Jennifer Lawrence Braless, Happy

By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 10:10 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Braless At Serena Premiere
At some point the job of blond bombshell in Hollywood got a whole lot harder. Back in the day you giggled and showed off your tits at premieres and got snuck into the back door of the White House. Eventually you got into pills and booze and were dead by thirty. Neat and clean. Now you have to compare the leak of your kitty pics to sex crimes, panel discuss the complexity of being a working woman in film, and still have the energy to coax Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband into a state of musical genius semi-erection. I bet gin and barbiturates are looking pretty good right about now.

Photo Credit: Getty

Jennifer Lawrence’s Boyfriend Is Gay Adjacent

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

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Jennifer Lawrence offered up some heinous details of her relationship with Chris Martin in Vanity Fair, like how she mostly gets off on reality TV and farting these days:

“Isn’t boring so much better than passion?… I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV… [Someone who] you know, isn’t afraid to fart in front of me [rather] than to have big, passionate love. I’d rather have just a peaceful time… You can be your true self with somebody, and somebody can be their true self with you.”

This seems like a departure from snapping large volumes of self diddling photos for her last boyfriend. Maybe an impressionable Lawrence is channeling her elderly effeminate boyfriend’s longwinded explanations of how watching Dance Moms provides a greater spiritual connection than grappling with her supple breasts. People get comfortable. Sometimes the thrill just isn’t there, but if this is the case in the first months of dating, the dude has a few Abercrombie clad skeletons in his closet. This is the period in the relationship when people carnally fuck each other’s brains out and call it true love. Coldplay should provide a solid soundtrack to a dull lifeless relationship where the two bond deeply over eating bon bons and catty gossip about the neighbors upstairs.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jennifer Lawrence Takes Off Her Top and Gets Super Angry

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Poses Topless For Vanity Fair
Jennifer Lawrence took off her top for Vanity Fair to discuss her outrage over her leaked naughty photos. She had Baretta’s cockatoo on her wrist to show her commitment to fighting crime. That or she was about to kill her baby mama out back of a pizzeria. Lawrence considers the theft of her nude photos to be a sex crime, people who look at her photos to be sexual offenders, and web site owners who display the photos to be ‘detached from humanity’ and ‘empty inside’.

I don’t care how much money I get for The Hunger Games. I promise you, anybody given the choice of that kind of money or having to make a phone call to tell your dad that something like that has happened, it’s not worth it.

At $10 million per Hunger Games I’m going to guess the real answer is not nobody and probably closer to everybody would take that deal. Hey, dad, naked photos of me got hacked. How about I buy you a Bentley and send you and mom on a six week luxury vacation to the Bahamas and we’ll talk about it when you get back? Yes, I know I’m your favorite daughter.

I understand Lawrence’s embarrassment and outrage and oh that we could live in a perfect world where women could make money off their bodies entirely at their sole discretion. But we don’t. And she knows that. Women have been peeped since the dawn of time. They’ve been exploited on camera since the invention of the camera. And their private sex photos have been illicitly distributed since they started taking private sex photos and emailing them ‘Just for Tommy! ILU!’.

Outrage is cool. Acting naive when you’re a mega movie star and sex symbol with a vast public relations and legal machine seems a bit out of whack. Also, your tits looked absolutely amazing. It really could’ve been much worse

Sincerely,

Sex Offender

No One Loves A Whore And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 04, 2014 @ 10:35 AM

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With all the hoopla over the celebrity nude photo leak, one has to wonder, why the fuck did nobody care the many times before celebrity photos and sex videos got shat out across the Internet? I’d say it’s because people see Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton as lovable sweethearts, while Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, more like the girls Vegas conventioneers pay to see how far she can take a cucumber in her twat.

Read all about America’s nude pic hypocrisy. (Huffington Post)

Joan Rivers isn’t dead yet. You can’t kill the undead. (Dlisted)

I hate Lea Michele’s scrunchy faces but I do enjoy her ass. (Popoholic)

Let’s enjoy these totally grown-up pics of Mckayla Maroney in a swimsuit. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daisy Lowe has some big ‘ol titty balls. (The Superficial)

I never get tired of looking at Emilt Ratajkowski in skimpy underwear. (COED)

Anastasia Ashley, a surfboard, and a tiny swimsuit. Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Prostate Cancer Foundation Rejects Jennifer Lawrence Sticky Dollars

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

JL

The Prostate Cancer Foundation rejected $6,000 dollars in donations that were contributed in the name Jennifer Lawrence’s “honor”, apparently by people wanking to her leaked nude photos. The Reddit page donation link was a way for those who felt bad about looking at the hacked photos to clear their conscience by helping curing guy cancer. The joke is that jerking off is good for your prostate. That’s what my high school gym teacher used to tell me when he helped me at least. The foundation decided not to accept the donations and said:

“We would never condone raising funds for cancer research in this manner. Out of respect for everyone involved and in keeping with our own standards, we are returning all donations that resulted from this post.”

If masturbating to Jennifer Lawrence’s perfect titties is going to help men have superior prostate health and also raise money to find a cure for this horrid disease, how can the damn Prostate Cancer Foundation be against it? Do they really track down and research the moral legitimacy of all their donors? They’ve probably taken donations from rapists and murderers in the past and not even blinked an eyelash. Bad people giving good money is good money. Stop judging, take the six grand, and cure some fucking cancer. That’s how you respect Jennifer Lawrence.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Camera Phone Hacking, I’ve Seen Them All Naked

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Kate-Upton-Topless-on-Instagram

I have looked. And I will look again.

America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.

I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.

What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs.  Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?

Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.

For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home.  Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.

Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers.  My penis has the God-given right to be happy.

Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram