By Lex September 29, 2015 @ 9:39 AM
The line starts behind me for Gisele Bundchen’s 20th anniversary photo memoirs. The Brazilian model retired from runway modeling earlier this year though continues to pose for pay for magazines, advertisements, and that earnest sounding guy on Craigslist who can only meet you at the industrial park late in the evening.
Simply titled, Gisele, the spank book will set you back seven hundred dollars, which is approximately seven hundred dollars more than anybody but Tom Brady and Gisele’s randy uncle Paulo are willing to pay to see her old sexy photos. Bundchen laced the pricey coffee table footrest with a bunch of her topless photos because Brazilian girls inherently understand how to bargain. Tom’s fancy pool covers don’t pay for themselves. What’s a months rent to relive the happy memories of Gisele getting paid to model? Which part were you again?
Photo credit: Taschen Books/Gisele
By Matt August 10, 2015 @ 7:30 AM
Gisele Bundchen wore a burqa to disguise herself while getting new tits in Paris, which was a dead giveaway because her exposed ankles said Brazilian whore all the way. She also got her eyes done and most likely mused on having Nazi parents with the surgeon played by Cristoph Waltz. Warner Herzog is doing the documentary and most likely jerking off to the needle disposal box. Gisele seems to fancy herself as a sprouts and avocado type and not a medically modified fuck toy. That’s out the window. You and your husband like to bend the rules and that’s fine. He’s now deducting two blow jobs from the official record. We all know the truth. I’m sure you thought you were super clever when coming up with the burqa idea. It actually pretty smart until you were found out. Now you look like an asshole with nice tits. I’m in.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 03, 2015 @ 8:30 AM
Following her husband smashing his cellphone with a sledgehammer and then smirking about it while playing the victim, Gisele pretended to do yoga with her “Soul sister” on Instagram. The problem with fulling lesbianing out is you have to be buzzed and only half the party really really wants to. As you can see in the super hot black chick’s eyes and exposed vagina. Nice diversity, put it in your portfolio next to your college brochure shoot. This should definitely make up for your Nazi parents fleeing international prosecution. Why does our travel agent have a cute armband? Fuck that’s a nice beach. What is American Football? Can I find a dude taller than me who gives a shit about lingerie? Heil Brady. I’ll take the top off that Oreo anytime.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Gisele and Tom Brady own a solid chunk of Coastal Central America now. They orange oiled out all the annoying monkeys so their childcare staff would be safe from rabies. They might also be re-animating fossilized dinosaur bones. You can do stupid shit when you’re filthy rich and you have six months off each year. Gisele announced she’s retiring from runway work after next month’s Fashion Week in Brazil. Tom will be out of the NFL someday. Then things will get tight. Gisele can’t eat any less so look for Tom to pick up some extra dough working swing shift at the mill. Maybe the live-in tailor has to get the talk. Everybody’s got problems.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Matt March 19, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Gisele Bundchen posted a photo of herself looking svelte with the words “Grateful” written in the sand by a professional. This is thought to be in reference to her impending retirement from modeling. Bundchen will celebrate with an extra rice cake and a toast of Fen Phen laced sparking cider. Modeling requires walking and not eating, things which most people do part of every day. Such a specific skill set all but entails Bunchen will continue her chosen vocation even if there is not a crowd full of the worst people in the world dismissively sitting to her left and right. She could let herself go and still be the hottest chick in most towns and possibly be allowed into clubs in Sau Paulo. Tom Brady’s a lucky man. If he likes a good grip I’m confused what he’s holding onto.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 7:22 AM
Gisele earned $47 million last year according to Forbes and is annoyed they wrote an article about it. She attempted to vaguely minimize the details of the story:
“It’s sad, because the people who write these things don’t have my bank account details.”
What’s in your bank account is kind of irrelevant. Perhaps you’re down a bit on the balance sheet after paying $50 million in cash for the new home. Bundchen is apparently fed up with the hassles that come with being paid in truckloads of cash. She blames Forbes for getting audited by the IRS:
“I do OK, I earn plenty, but not as much as they say. I’ve already been audited by the IRS because of this list.”
Maybe the IRS just wondered how the fuck you could have earned so much money being the 29th best looking Brazilian model in the world. Tom Brady is one of the best if not the best quarterback in the NFL. We get where his money comes from. Bundchen probably longs for the days when modeling was super street and you were paid with coke and the chance to marry war criminals in Brunei. If Bundchen is annoyed at being profiled she may want to explain in more detail how she is making this much money, because from an outsider’s perspective it seems obvious she is channeling cartel money and FIFA bribes back and forth from Brazil.
Photo Credit: Instagram, Elle