Dina Lohan’s Guilty Plea is a Passover Miracle

By Lex April 16, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Dina Lohan Goes To Court For Her DUI In Long Island

Considering Dina Lohan is what God had lined up next for the Egyptians if slaying the first born sons didn’t pan out, it seems blasphemous she and her attorney were invoking Passover to explain her miracle of no jail time in her guilty plea to driving super fucking drunk. She also was belligerent to the cops and made up fake charges about being assaulted, but that shit goes away when you have a well paid attorney:

Considering this is the first day of Passover, we were very pleased to receive an offer which would resolve her criminal case in Nassau County with a commitment of no jail, no probation, and that afforded her the opportunity to resume her driving privileges shortly. She felt this was a great beginning for the Holy week and she was happy with that result.

I guess this kind of religious pandering would be pretty pro forma, if you’re client was, oh, I don’t know, Jewish. I understand Dina’s Irish Catholic association with the rituals of the seder, most notably the drinking of four glasses of wine before wrapping her shaky fingers around her steering wheel and driving to her daughter’s place to find her stash. Still, this seems a bit profane. Under the precepts of celebrity justice, Dina’s license is being revoked but she’s still going to be allowed to drive. Which makes about as much sense as punishing Dina by making her blow on a device before miraculously having a working car. She’s been doing that since she was a teen.

Lindsay Does Coke Without Her Mom

By Jack February 19, 2014 @ 1:41 PM

Lindsay Lohan had her lawyers threaten Fox News after they claimed that she did cocaine with her mom Dina Lohan. It all started when Fox News twat witch Michelle Fields discussed Lohan on a show about celebrity drug abuse and famous people who had OD’d. She made the claim that Lindsay and Dina snort lines of blow like other moms and daughter go to brunch and do a little shopping. The letter that Lindsay had her bulldog lawyers send demanded a retraction and an apology from the channel for making statements based on hearsay:

“During the show’s broadcast, she inappropriately and shockingly stated, unequivocally and as a matter of fact, that ‘Lindsay Lohan’s mom is doing cocaine with her’ – which statement is false…We demand immediate broadcast and publication of an apology and retraction, in as prominent a broadcast and publication fashion as the original… in order to try to mitigate the substantial damages.”

The letter also took issue with Lindsay being included on a show about Hollywood celebs that had died of drug abuse because Lindsay has only almost died from substance abuse. I can only imagine how shocking this was. And the claim that Lindsay Lohan would ever let her mom hork her blow. Not likely. Just the notion that you’d call a drunk driving psychologically damaged stage mom a cocaine user is insane. You might as well call a burglar a larcenist. Your reputation is your most valuable asset. Thank god for attorneys keeping Dina’s unblemished.

Judge Orders Dina Lohan’s Head Examined

By Lex November 22, 2013 @ 4:36 PM

Dina Lohan Appears In Court For Her DUI Arrest In Hempstead, New York
How awesome must it be to attend law school, pass all your exams, get yourself some legal stature, become a judge in your community, then find Dina Lohan in front of you slurring out promises to get better. Fuck, give me the American Talbian or Zimmerman or John Gotti. I want some good shit if I’m going to be wearing a robe and slamming down my gavel like it’s an extension of my manhood. The judge in Dina’s DUI case ordered her to get a psych evaluation, if for no other reason than to see if stage mom brain really is absent the cognitive area associated with healthy human like feelings. The judge also suggested Dina perform community service before she returns for her trial date in January where he’s likely to call her a scary dumb twat on the record and then send her home in tears.

Photo Credit: Getty

Dina Lohan Is Managing Ali Lohan’s Music Career

By Travis October 30, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Mostly underwhelming 19-year old model Ali Lohan has apparently decided that she wants to focus more on her music career now – “Ali wants her new sound to be Miley Cyrus meets Lana Del Rey” – and according to Radar, she’s wisely being managed by the most competent and qualified person she knows – her mother, Dina Lohan.

Of course, Dina has been pretty busy as of late with her court appearances for her DUI arrest, as well as trying not to lose her Long Island home to foreclosure, so maybe Ali should consider someone else to help her achieve pop stardom. A deranged homeless man, a special needs toddler, Bashar al-Assad, Michael Lohan – any of these people would be better than Dina, who knows as much about managing someone’s career as she does about raising a family or simply being a competent adult.

Photo Credit: Getty

Dina Lohan Claims Paps Made Her Drive Drunk

By Jack October 23, 2013 @ 1:35 PM

Dina Lohan is now saying that the reason she drove drunk was because of the paparazzi. We told you a while back about Dina getting arrested for driving blitzed out of her bleached skull. Now her lawyer Mark Heller says that the reason that she got loaded and drove that fateful night was because of the continued stress caused by the paparazzi and media talking about how she’s a horrible fucking person. You know, for doing things like driving drunk. He told members of the press:

“It is the professional opinion as stated here by the evaluator, that the circumstances leading to Dina’s arrest were largely impacted by ongoing daily stresses caused by you folks, the paparazzi. Media attention and repeated character profiles.”

Who the fuck is The Evaluator? That sounds like somebody you hired to pretend to be a doctor but aren’t legally allowed to call a doctor in court. I’m sure that it’s fucking annoying to be constantly followed by the paparazzi. You can’t snort a rail or steal money from your daughters bank account without somebody finding out. Still, nobody puts the booze in your mouth except for you. Well, you and the skeezy guy at the bar who secretly bet his buddies he can plow Lindsay’s mom.

Lindsay Lohan And Dina Lohan Switch to Bikes

By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 11:09 AM

Lindsay Lohan and her mom made quite the scene pedaling around Manhattan like a regular old family. The Lohans figured out many advantages to bicycling. There’s no law against drinking and biking, when you fall asleep at the wheel, you don’t end up killing a bus full of school children, and when the narcs confiscate your rented bikes in a drug sting, who cares? Super villains adapt quickly.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN