Eva Longoria in A Bikini

By Lex November 24, 2015 @ 9:49 AM

va Longoria Plays Badminton In Miami
Eva Longoria spends a good deal of time reminding people that Latinos matter. Just in case you’d forgotten. She means Latinos in television mostly, not the ones who pick the grapes. We all agree they don’t matter and Eva wants her produce as cheap as the next vegetarian. We know you’re real, Eva. If you were fake you’d make better TV shows. Not for nothing but I’d consider securing a third husband this winter. Ruffles are your subconscious telling you it’s time to settle.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Eva Longoria Also Had an Epic Response, So Epic, Her Vagina Inhaled Her Pants

By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 8:18 AM

Eva Longoria In Really Tight Pants
Eva Longoria chastised journalists of the lifestyle section of an Australian newspaper for claiming she pretends to need glasses simply to push some designer eyewear to not necessarily Hispanic women at the 99-Cent store.

If you had done your journalistic duty (it’s actually not that hard, a more thorough google job, or one phone call to my camp and they could have provided you any documentation) you would see that I have been wearing READING glasses since May 3, 2013.

It does suck when journalists refuse to call your camp. Call my fucking camp! Minnetonka. I went on scholarship and all the rich kids took turns twisting my nipples and mocking my Keds. Fuck camp. Google my damn glasses. I first donned them on May 3, 2013. Everybody remembers the day they first wore glasses. The actual fucking day. Eva Longoria seems like the kind of twat who would wear empty frames just to appear hip. I think she also tossed the water balloon that made the dude from the Gin Blossoms drink himself to death. Say, what day in 2009 did you start wearing that bracelet? Never trust a woman whose vagina eats denim.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Eva Longoria in A Bikini

By Lex July 08, 2015 @ 8:01 AM

Eva Longoria Continues Spain Vacation In Tiny Bikini
Eva Longoria has an enviable life. Especially if you like rich Latin dick. I mean rich as in wealthy, not tasty. That seems rather subjective. In the upcoming edition of InStyle magazine, Eva declares she wants to be the next George Clooney. If she meant fucking tons of chicks with questionable faces but perfect model bodies, that might be interesting. Also worth watching on Pay-Per-View. She means she wants to act, produce, and direct. Which absolutely nobody thinks of when somebody says they want to be like George Clooney. If she didn’t look great in a bikini and have forty million in the bank, I’d take my business elsewhere. Gender equality has all kinds of unforeseen complications.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Eva Longoria Compares Trump to Hitler

By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 9:53 AM

Eva Longoria Dives In An Orange Bikini In Miami
In an ingeniously clever bit of rhetoric, Eva Longoria deftly invoked the specter of Adolf Hitler when discussing Donald Trumps remarks about Mexico pushing their rapists and drug dealers across the border into the U.S. In an instant, the entire domain of people with shallow debate skills lamented their comparatively less effective tropes of the past seventy years.

What I think he doesn’t understand and what people don’t understand is words create emotional poison. …Hitler moved a nation with words, just words.

It’s hard to argue. Both Hitler and Trump employed words. Hitler also seized control of the Parliament and the immensely built up military of post-Weimar Germany and slaughtered his neighbors. Trump wears a hair piece and fucks middle aged models. Eva Longoria gave her remarks to the National Association of Latino Independent Producers who being rapists and drug dealers themselves were very sympathetic to her remarks. Fuck, there goes my Univision contract. More importantly, Longoria was able to name drop Hitler and be back to the hotel pool performing near perfect swan dives within the hour. It’s hard to dislike an attractive woman. Work your way up to it slowly.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Eva Longoria in A White String Bikini

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 8:47 AM

Eva Longoria Wears A White String Bikini While Lounging On The Beach In Miami
The sooner you teach your kids that smiling for the public then being a monster in private is the winning formula, the sooner you can assure they aren’t living in their football banner covered rooms at twenty-eight. If animals could speak, you’d hear them giving this same speech to their own offspring before they kicked them out at sixteen weeks and ate them if they stuck around. Eva Longoria has been labeled high maintenance in Hollywood. Which means what? You won’t work with her making big cash? You wouldn’t throw your best friend in the path of an oncoming car just so you could fake grieve and try to bang her after the funeral? Life was more simple when we just called girls we couldn’t get lesbians, before we learned that was mostly true.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Eva Longoria’s New Movie Must Really Suck (VIDEO)

By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

Eva Longoria appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live for a haphazard cooking segment designed to promote her new illegal immigration themed movie that absolutely nobody will ever see. Publicists who think in precisely two dimensions got the bright idea for Eva to cook a Mexican egg dish to tie in with the movie. I guess she balked at the mustache, poncho and sombrero.  Though somebody off-camera held up a picture of Speedy Gonzalez so Eva would remember to hit the Mexican accent hard. It was pretty clear that Eva Longoria knew how to cook at one point in her life. But that was probably five in-house chefs  ago. Eva stumbled around and almost ignited a gallon of grease and ended up mashing a bunch of shit together on a plate like a toddler constructing a Lunchable.

Cooking segments on talk shows are just plain bad television. There are ten thousand cooking shows on seventeen different channels where real chefs are actually cooking tasty looking shit you could never make. The entire conceit of a conventional talk show seems so horribly outdated. Now that we get so much real dirt on celebrities, seeing them sit on a couch spewing rehearsed cute stories just seems nonsensical. They need to invent the talk show where Eva Longoria strips down to her panties while an assertive host demands she confess to all the dudes she’s been boning since she left Tony Parker. That’s so much better than crappy eggs and fake laughs.