Jennifer Garner Resigns (VIDEO)

By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Ellen DeGeneres committed the ultimate social faux pas by asking Jennifer Garner if she was pregnant, the answer was no. Of course, this is all staged and producers before the show have walked Ellen and Jennifer through this mock revelation so that the exchange appears to be off the cuff. Those mad fucking geniuses. The stage was now set for Garner to excitedly share with everyone she will rock a slight gut from now on:

“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”

I’ve always felt once you turn sixty its time to start doing heroin and binge eat yourself to death, though I guess you couldn’t really do both. But Garner isn’t there yet. If you feel like you’re a bit stretched out, why not hit the gym instead of soliciting affirmation from a studio audience blindly applauding a lady dressed like a sitcom dad? Maybe you can’t fix the entire ‘bump’ without surgery, but I bet some stomach crunches and Pilates will make it less bumpy. Accepting yourself is great, but accepting yourself as damaged goods probably isn’t super healthy once the lights at the Ellen Show dim. At this rate Garner will pass away of old age peacefully surrounded by loved ones sometime in December.

Ben Affleck Jelly Spine And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 30, 2014 @ 12:32 PM

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Kevin Smith revealed that his bromance with vagina-chinned Ben Affleck ended because Jennifer Garner thinks Smith is a foul mouthed fat stoner piece of shit. It’s unclear if she had problems with parts of that or all of that. More importantly, this is another tale in the fast growing legend that is pussy-whipped Ben Affleck.

Read all about the death of nerd friendship. (Moviepilot)

Wanna see Jessica Alba in a bikini for Maxim? Why,yes! (Huffington Post)

Beyonce proves she and Jay Z aren’t getting a divorce through Instagram. (The Superficial)

Kimberly Garner and her ass model her bikinis just for you. (COED)

Today in Kim K feuds, she’s hates Adrienne Bailon. (Dlisted)

Abigail Ratchford knows what you need: bouncing boobies. (BroBible)

Kate Upton’s tits were featured in Elle. I guess she’s in it too. (Fishwrapper)

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are a glamorous couple

By brendon November 30, 2012 @ 6:37 PM

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner drove their $100,000 Tesla Model S to get 2 dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme in Santa Monica today, and braved the rain to do it, so I assume they were stoned off their ass. That’s the only time 24 donuts from Krispy Kreme sounds like a good idea.

Not only that, but on her way out, Garner signed a petition to murder Girl Scouts. You heard it here first: Jennifer Garner is a violent drug addict!

Ben Affleck is patriotic

By brendon July 05, 2012 @ 9:47 AM

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Just like they do every year, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner brought their daughters to a 4th of July parade yesterday, and I can’t believe it but this one was in Pacific Palisades. It totally looks like a Boston parade. Where you’d hear Dropkick Murphys ‘The State Of Massachusetts’ at least 10 times, and at one point the guy in the Red Sox cap in front of Ben would lean in and say, “I swear to fahkin Gahd B, if that fahkin dahkie looks at me one more time Ima throw him a fahkin beatin.”

(image source = fame/flynet)

Jennifer Garner is adorable

By brendon October 07, 2011 @ 6:00 PM

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Jennifer Garner visited her daughters school in Santa Monica today, and despite the fact that she’s an instantly recognizable actress who is married to a very famous actor, when they gave her a sticker to wear as a name tag, she actually wore it (it says “Jennifer Affleck” if you cant tell).

And yes I realize that’s completely normal behavior and that’s the point. In Hollywood that’s astounding. Do you really think someone like Jennifer Aniston would do this? She’d rather die. Unless you wrote Jennifer Pitt on it, in which case she’d put it on immediately and then curl up on the floor and cry. Hahaha! We should do that! I hate that bitch!

(image source = fame)

Tuesday headlines, with Gaga on the Simpsons

By brendon August 23, 2011 @ 6:08 PM

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LADY GAGA – will play herself on ‘The Simpsons’, “to cheer up a dejected Lisa through the power of speech, song, and a flash mob.” The message being: if you’re feeling low, try annoying the hell out of people. (ew)

WILL SMITH AND JADA PINKETT – were reportedly broken up, but this morning Wills son Trey tweeted that it wasn’t true, and now they’ve issued a statement saying, “Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact.” Oohh. “Intact”. What a romantic word. I guess things really are going great. “My wife is very suitable”, Will went on to explain. (twitter, access hollywood)

MEGAN FOX – confirmed that she’s having the tattoo on her forearm of Marilyn Monroe removed, saying, “She was a negative person, she was disturbed, bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life.” Oh relax Megan. It’s not Ed Gein for Christs sake. (us)

BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER GARNER – are expecting their third child to go along with their daughters Violet, 5, and Seraphina, 2. No word yet on if its a boy or a girl, or what stripper/wish granting cartoon mouse they’ll name them after. (people)