By Lex August 21, 2014 @ 10:52 AM
Outside of consuming cotton for lunch and having to experience the Leonardo DiCaprio shaft, being a well-paid lingerie model seems like the dream. You have to work past that Kate Upton imagined horror of every man in the world wanting to bang you. Just focus on the the complementary robes, trailers, and the hair and make-up BBWs with their wonderfully bitchy stories. I’d trade whatever the fuck it is I do for the chance to be virtually exploited for a few shekels. Waiting by the phone. Checking the voice mails.
Photo Credit: Yamamay Lingerie
By Lex August 14, 2014 @ 2:40 PM
Lands’ End, the catalog for women going through menopause who still want to appear breezy, accidentally mailed complementary copies of GQ magazine to a bunch of their subscribers. Catalog companies often do team up with the dying magazine business to send out targeted complementary subscriptions to demos they think might rescue their print operations for another couple of years. But this particular GQ copy had Emily Ratajkowski unclad on the cover which immediately sent the moms swooning to the feinting couch, then to Facebook to the Land’s End page to act like moms you hate:
My 14-year-old son brought in the mail today & was quite disturbed & fascinated by a ‘gift’ Lands’ End sent us — a copy of GQ magazine with an absolutely OBSCENE cover!!!
I’m going to guess your boy was more fascinated than disturbed. If it’s the other way around, your son is gay. Talk to him and tell him you love him as a person, though obviously not as much as his brother who excels in sports.
“We received your ‘Lands’ End Bonus’ of GQ magazine this weekend, and we are absolutely horrified. How can buying something as family friendly as school uniforms lead to soft porn in the mailbox? I’m thankful my son did not bring in the mail.”
Another mom worried that her son might see tits. Just a hint, mom. He’s probably surfing xHamster on the iPad while you’re posting pictures of your hydrangeas and hydrating menopausal suppositories in your Facebook updates. Just be glad he’s not gay like the kid above.
I ordered Christian private school children’s uniforms from your company and you sold my home address to a magazine company that peddles in soft porn for men???.”
Women sure do love to use the p-word. I wonder if they realize that 70% of the world thinks porn is more awesome than oxygen. GQ is about as porny as most bus stop perfume ads. It’s mostly dudes in designer suits knotting their ties and pretending to talk at cocktail parties. Land’s End issued numerous heartfelt apologies to the overwrought ladies in their readership. They offered to send them each a faux cashmere wrap perfect for letting your husband know you would prefer to not have sex ever again.
Photo Credit: GQ
By Lex June 24, 2014 @ 6:26 PM
I know the Internet has changed the definition of famous. Those guys at TMZ and CW with that inane let’s make a random family of whores famous reality show taught me so. Just a short while ago, Emily Ratajkowski was an unknown TV show extra and aspiring model. She shows off her sensational tits in a couple photoshoots, appears a boatload of times on Egotastic and some Tumblr sites, and now she’s into major magazines, including the cover of GQ magazine. GQ isn’t just any magazine, it’s the periodical that taught me how important time pieces are to my accessories checklist. This is big shit. They even brought out the special tit covering sand for the occasion. The sand doesn’t actually cover the nipples, it covers the spot where they airbrush out the nipples to make it look more realistic. Because Americans can’t handle nipples. That’s one legitimate putdown we have to somehow shake if we’re ever to make Europe cower in the hallways as we pass like the old days.
Photo Credit: GQ
By Lex April 08, 2014 @ 2:43 PM
After that long stretch of work you put in to get a new girlfriend naked finally, there’s a feeling of disappointment when the next day she’s suddenly wrapped in a burqa and five cardigan sweaters shivering like a Serbian war crimes victim. I feel this same type of disappointment seeing Emily Ratajkowski in bikinis. We had her naked. She’s always naked. She was naked with Robin Thicke long enough to make Robin’s wife get pissed and divorce him. So now the swimsuits? No, darling, you’re great looking, but this world doesn’t spin forward if we all start walking backward.
Photo Credit: Shay Todd
By Lex March 01, 2014 @ 3:18 AM
Photo Credit: Minimale Animale