By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 8:47 AM
The sooner you teach your kids that smiling for the public then being a monster in private is the winning formula, the sooner you can assure they aren’t living in their football banner covered rooms at twenty-eight. If animals could speak, you’d hear them giving this same speech to their own offspring before they kicked them out at sixteen weeks and ate them if they stuck around. Eva Longoria has been labeled high maintenance in Hollywood. Which means what? You won’t work with her making big cash? You wouldn’t throw your best friend in the path of an oncoming car just so you could fake grieve and try to bang her after the funeral? Life was more simple when we just called girls we couldn’t get lesbians, before we learned that was mostly true.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
Eva Longoria appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live for a haphazard cooking segment designed to promote her new illegal immigration themed movie that absolutely nobody will ever see. Publicists who think in precisely two dimensions got the bright idea for Eva to cook a Mexican egg dish to tie in with the movie. I guess she balked at the mustache, poncho and sombrero. Though somebody off-camera held up a picture of Speedy Gonzalez so Eva would remember to hit the Mexican accent hard. It was pretty clear that Eva Longoria knew how to cook at one point in her life. But that was probably five in-house chefs ago. Eva stumbled around and almost ignited a gallon of grease and ended up mashing a bunch of shit together on a plate like a toddler constructing a Lunchable.
Cooking segments on talk shows are just plain bad television. There are ten thousand cooking shows on seventeen different channels where real chefs are actually cooking tasty looking shit you could never make. The entire conceit of a conventional talk show seems so horribly outdated. Now that we get so much real dirt on celebrities, seeing them sit on a couch spewing rehearsed cute stories just seems nonsensical. They need to invent the talk show where Eva Longoria strips down to her panties while an assertive host demands she confess to all the dudes she’s been boning since she left Tony Parker. That’s so much better than crappy eggs and fake laughs.
By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 12:26 PM
Eva Longoria is pretty genius. You wouldn’t know from hearing her mind numbing political platitudes. But just like a sinister dude, she set up a whole reality dating show with NBC last year so she could cast a bunch of super hot male model dudes in her dating range, one of whom she started boning furiously around the globe. They shagged in France and Spain and Greece and in a bunch of other places rich people go to have sex, like the ass. Since she thinks like a dude, after three months of non-stop humping, Eva dumped her new boyfriend and jumped on her bike to go find the next piece of meat. People just don’t understand the work involved in being a man.
Photo Credit: PCN
By brendon September 20, 2012 @ 5:21 PM
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a book that had pictures of Usher asleep in a fancy hotel? And what if that book only cost $50? You’d jump on a deal like that, right?
Of course you would, we all would. And now we can, thanks to ‘Asleep at the Chateau‘ from photographer Jork Weismann, who is either German or kidding. Not only does it have pictures of famous people taking naps or maybe dead, it also has random semi-naked pictures of Eva Longoria (nsfw) and other girls who may or may not be famous, like “Natalia” (nsfw) and “Krystal” (nsfw). It’s the perfect gift for photography lovers and necrophiliacs.
Eva Longoria is in Monte Carlo today to promote ‘Desperate Housewives’ during the 52nd Monte Carlo TV Festival, though that was probably obvious as soon as you saw her titty-fucking a giant gold statue with her head. There’s no explanation needed, that says “watch Desperate Houswives” all by itself.
(image source = getty)
By brendon March 08, 2012 @ 6:52 PM
Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz (Penelopes brother) have broken up after dating for a little over a year. He’s already run home to Madrid, though things are said to be cordial between them and no reason was given for the break-up. Probably because he’s a boring dolt who needs his famous sister to meet girls. I on the other hand am a adventurous hunk who lives for danger, as you can tell by my shark tooth necklace and ivory handled pistols.
(source = us weekly and splash)