Ben Affleck is steadily denying he nailed his nanny while she appears to be milking the rumor for all it’s worth. Women love attention. Even if it’s in the form of dubious claims that you’re a home wrecker. People used to take pride in their job. Now they take pride in being fired for doing the one thing they’re no supposed to do at their job. It’s unclear how long this charade will last. Probably until Ouzounian runs out of outfits to walk to and from her car for no reason while the stupid paparazzi are camped outside her house in violation of Megan’s Law. Taking a private flight with a guy doesn’t mean something happened. Nine times out of ten it did but there’s always the chance he got drunk and passed out first. The point is it’s now obvious she definitely would. It’s the violation of trust that hurts. Also the visual of you being bent over an ottoman at 30,000 feet. But mostly it’s the trust. Pull the fire alarm.
Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who is letting everybody think she’s been fucking Ben Affleck during his split with his wife, let the world into her inner sanctum with an Instagram photo of herself being photographed by the paparazzi and a song quote, because this is middle school:
She’s just a girl and she’s on fire’ — Alicia Keys
I’m not sure you’re technically allowed to declare yourself on fire. It’s like giving yourself a nickname. It violates the social contract and many slices of humble pie. She’s the Donald Trump of fucking your famous boss. In a post-Kardashian world, you don’t even need to explain why.
This all could have been avoided with one pretty simple rule — don’t hire a fuckable nanny. Ever. Retain an old chubby Guatemalan lady. Schwarzenegger fucked his. But he’s the exception, not the rule. Run your candidates through a Kobayashi Maru. You want to fuck my husband to get famous, but you’ll destroy a good woman and three young kids in the process. See which way she helms the Enterprise. If it’s toward the José Eber for a makeover before tipping off the paparazzi, wish her luck at her new job at Menchies. This shouldn’t be that hard. Don’t bring younger hotter vagina into your own home. Not everybody’s fortunate enough to come up with Puerto Rican girlfriends for guidance.
It’s entirely possible the rumors Ben Affleck was porking the nanny, Christine Ouzounian, are false. In fact there is zero credible evidence to back it up. Except that she’s a hot Armenian chick in her late 20′s. If that’s who you’re hiring as a nanny, given all the information we have on what inevitably happens in this scenario, as a husband you deserve to fuck this chick, and as a wife you deserve to be cheated on. Either you wanted it to happen, or you’re just dumb. There’s no other possible option. Is there a shortage of portly middle aged Salvadorian women? You know the ones who can cook and don’t call in every other day because they’re feeling not pretty? You take your husband, who could fuck just about every chick outside of Wesleyan and set him up with a young hot chick who is by the way mothering his children, while you’re out shooting a passion project, and you expect him not to take out his Batman? I’m not sure if did it, but he certainly should have. You don’t poke a sleeping giant.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing amicably. They intend to remain great friends and even continue to live together to parent their three carefully named children. Which sounds an awful lot like being married, with the exception that all that side fucking is no longer cheating. It’s rather genius if you can pull it off. Affleck gets models on his dick at night and breakfast with the nuclear family the next morning. While Garner presumably gets to feel like she’s not hurting the kids because she married a dude who loves Pai Gow and Asian pussy.
They are not the first celebrity divorced couple to employ such cohabitation tactics. None have lasted on the same property past about six months or the first time they heard their ex screaming ‘I’m gonna cum so hard for you, you fucking whore!’ from the guest house. That’s just super hard to get used to. It’s unnatural to remain amicable with your former spouse. It’s the one person in the world you probably have good reason to hate. What has the leader of ISIS done to you personally? That’s right, nothing. But your ex betrayed your trust, lied to you, treated you like shit, took you for granted, and at some point, probably pissed on the toilet seat just to cause you aggravation. Tell me again how this is for the children? Don’t answer that. Here’s your Facebook like.
It’s unclear if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are divorcing because he’s an alcoholic and gambling addict and his family owned slaves or because he’s a crappy husband. Usually one leads to the other. Few relationships end over a lack of blackjack and cigar smoking. He also might just be moving onto younger ass. The pair have been married for over ten years, which means in Hollywood terms they’ll be entombed eternally. Furthering the glass is half full viewpoint, how often do you find a straight actor anymore? The breakup was apparently mutual, meaning Affleck texted back a thumbs up emoji. It appears the two did no have a prenup or have any use for one since neither appears to be a gold digging whore. It was great while it lasted. On to the strip club then more meet and greets at the White House.
Ellen DeGeneres committed the ultimate social faux pas by asking Jennifer Garner if she was pregnant, the answer was no. Of course, this is all staged and producers before the show have walked Ellen and Jennifer through this mock revelation so that the exchange appears to be off the cuff. Those mad fucking geniuses. The stage was now set for Garner to excitedly share with everyone she will rock a slight gut from now on:
“I am not pregnant, but I’ve had three kids and there is a ‘bump.’ From now on ladies, I will have a ‘bump’ and it will be my ‘baby bump’ and let’s just all settle in and get used to it, it’s not going anywhere.”
I’ve always felt once you turn sixty its time to start doing heroin and binge eat yourself to death, though I guess you couldn’t really do both. But Garner isn’t there yet. If you feel like you’re a bit stretched out, why not hit the gym instead of soliciting affirmation from a studio audience blindly applauding a lady dressed like a sitcom dad? Maybe you can’t fix the entire ‘bump’ without surgery, but I bet some stomach crunches and Pilates will make it less bumpy. Accepting yourself is great, but accepting yourself as damaged goods probably isn’t super healthy once the lights at the Ellen Show dim. At this rate Garner will pass away of old age peacefully surrounded by loved ones sometime in December.