By Lex November 22, 2013 @ 4:36 PM
How awesome must it be to attend law school, pass all your exams, get yourself some legal stature, become a judge in your community, then find Dina Lohan in front of you slurring out promises to get better. Fuck, give me the American Talbian or Zimmerman or John Gotti. I want some good shit if I’m going to be wearing a robe and slamming down my gavel like it’s an extension of my manhood. The judge in Dina’s DUI case ordered her to get a psych evaluation, if for no other reason than to see if stage mom brain really is absent the cognitive area associated with healthy human like feelings. The judge also suggested Dina perform community service before she returns for her trial date in January where he’s likely to call her a scary dumb twat on the record and then send her home in tears.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis October 30, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Mostly underwhelming 19-year old model Ali Lohan has apparently decided that she wants to focus more on her music career now – “Ali wants her new sound to be Miley Cyrus meets Lana Del Rey” – and according to Radar, she’s wisely being managed by the most competent and qualified person she knows – her mother, Dina Lohan.
Of course, Dina has been pretty busy as of late with her court appearances for her DUI arrest, as well as trying not to lose her Long Island home to foreclosure, so maybe Ali should consider someone else to help her achieve pop stardom. A deranged homeless man, a special needs toddler, Bashar al-Assad, Michael Lohan – any of these people would be better than Dina, who knows as much about managing someone’s career as she does about raising a family or simply being a competent adult.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Jack October 23, 2013 @ 1:35 PM
Dina Lohan is now saying that the reason she drove drunk was because of the paparazzi. We told you a while back about Dina getting arrested for driving blitzed out of her bleached skull. Now her lawyer Mark Heller says that the reason that she got loaded and drove that fateful night was because of the continued stress caused by the paparazzi and media talking about how she’s a horrible fucking person. You know, for doing things like driving drunk. He told members of the press:
“It is the professional opinion as stated here by the evaluator, that the circumstances leading to Dina’s arrest were largely impacted by ongoing daily stresses caused by you folks, the paparazzi. Media attention and repeated character profiles.”
Who the fuck is The Evaluator? That sounds like somebody you hired to pretend to be a doctor but aren’t legally allowed to call a doctor in court. I’m sure that it’s fucking annoying to be constantly followed by the paparazzi. You can’t snort a rail or steal money from your daughters bank account without somebody finding out. Still, nobody puts the booze in your mouth except for you. Well, you and the skeezy guy at the bar who secretly bet his buddies he can plow Lindsay’s mom.
By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 11:09 AM
Lindsay Lohan and her mom made quite the scene pedaling around Manhattan like a regular old family. The Lohans figured out many advantages to bicycling. There’s no law against drinking and biking, when you fall asleep at the wheel, you don’t end up killing a bus full of school children, and when the narcs confiscate your rented bikes in a drug sting, who cares? Super villains adapt quickly.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
By Lex September 25, 2013 @ 11:28 AM
In a family turn of the screw nobody saw coming, Dina Lohan used her elderly mom as a sympathetic prop at her court hearing for sloppy drunk driving. During the hearing, the police reported that Dina was a ginormous asshole at the scene of her arrest, including name-dropping ’Oprah’. In a more enlightened society that would earn you an immediate beat down. Dina pled not-guilty to the DUI charges despite blowing a whopping .20 and admitting to drinking a couple or three big glasses of wine before driving. If found guilty, the court will place Dina Lohan into a time machine and send her back to be sterilized the day before she first had sex with Michael Lohan.
Photo Credit: Dina Lohan
By Jack September 20, 2013 @ 4:35 PM
Useless sack of stage mom shit Dina Lohan may soon lose her home to foreclosure. It seems that Dina forgot to pay the mortgage on her Long Island house. She’s fallen behind on house payments before, maybe because she just sits on her ass fanning her chocha and living off her train wreck daughter. Lindsay bailed her out last year with the bank but Lindsay isn’t exactly rolling in dough right now. Dina may lose the house in just a couple of months unless she can pay back what she owes. One more arrest and her need for lodging will probably be fairly moot, still, count on her sickly attached daughters to come to her rescue once more. They love them their mommy. In a Manson family kind of way.