FEMEN Boobs Activate in London

By Lex July 08, 2014 @ 12:28 PM

FEMEN Girls Protest Topless At Parliament Square In London

The FEMEN sorority house just opened up a U.K. chapter and the London pledges were tasked to spin the wheel of virulent causes to select their first assignment. The wheel landed on FGM. That’s Female Genital Mutilation. Despite it being illegal, thousands of British girls of African lineage are still having their genitals carved up to please the tree gods and ensure sexual purity. Nobody in British government seems to want to do shit about it because FGM lies smack dab at the intersection of vaginas and cultural sensitivity. Both topics kind of make the Brits queasy and want to look the other way. You know who doesn’t look the other way? The super pissed off superheroes of FEMEN who threw their angry inked up tits into the streets ahead of the 3rd stage of the Tour de France screaming ‘Stop FGM!’. I guess I  didn’t know the Tour de France started in England. I stopped watching when they nabbed one-nut Lance for doping. I also didn’t know Western nations don’t crack down enough on this ancient tribal shit. It’s pretty damn foul. Maybe it’s time to recognize we have something to learn from small chested topless screeching harpies in the public square.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

FEMEN Members Suck Dildos Because They Care

By Lex June 09, 2014 @ 2:26 PM

FEMEN Members Protest With Dildos In Brussels
Before their French twist, FEMEN was pretty much your standard awkward titty feminists with angry slogans shrieking outside an economic summit or pro-life institution or McDonald’s in Bucharest. Now, they’ve got wigs and props and somebody who learned how to write passable naughty English phrases. I don’t care whose side you’re on in this debate over whatever the hell it is that has your boy shorts  in a bunch, if you see a couple dozen topless girls sucking dildos with slogans on the ground in Brussels, you’re going to look. You’ll read some anti-G7, anti-Putin shit on a plastic cock and maybe, just maybe, you’ll challenge some of your longstanding beliefs on geopolitics. It’s unfortunate that women have to get naked in public just to be heard, though it’s unclear as to unfortunate for whom.

Photo Credit: Getty

FEMEN Protesters Frenched Up

By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 3:11 PM

Topless Members Of FEMEN Protest A Front National Polling Station In Henin-Beaumont
I’m a big supporter of the causes and concerns that the angry Ukrainian Feminist topless protestors shout about while covered in fake blood and slogan scribble. I don’t speak Esperanto, so I admittedly don’t actually know what they’re pissed about, but in a battle of angry topless women versus I don’t know who the fuck you’re angry at, I know which side to take. Since setting up their new girls only central command in Paris, the girls have stepped up their game in terms of costume and staged drama. I hope they don’t get too lost in the medium and keep shrieking their message. The world needs more abortions and less dams now more than ever.

Photo Credit: Getty

FEMEN Moves Their HQ

By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 3:35 PM

Femen Establishes Headquarters In Clichy, France
Nothing says we are legitimately angry dikes quite like picking Paris as your new international headquarters. That’s exactly what the brave topless warriors of FEMEN have done, moving their yeast-filled Honeycomb Hideout from Maria’s stepmother’s basement in Kiev to one of the least appealing new sorority houses west of the Maginot Line. The girls couldn’t technically afford Paris, it’s more Paris adjacent, but it smells like Paris just the same. The French coppers found them rather immediately and donning their Battlestar Galactica gear, surrounded the place lest the girls start throwing tampons at the hommes sitting cross-legged nearby in the cafes. The place looks like one of the brothels beyond the majestic rues where you can still trade in your French Francs for girls with crooked spines and canker sores on their lips. That’s probably how they’ll lure in the men they feast on in the evenings while covering their small but flabby breasts with virulent slogans. Big score for France who’ve needed a good win since about 1720.

Photo Credit: Getty

Oh, Shit, It’s FEMEN Time

By Lex March 27, 2014 @ 4:14 PM

FEMEN Activists Protest Topless In Madrid
Here’s proof of something I’ve always believed: it’s really hard to look like a skeleton when you’re fat. Awesome face paint aside, the angry Eastern Euro topless feminists of FEMEN were back in Spain with Muerte body paint protesting their ability of women who look like fat skeletons to get abortions as they see fit. My body, my choice, and all that stuff I chanted to get laid back in college. That’s ironic now that I think of it. But there’s no irony in the Banshee like shrieks of these luscious lasses from Kiev getting all limp in the body both as a civil disobedience tactic and as a natural result of too many strudel bites late night. I’m inclined to say I’d cave in to anything these girls asked, up to but not including castration, if they agreed to shut the fuck up and go home. I believe that means they’ve won.

Photo Credit: Getty

Girls Of FEMEN Are the Ukrainian Calvalry

By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 2:52 PM

Girls Of FEMEN Topless To Protest Russian Intervention In Ukraine In Times Square
Poor Mr. Putin. You might’ve thought the loyalist Ukrainian forces were no match for your Russian Bear army, but here comes the dainty ladies of FEMEN to thwart your aggression with the unparalleled anger of painted feminists with body issues. Your missiles and bullets are no match for the shield of pissed off estrogen that now encircles Kiev like an uncomfortable woolen blanket of vaginal rage. Queens to King’s Knight Four. Your move, Vlad.

(Yeah, they’re actually in Times Square. I dare you to be the one to tell them how pointless that is.)

Photo Credit: Getty