Amber Heard Seems Too Happy

By Lex June 11, 2015 @ 9:05 AM

Amber Heard Sizzles in Elle Magazine July 2015

It’s possible all the insipidly cute anecdotes of married life Amber Heard’s people are spewing out to the gossip mags are one hundred percent truthful. She and Johnny Depp are still headed for let’s just be friends who fuck other people. Cute couples get divorced easily. The bar is just way too fucking high. He used to carve you bath soaps in the shape of your childhood pet. Now he shits in the sink. Couples who can’t stand each other never break up. Shitty relationships are lock down strong. You look around one day and ask yourself when did it all go to hell, then you remember it’s always been crappy. You toss back a couple and that seems kosher. Amber, call me if you’re not in lesbian switch mode after the divorce. Actually, call me either way. I’ll bring my Bob Crane camera and circus peanuts. Catholicism has taught me how to masturbate in total silence.

Photo Credit: Elle Magazine

Kate Upton Isn’t a Toy

By Lex August 09, 2013 @ 4:21 PM

Kate Upton In The September 2013 Issue Of Elle

Kate Upton hates that men see her as a sex object rather than a human being. Her big breakout cover of SI in 2012 left her “feeling terrible, instead of basking in her newfound celebrity.” She felt so bad, she could barely take her fat SI paycheck to the bank and then fight to get the cover the following year as well. And, it gets worse, because if you’re a model, not only do people treat you like a dumb object, but they snatch away your religion.

“I was at a photo shoot, and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like ‘Why are you wearing a cross? And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that.” — Kate tells Elle magazine

Wow. These model shoots sound like horror stories out of a Stalinist gulag. I stopped reading the interview before Kate could complain about having to date Justin Verlander and watch him give up two home runs in Game 1 of the World Series. I didn’t really stop reading so much as I started beating off to Kate’s photos. I still have a ways to go on my personal journey.

Photo Credit: Elle Magazine