FEMEN Moves Their HQ

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:35 PM

Femen Establishes Headquarters In Clichy, France
Nothing says we are legitimately angry dikes quite like picking Paris as your new international headquarters. That’s exactly what the brave topless warriors of FEMEN have done, moving their yeast-filled Honeycomb Hideout from Maria’s stepmother’s basement in Kiev to one of the least appealing new sorority houses west of the Maginot Line. The girls couldn’t technically afford Paris, it’s more Paris adjacent, but it smells like Paris just the same. The French coppers found them rather immediately and donning their Battlestar Galactica gear, surrounded the place lest the girls start throwing tampons at the hommes sitting cross-legged nearby in the cafes. The place looks like one of the brothels beyond the majestic rues where you can still trade in your French Francs for girls with crooked spines and canker sores on their lips. That’s probably how they’ll lure in the men they feast on in the evenings while covering their small but flabby breasts with virulent slogans. Big score for France who’ve needed a good win since about 1720.

Photo Credit: Getty

Oh, Shit, It’s FEMEN Time

By Lex March 27, 2014 @ 4:14 PM

FEMEN Activists Protest Topless In Madrid
Here’s proof of something I’ve always believed: it’s really hard to look like a skeleton when you’re fat. Awesome face paint aside, the angry Eastern Euro topless feminists of FEMEN were back in Spain with Muerte body paint protesting their ability of women who look like fat skeletons to get abortions as they see fit. My body, my choice, and all that stuff I chanted to get laid back in college. That’s ironic now that I think of it. But there’s no irony in the Banshee like shrieks of these luscious lasses from Kiev getting all limp in the body both as a civil disobedience tactic and as a natural result of too many strudel bites late night. I’m inclined to say I’d cave in to anything these girls asked, up to but not including castration, if they agreed to shut the fuck up and go home. I believe that means they’ve won.

Photo Credit: Getty

Girls Of FEMEN Are the Ukrainian Calvalry

By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 2:52 PM

Girls Of FEMEN Topless To Protest Russian Intervention In Ukraine In Times Square
Poor Mr. Putin. You might’ve thought the loyalist Ukrainian forces were no match for your Russian Bear army, but here comes the dainty ladies of FEMEN to thwart your aggression with the unparalleled anger of painted feminists with body issues. Your missiles and bullets are no match for the shield of pissed off estrogen that now encircles Kiev like an uncomfortable woolen blanket of vaginal rage. Queens to King’s Knight Four. Your move, Vlad.

(Yeah, they’re actually in Times Square. I dare you to be the one to tell them how pointless that is.)

Photo Credit: Getty

The Happy Girls of FEMEN Have Returned

By Lex February 03, 2014 @ 5:51 PM

FEMEN Protests Abortion Rights Topless In Madrid
Those happy go lucky partymeisters from the Ukraine are back and stepping up their game after a winter regroup at a Kiev area coffee house and poetry slam center. For a while there the lovely ladies of FEMEN veered off track, taking on all kinds of socio-economic and global trade tirades. Way too arcane. If you’re a bunch of angry topless chicks with scribble all over your bodies, you’ve got to go after the standards. Like abortion rights. That’s got built-in draw. Find a Spanish Cardinal and yell the fuck out of his ear in various broken dialects about the church and politicians and dudes staying out of your vagina business. These irate ladies scare the living shit out of me, but if they’re fighting so that a Spanish chick I knock up on holiday can go get that fucker hoovered out for a couple Euro, keep on screaming, my little darlings. Make daddy suffer and we all win.

Photo Credit: Getty

FEMEN Protestors Can Only Hope to Be Contained

By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 4:45 PM

FEMEN Protestors Interrupt A Pro Life Rally In Madrid
I can’t believe I nearly missed a Ukranian feminist topless civil action. Those crazy Eastern bloc terriers are out to make this world a better place by slathering their bare tits in paint and screaming their heads off about abortion or fur or trees or why Lena Dunham can’t get a network show when she’s so smart and amazing. Here the lively gals are disrupting a Pro Life rally in Madrid. The ladies of FEMEN are not down with anybody fettering their ability to suck fetuses out of their angry pie holes through a vending machine in the local bodega. It looks like these trendy gals finally got somebody with decent printing skills to cover their bodies in slogans. It’s often the little things like penmanship that make or break a topless feminist protest movement.

Photo Credit: Getty

FEMEN Takes Their Angry Titties to Spain

By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 1:36 PM

Feminist Group 'Femen' Go Topless To Protest During A Session Of Congress In Madrid
Today was a wheelhouse issue for the angry titty protestors of FEMEN — abortion rights. The never dull ladies hit the parliament in Madrid where they are discussing a curb on abortions in Spain. The shrieking Valkyres wrote down something that is supposed to mean Abortion Is Sacred in a language that didn’t seem to be English or Spanish. Their long locks covered much of their messages anyhow. Hey, even a pitbull Ukranian feminist wants to look pretty for the weekends. I’m starting to recognize many of these same girls from their tiny angry boobs. I’m guessing they’re not getting significant lockdown time for their protests. Not suggesting they be taken out back and shot, but maybe a good spanking from a strong father figure would serve them well. Yes, I’m now baiting Eastern bloc feminists.

Photo Credit: PCN