty good. Sean Penn must be better at tempering his rage when he learns nobody is watching Ronan Farrow on MSNBC or Guantanamo inmates are not being permitted to watch Buzkashi matches in high definition. It’s possible he’s designed soft-toed cushioned boots that allow him to stomp on his girlfriends’ thoraxes with most of the bruising occurring internally. He is a clever little fellow. At some point Charlize will fall prey to her curiosity over his fountain of youth elixirs and injections and Cameron Diaz herself into a unisexual bearded goat like creature. But, for now, I’m still pretending she could be my unwed mother girlfriend.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
As disappointing as it is to see someone as young and hot as Charlize Theron dating an arrogant old fart like Sean Penn, they might actually be pretty perfect for each other. Beyond all of the charity crap and their love of foreign kids, there might not be two actors alive who act like bigger assholes when someone points a camera at them, and if they could somehow add Alec Baldwin into their lovemaking, they’d become the Voltron shitty, angry faces. They can act like they hate the attention all they want, but as long as they keep making it look like Charlize is rubbing one out for him in the car ride home from their fancy Beverly Hills restaurant, they’re going to have cameras lodged firmly in their faces until she eventually leaves him because he’s nailing a 22-year old.
Photo Credits: FayesVision/WENN.com