By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Gisele and Tom Brady own a solid chunk of Coastal Central America now. They orange oiled out all the annoying monkeys so their childcare staff would be safe from rabies. They might also be re-animating fossilized dinosaur bones. You can do stupid shit when you’re filthy rich and you have six months off each year. Gisele announced she’s retiring from runway work after next month’s Fashion Week in Brazil. Tom will be out of the NFL someday. Then things will get tight. Gisele can’t eat any less so look for Tom to pick up some extra dough working swing shift at the mill. Maybe the live-in tailor has to get the talk. Everybody’s got problems.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Matt March 19, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Gisele Bundchen posted a photo of herself looking svelte with the words “Grateful” written in the sand by a professional. This is thought to be in reference to her impending retirement from modeling. Bundchen will celebrate with an extra rice cake and a toast of Fen Phen laced sparking cider. Modeling requires walking and not eating, things which most people do part of every day. Such a specific skill set all but entails Bunchen will continue her chosen vocation even if there is not a crowd full of the worst people in the world dismissively sitting to her left and right. She could let herself go and still be the hottest chick in most towns and possibly be allowed into clubs in Sau Paulo. Tom Brady’s a lucky man. If he likes a good grip I’m confused what he’s holding onto.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 7:22 AM
Gisele earned $47 million last year according to Forbes and is annoyed they wrote an article about it. She attempted to vaguely minimize the details of the story:
“It’s sad, because the people who write these things don’t have my bank account details.”
What’s in your bank account is kind of irrelevant. Perhaps you’re down a bit on the balance sheet after paying $50 million in cash for the new home. Bundchen is apparently fed up with the hassles that come with being paid in truckloads of cash. She blames Forbes for getting audited by the IRS:
“I do OK, I earn plenty, but not as much as they say. I’ve already been audited by the IRS because of this list.”
Maybe the IRS just wondered how the fuck you could have earned so much money being the 29th best looking Brazilian model in the world. Tom Brady is one of the best if not the best quarterback in the NFL. We get where his money comes from. Bundchen probably longs for the days when modeling was super street and you were paid with coke and the chance to marry war criminals in Brunei. If Bundchen is annoyed at being profiled she may want to explain in more detail how she is making this much money, because from an outsider’s perspective it seems obvious she is channeling cartel money and FIFA bribes back and forth from Brazil.
Photo Credit: Instagram, Elle
By Lex May 28, 2014 @ 5:37 PM
Gisele Bundchen made Forbes list of the world’s most powerful women. I’m not sure what the voting criteria is, but it’s safe to say this is a list that means you’re the premium blend. You’re riding in the same VIP car with Hilary Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres, and Oprah. If Michelle Obama and her secret service weren’t also riding along, you’d probably be lez-raped, so maybe a thank you to the First Lady is in order.
(Naturally, I’m kidding, lesbians don’t rape each other. They’re nonviolent high contributing members of our society who don’t overpopulate our planet or balk when you suggest R-rated comedies. I love lesbians. Please, don’t egg my house again with your defrosted ovum.)
Photo Credit: Lui Magazine