By Lex July 03, 2015 @ 9:36 AM
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing amicably. They intend to remain great friends and even continue to live together to parent their three carefully named children. Which sounds an awful lot like being married, with the exception that all that side fucking is no longer cheating. It’s rather genius if you can pull it off. Affleck gets models on his dick at night and breakfast with the nuclear family the next morning. While Garner presumably gets to feel like she’s not hurting the kids because she married a dude who loves Pai Gow and Asian pussy.
They are not the first celebrity divorced couple to employ such cohabitation tactics. None have lasted on the same property past about six months or the first time they heard their ex screaming ‘I’m gonna cum so hard for you, you fucking whore!’ from the guest house. That’s just super hard to get used to. It’s unnatural to remain amicable with your former spouse. It’s the one person in the world you probably have good reason to hate. What has the leader of ISIS done to you personally? That’s right, nothing. But your ex betrayed your trust, lied to you, treated you like shit, took you for granted, and at some point, probably pissed on the toilet seat just to cause you aggravation. Tell me again how this is for the children? Don’t answer that. Here’s your Facebook like.
By Matt July 02, 2015 @ 8:13 AM
It’s unclear if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing because he’s an alcoholic and gambling addict and his family owned slaves or because he’s a crappy husband. Usually one leads to the other. Few relationships end over a lack of blackjack and cigar smoking. He also might just be moving onto younger ass. The pair have been married for over ten years, which means in Hollywood terms they’ll be entombed eternally. Furthering the glass is half full viewpoint, how often do you find a straight actor anymore? The breakup was apparently mutual, meaning Affleck texted back a thumbs up emoji. It appears the two did no have a prenup or have any use for one since neither appears to be a gold digging whore. It was great while it lasted. On to the strip club then more meet and greets at the White House.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt October 10, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Ellen DeGeneres committed the ultimate social faux pas by asking Jennifer Garner if she was pregnant, the answer was no. Of course, this is all staged and producers before the show have walked Ellen and Jennifer through this mock revelation so that the exchange appears to be off the cuff. Those mad fucking geniuses. The stage was now set for Garner to excitedly share with everyone she will rock a slight gut from now on:
“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”
I’ve always felt once you turn sixty its time to start doing heroin and binge eat yourself to death, though I guess you couldn’t really do both. But Garner isn’t there yet. If you feel like you’re a bit stretched out, why not hit the gym instead of soliciting affirmation from a studio audience blindly applauding a lady dressed like a sitcom dad? Maybe you can’t fix the entire ‘bump’ without surgery, but I bet some stomach crunches and Pilates will make it less bumpy. Accepting yourself is great, but accepting yourself as damaged goods probably isn’t super healthy once the lights at the Ellen Show dim. At this rate Garner will pass away of old age peacefully surrounded by loved ones sometime in December.
By Jack July 30, 2014 @ 12:32 PM
Kevin Smith revealed that his bromance with vagina-chinned Ben Affleck ended because Jennifer Garner thinks Smith is a foul mouthed fat stoner piece of shit. It’s unclear if she had problems with parts of that or all of that. More importantly, this is another tale in the fast growing legend that is pussy-whipped Ben Affleck.
Read all about the death of nerd friendship. (Moviepilot)
Wanna see Jessica Alba in a bikini for Maxim? Why,yes! (Huffington Post)
Beyonce proves she and Jay Z aren’t getting a divorce through Instagram. (The Superficial)
Kimberly Garner and her ass model her bikinis just for you. (COED)
Today in Kim K feuds, she’s hates Adrienne Bailon. (Dlisted)
Abigail Ratchford knows what you need: bouncing boobies. (BroBible)
Kate Upton’s tits were featured in Elle. I guess she’s in it too. (Fishwrapper)
By brendon November 30, 2012 @ 6:37 PM
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner drove their $100,000 Tesla Model S to get 2 dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme in Santa Monica today, and braved the rain to do it, so I assume they were stoned off their ass. That’s the only time 24 donuts from Krispy Kreme sounds like a good idea.
Not only that, but on her way out, Garner signed a petition to murder Girl Scouts. You heard it here first: Jennifer Garner is a violent drug addict!
Just like they do every year, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner brought their daughters to a 4th of July parade yesterday, and I can’t believe it but this one was in Pacific Palisades. It totally looks like a Boston parade. Where you’d hear Dropkick Murphys ‘The State Of Massachusetts’ at least 10 times, and at one point the guy in the Red Sox cap in front of Ben would lean in and say, “I swear to fahkin Gahd B, if that fahkin dahkie looks at me one more time Ima throw him a fahkin beatin.”
(image source = fame/flynet)