It’d be racist to call the SAG Awards super black, except every single black actor in the universe noted it themselves in speeches and via Twitter. Idris Elba won an award for being super good looking and black and declared ‘welcome to diverse TV’. Diverse being the code word for black, because Asians and Latinos didn’t get shit. One man’s diversity is another man’s gonna get some for myself.
The SAG awards were bound to have many more black actor winners because it covers television where there is a beyond general population mirroring percentage of minority actors. Not even including the Basketball Wives and Kardashian sex partners. SAG saw the broad brush cracker attack on The Motion Picture Academy and didn’t want any of that. Affirmative action and attempts to compensate for perceived or real past discrimination necessarily discriminates against another party. But fuck you. Ben Affleck’s great-great-grandfather owned slaves. White guys used to get Oscars just for having neatly groomed mustaches. You had your day. Leonardo DiCaprio feels guilty. Though he won again. Save more elephants in Africa and fuck more women in St. Bart’s. Equality now.
Eva Longoria and a bunch of other righteous souls are taking part in a French artist’s photo exhibit featuring straight people pretending to be gay and in love because maybe with a French accent it has some discernible benefit:
The celebrities that I shot are heterosexual, but it was essential to me that you would believe these imaginary couples and families they portray were real. If you couldn’t identify with their love and feel it was real, then I would have failed. And to show that love is love, no matter who [is involved].
Yeah, still not getting it. What if explained by a mime?
There’s an ever moving target as to what it takes to be a non-gay person supporting gay acceptance. You used to be able to mention a gay cousin at Sarah Lawrence or how you worked as a busboy at a WeHo restaurant and it wasn’t horrible. Now you have to pretend to be gay yourself. Call yourself queer, refuse to accept the label of heterosexuality, sound guilty about being in the 95%, maybe take some photos of yourself in the shower soaping another dude.
That Rachel Dolezal chick pretended to be black and rose to the top of the ranks of the NAACP. Is that where this is headed? When did tolerance lead to me live Tweeting my dick in some guy’s ass and do I get to pick the guy? The Rock. Wait, I just blurted that out. I want somebody who’s been there before. Will Smith. Black and gay. Where’s my Oscar, Image Award, and my GLAAD wings. I’m coming, Jesus. Sooner than you think.
Photo Credit: Olivier Ciappa
Eva Longoria suffers for her art. Like the fact people mistakenly call her Eva Mendes merely because both are 40 year old attractive Latin actresses who are often in the same place at the same time. Also, obviously, racism. Ellen not long ago on her show thought Pink’s husband Carey Hart was Travis Barker, Amy Adams says people confuse her with Isla Fisher all the time, Cate Blanchett gets called Kate Winslet at least once a week, and Elizabeth Banks rants on about people thinking she’s Chelsea Handler. Also racism. Wait. They’re white. Fishburne and Jackson. Okay, racist.
To make fun of how crazy it is that people mix up Latina actresses who look similar and have similar names, Longoria and America Ferreira did a bit about it during the Golden Globes. Because it was reasonably funny and well-received, the two are chiming up around town about how they wrote the jokes because the copy the Globes gave them was just kind of flat. When they say they wrote the bit, they mean Ferreira’s writing staff on her show wrote them. Actors often make that accidental mistake between being the author and being the monkey mouthpiece who chews out the lines and smiles. That sounds kind of racist. There’s no escape from circular logic.
Eva Longoria spends a good deal of time reminding people that Latinos matter. Just in case you’d forgotten. She means Latinos in television mostly, not the ones who pick the grapes. We all agree they don’t matter and Eva wants her produce as cheap as the next vegetarian. We know you’re real, Eva. If you were fake you’d make better TV shows. Not for nothing but I’d consider securing a third husband this winter. Ruffles are your subconscious telling you it’s time to settle.
Eva Longoria chastised journalists of the lifestyle section of an Australian newspaper for claiming she pretends to need glasses simply to push some designer eyewear to not necessarily Hispanic women at the 99-Cent store.
If you had done your journalistic duty (it’s actually not that hard, a more thorough google job, or one phone call to my camp and they could have provided you any documentation) you would see that I have been wearing READING glasses since May 3, 2013.
It does suck when journalists refuse to call your camp. Call my fucking camp! Minnetonka. I went on scholarship and all the rich kids took turns twisting my nipples and mocking my Keds. Fuck camp. Google my damn glasses. I first donned them on May 3, 2013. Everybody remembers the day they first wore glasses. The actual fucking day. Eva Longoria seems like the kind of twat who would wear empty frames just to appear hip. I think she also tossed the water balloon that made the dude from the Gin Blossoms drink himself to death. Say, what day in 2009 did you start wearing that bracelet? Never trust a woman whose vagina eats denim.
Eva Longoria has an enviable life. Especially if you like rich Latin dick. I mean rich as in wealthy, not tasty. That seems rather subjective. In the upcoming edition of InStyle magazine, Eva declares she wants to be the next George Clooney. If she meant fucking tons of chicks with questionable faces but perfect model bodies, that might be interesting. Also worth watching on Pay-Per-View. She means she wants to act, produce, and direct. Which absolutely nobody thinks of when somebody says they want to be like George Clooney. If she didn’t look great in a bikini and have forty million in the bank, I’d take my business elsewhere. Gender equality has all kinds of unforeseen complications.