No One Loves A Whore And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 04, 2014 @ 10:35 AM

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With all the hoopla over the celebrity nude photo leak, one has to wonder, why the fuck did nobody care the many times before celebrity photos and sex videos got shat out across the Internet? I’d say it’s because people see Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton as lovable sweethearts, while Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, more like the girls Vegas conventioneers pay to see how far she can take a cucumber in her twat.

Read all about America’s nude pic hypocrisy. (Huffington Post)

Joan Rivers isn’t dead yet. You can’t kill the undead. (Dlisted)

I hate Lea Michele’s scrunchy faces but I do enjoy her ass. (Popoholic)

Let’s enjoy these totally grown-up pics of Mckayla Maroney in a swimsuit. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daisy Lowe has some big ‘ol titty balls. (The Superficial)

I never get tired of looking at Emilt Ratajkowski in skimpy underwear. (COED)

Anastasia Ashley, a surfboard, and a tiny swimsuit. Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Prostate Cancer Foundation Rejects Jennifer Lawrence Sticky Dollars

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 7:11 AM

JL

The Prostate Cancer Foundation rejected $6,000 dollars in donations that were contributed in the name Jennifer Lawrence’s “honor”, apparently by people wanking to her leaked nude photos. The Reddit page donation link was a way for those who felt bad about looking at the hacked photos to clear their conscience by helping curing guy cancer. The joke is that jerking off is good for your prostate. That’s what my high school gym teacher used to tell me when he helped me at least. The foundation decided not to accept the donations and said:

“We would never condone raising funds for cancer research in this manner. Out of respect for everyone involved and in keeping with our own standards, we are returning all donations that resulted from this post.”

If masturbating to Jennifer Lawrence’s perfect titties is going to help men have superior prostate health and also raise money to find a cure for this horrid disease, how can the damn Prostate Cancer Foundation be against it? Do they really track down and research the moral legitimacy of all their donors? They’ve probably taken donations from rapists and murderers in the past and not even blinked an eyelash. Bad people giving good money is good money. Stop judging, take the six grand, and cure some fucking cancer. That’s how you respect Jennifer Lawrence.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Camera Phone Hacking, I’ve Seen Them All Naked

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Kate-Upton-Topless-on-Instagram

I have looked. And I will look again.

America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.

I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.

What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs.  Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?

Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.

For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home.  Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.

Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers.  My penis has the God-given right to be happy.

Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram

Jennifer Lawrence Topless Maybe; Did Gwyneth Leak These Photos?

By Lex August 31, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

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Update: never underestimate the power of celebrities with big guns. The photos are no longer here. I do believe the Jennifer Lawrence topless photos are still alive and well on Reddit….

 

Fuck, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow has the capability of nabbing photos off the world’s digital servers, though she has the motive since Gay Beethoven and she split and he started dating Jennifer Lawrence. Of course, sending out pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s big ole perfect titties doesn’t seem like much of a revenge plot. Oh, yeah, now nobody likes her. According to 4Chan, the Internet’s most unclaimed fountain of crap, these photos are legit. They sure look like Jennifer Lawrence the last time I saw her naked. I wouldn’t make any definitive judgements until you’re done masturbating. Refractory periods are when the Muses step in.

Miley Cyrus Called Bullshit On Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscars Story

By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Miley is still so unique and original

Everybody’s favorite and totally not overexposed actress Jennifer Lawrence told Seth Meyers a funny story the other night about how she threw up at an Oscars after party, and what made it even funnier and quirkier for the girl next door is that she did it right in front of Miley Cyrus. Everybody ate this shit up with a shovel because Jennifer can’t do anything wrong, but at least one person thinks that this story is a little too cute to be true – Miley Cyrus. In a since deleted tweet, Miley responded to someone that Lawrence’s story “never happened,” which was actually a little bit disappointing. At least tell us what did happen. Did it simply “never happen”, as in Miley didn’t even attend that party? Or did it “never happen” as in Jennifer actually threw up on Miley, because she thought that some vomit on her dress would be a good excuse to strip down to a crotchless body suit and walk around with an Oscar statue in her twat? Details, you boring hick.

Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus’s Instagram

Jennifer Lawrence Won The Oscar For Best Barfing (VIDEO)

By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

Everybody seems to love Jennifer Lawrence because she’s young and attractive and has no problem acting like an idiot, all in the name of being quirky and zany. She’s also an Oscar winner, so that bought her a few years of invincibility when it comes to behavior that would be considered really fucking annoying if pulled off by a lesser celebrity. So everyone’s just eating up her witty anecdote that she revealed to Seth Meyers on Late Night last night, about the time that she was at an Oscars after party and she threw up in front of other famous people. Even Miley Cyrus told her to get her shit together, which is really the ultimate sign in knowing that you’re acting like a complete asshole.