By Lex January 18, 2016 @ 10:57 AM
Hayden Panettiere suffered from the asymptomatic version of postpartum depression that caused her to spend much of this past November in rehab with other celebrities suffering from undiagnosed Lyme disease and sex addiction to really attractive female models. Panettiere got her mind right and her enormous fake tits chiropractically adjusted. She’s glowing again. In contrast, her Guatemalan nannies look exhausted. Panettiere showed up to the Critic’s Choice Awards in a dress that fashion commentators noted has a keyhole cutout in the front. That’s because they’re all gay and have never heard of stripper tit window. What’s your baby’s name again? Just kidding. I’m not sure that nipple tape is double sided.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 26, 2014 @ 8:50 AM
Hayden Panettiere kept her hand dramatically on her womb most of the Emmys night just in case anybody didn’t realize she was pregnant. For the slower witted, Hayden massaged her teats until a milky like silicon colloid oozed from her nipples. The anorexic tanned hostess from E! caught Hayden referring to the baby as ‘her’ then cackled with delight as much as somebody who hasn’t eaten since the Spring of ’07 can cackle. Not exactly a Dan Rather-Richard Nixon moment, but for people who live vicariously through pregnant young Hollywood midgets, it was like the invention of fire. Women like to monitor other women’s pregnancies the way men follow sports teams. If they could, women would wear the jerseys of their pregnant friends inappropriately to formal occasions.The fact that unwed mothers can freely walk the red carpet of award shows side by side with lesbian adoptive parents and transgendered actresses shows exactly how progressive Hollywood truly is. Also, why I no longer masturbate during the Red Carpets until I know exactly who is tucking away a dick or not.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty
By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Wladimir Klitschko is 6-foot-6 and weighs about 245 pounds, while Hayden Panettiere is 3-foot-1 and weighs as much as a bag of grapes, so it’s only natural to imagine him splitting her into a dozen pieces when they have crazy Ukrainian gorilla sex. But whatever his methods, Wladimir has managed to not only keep Hayden in one piece but he got her pregnant, too. In fact, Us Weekly claims she’s “totally pregnant” in case you doubted the validity of this report. It must have been her doctor who filed that anonymous tip, because only people who went to really expensive schools use such technical medical terms as “totally pregnant” and eventually, once Hayden gives birth, “snatch like the Chunnel.”
Photo Credit: Getty, Glamour
By Lex September 02, 2013 @ 5:02 PM
Now this is Labor Day. Sure, the American labor movement has been crushed into near oblivion. Maybe everything we own is now made in a country overseas that changes its name every ten years to try and make people forget that Gary Glitter violated its children. And maybe the blue collar American middle class worker is now but a Happy Days dream of the past. But we’ve still got the finest tits in the world. Even our short girls have enormous jugs. Sure, the parts were made in those same foreign countries. But we imported them, cleared those bags through customs, and stuffed them in our ladies’ racks. We also almost sort of invented the bikini. America, fuck yeah.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com, PCN
By Lex May 14, 2013 @ 1:19 PM
Guys have some strange fascination with short girls. There’s some unfounded collective belief that all short girls are somehow gymnastically inclined nymphomaniac spinners who fly on and off your member like Sandy Duncan in her Peter Pan harness. I once had sex with a shorter gal. She was grumpy as hell and after sex she punched me in the liver and ran off with my gold. I’m not saying that’s how all short women are, just the same, I’d watch my back when doing the deed with any woman not tall enough to ride Space Mountain.
Here’s Hayden Panettiere in a bikini. Apparently she and her big fake boobs can spin 360-degrees on your junk with just a gentle push.
Photo Credit: PCN
By Lex April 01, 2013 @ 12:22 PM
Hayden Panettiere can afford to be cocky. When you’re a midget and the entire male world wants to bang the snot out of you, you’re doing well for yourself. She’s also now engaged to Vladimir Klitschko who may or may not own one of the seventeen unofficial heavyweight boxing titles. I stopped watching boxing when I saw Oscar de la Hoya crossdressing. She’s making bank, starring on a show, and her fake boobs look damn hot in her bikini. So, fuck yeah, Hayden, let your jingle jangle.
Photo Credit: FlameFlynet