Gabrielle Union Plays the Race Card (also the Woman Card and the Kid Card)

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 6:21 AM


Gabrielle Union says she’s calling the FBI over her leaked nude photos. She insists they were private keepsakes meant for just her and Dwyane Wade and maybe Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife if he chose to show them to her to taunt her about the hot new celebrity pussy he was getting. I’m sure a top level agent at the Hoover Building is handling all the late night calls from celebrities. The Feds must have read Gabrielle and Dwyane’s impressive joint statement on their hate crime attack:

I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide.

Only by matching public relations forces could they come up with comparing the leaking of Gabrielle showing off her tits in the bathroom to the institutionalized rape and subjugation of millions. I remember when a kid in sixth grade gym pantsed me in front of some girls. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the Armenian genocide. I wish System of a Down had been there to play me out of the gym.

Gabrielle’s next letter should be to the leading celebrity media outlets wondering why her name wasn’t mentioned in any of their celebrity hacked photo stories today. Now that’s some racist child victimizing shit right there.

Dwyane Wade Had a Baby When Nobody Was Looking

By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 4:29 PM

Dwyane Wade is the master of the misdirection. When everybody was paying attention to his crazy ex-wife and Wade popping the question and ring to Gabrielle Union just last week, he went off and made a baby with some third chick named Aja who already has two kids by Damon Wayans, Jr. So she’s racking up a pretty nice pedigree toward the golden child support uterus award. Wade says he banged the baby into Aja when he was on a break with Gabrielle Union earlier this year. Not just a break, but an emotionally painful break for which impregnating a random celebrity fucker was the only cure:

Yeah, I had a time … in our pain and our hurt, (but) a blessing came out of it in my life, having a son that was born healthy.

This is something, obviously, private for my family that we will continue to deal with as a family but we have a blessing to the bloodline, to the Wade bloodline.

Alright, Henry Tudor, way to keep the line of succession strong in these times of foul plagues and high child mortality. Did you have your ministers watching on as you released your sacred semen into this particular stripper?

In his interview declaring that his latest baby isn’t by his new fiancee, Wade declared that he’s a father first and foremost. I think he means sire, but same difference. Wade says, as per usual, he intends to be a great father to his latest baby. He even visited the one-month old on Christmas before The Heat played the Lakers. They’ll be back in L.A. again next season so this kid should really get to know his daddy. Mom could always hang the monthly check stubs by his crib I suppose to keep him warm.

Gabrielle Union + Las Vegas = Perfect

By Travis May 21, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Back in February, there were some pretty nasty rumors that Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade was cheating on his model girlfriend Gabrielle Union with random NBA groupie skanks, and some websites even posted a letter that was allegedly written by a girl who claimed to have not only been in Wade’s home, but also that she had pictures of his bags in her hotel room. Gabrielle shot down the rumors on Twitter, saying that the same girl made the same claims a year before, adding, “Take ur meds.”

That said, it must be tough to be Gabrielle, knowing that there are girls out there who attend NBA games with the sole purpose of trying to sleep with players like Dwyane. So it’s nice to see that she took a little vacation to Las Vegas this week, where she enjoyed a bottle of vodka while a friend slapped her ass. Don’t let the haters get to you, Gabrielle.