By Lex August 21, 2015 @ 9:06 AM
Women with big milky breasts can do no wrong. I want to punch people in the offal organs who mock her looks because I hear her voice in my head telling me to do so. If that voice ever commands me to kill hookers, I could see going into double digits before any soul searching. If this chick were arrested for child porn and fucking boys across state lines, we’d all talk about how lucky those second graders were. You cry duck face, I’m diving in and making babies. Let’s see whose lineage is dominating this earth two hundred years from now when the planet is half a degree warmer and gluten has created a race of autistic sea bound creatures.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt August 21, 2015 @ 6:34 AM
Emily Ratajkowski proclaimed she isn’t really into fitness as she posed with a bucket of margaritas. That’s called rubbing it in your faces ladies. Tits and attitude, the poor man’s Double Whammy:
“I don’t have a trainer, and I don’t really go to the gym. I go on long walks and hikes with my girlfriends. That’s about it. I’m just not a crazy fitness person. I’m definitely an outlier in the industry.”
Yeah you don’t give a shit or even pretend. That’s supposed to be part of the tradeoff for having that taut midsection. Countless hours at the gym vomiting and analyzing the calorie content of semen. Your regimen of going on walks with your friends should bode well going into your thirties, once they’re all married to hedge fund guys and you’re still coasting by off those tits with the flowing sweaters. Everyone’s got to grow up sometime. I’m not talking about going to the gym, just stop needling half the population. There might be a backlash. Also, you’re lying.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 09, 2015 @ 9:19 AM
Proving that men have a poor sense of where they sit on the reproductive food chain, there’s a meme of ‘Emily Ratajkowski is a butter face’ going around Al Gore’s Internet. If you’re taking the time to criticize this model’s face, then you’re probably just three shades of fame away from inviting Diane Sawyer to see your hope chest filled with post-op dresses. You don’t visit the Taj Mahal to note its kitchen and bathrooms need updating. We live in a Yelp reviewers society. I just had my dick sucked. I would’ve given five stars if she could’ve hummed the baseline to By-Tor and The Snow Dog. You don’t deserve, Emily Ratajkowski. C’mon, mouse face, let’s blow this joint.
Photo Credit: Revolve Clothing
By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 1:48 PM
Don’t believe the hype on LinkedIn. Your buddy the assistant IT director is just lugging monitors around the office. That chick you met at speed dating is having a work anniversary at a company that sounds suspiciously like her alone in her apartment. Yay, I didn’t fire myself. The world needs more personalized hemp greeting cards. Chrissy Teigen however is actually a model. I recommended her for the skills of nude modeling, modeling without clothes on, naked modeling, snatch patch flashing, and nipples worth watching. Also, social media expert. I do that for everybody without a real job.
Photo Credit: Mert Alas And Marcus Piggott For W Magazine
By Lex April 07, 2015 @ 12:31 PM
This chick is winning everything. She didn’t have to fork over any of the seven million from Robin Thicke ripping off Marvin Gaye, but still got instant famous in the video. She got to bare her tits in the overrated Ben Affleck movie last year and call it cinematic art. Her yeast infections probably produce perfect loaves of raisin challah. Life entirely opens up to you when you have fabulous tits. I wouldn’t speak that aloud at a girl scout inspirational conference, but I’d encourage the troop leader to pass it along via the game of telephone. Maybe it is just a random stroke of genetic fortune. Maybe God has a special plan for you. You have lots of time to ponder such questions when you’re sunbathing in Curacao and girls with much smaller tits are bringing you drinks.
Photo Credit: Jonathan Leder
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By Lex February 04, 2015 @ 9:06 AM
If your girlfriend has tits like Emily Ratajkowski, you’re going to want to buy her this lingerie for Valentine’s Day. Also, take her somewhere remote where GPS doesn’t work or some swarthy dude in a Benz is going to the one she models it for. Romance is an invention of the ugly people. Don’t dismay, just plan ahead. Make a sex tape before she realizes she can do better.
Photo Credit: Yamamay Saint Valentine’s Day Collection