Jennifer Lawrence Boycotts The Internet

By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 6:11 AM

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Jennifer Lawrence is adamant she will never join Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, is on the fence about Plenty Of Fish and will most likely invest in some carrier pigeons. Lawrence went out of her way to specify that she’s basically a technophobe out of protest for the fact you can see where her babies will come from on the Internet:

“I really like laser focused… It’s because the Internet has scorned me so much that I feel like it’s that girl in high school that I’m like, ‘Oh you want to talk about her? Yeah I’ll do that!’ Take my hoops off, I’m ready to go.”

Lawrence should look at the Fappening as a blessing in disguise. When Larry Bird’s father committed suicide it drove him to become the best player in the world. It sucks everyone saw you masturbating but on the bright side you don’t have to waste your time interacting with a bunch of dipshits on Twitter. I’d gladly broadcast a colonoscopy in exchange for not having to click Like on Facebook a hundred times a day so I don’t offend my female friends and leave my male friends wondering if I’m gay and unemployed.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Jennifer Lawrence Nipples Make Us All Sex Offenders

By Lex November 11, 2014 @ 9:26 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Nip Slip While Leaving Hunger Games Premiere In London
I was with Jennifer Lawrence when she labeled everybody sex criminals for whacking to her hacked photos. It seemed harsh, but backing her felt like I was finally striking a blow for sexism. Also, my best chance to get laid. Peeking into her dress top to stare at her tits is probably at least a Grade-B misdemeanor. Could be a Grade-A if she did some more chest exercises. Just saying, if you’re going to keep flashing them, put a little time on the pectoral Nautilus at the Bally’s.

Jennifer Lawrence lies somewhere on that Uptonian spectrum of ladies who want to bank serious cash off their looks, but call you names when you do look. Pack on thirty pounds and quit the picture business and you’ll notice the peeping tom count drops siginificantly. The horny geezer at Walmart will still crank his neck when you reach for items on the lower shelf, just enough to make you wish you hadn’t thrown out the baby with the bathwater.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Chris Martin Uncouples from Jennifer Lawrence And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 27, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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It’s time to spin the roulette wheel of Chris Martin beards. I’m not suggesting that Chris Martin is gay, merely that a decade of having to beg Gwyneth Paltrow for a handshake and a compliment made him realize he had a low fence and it was time to hop over.

Martin and Lawrence are over, deal with your sad feelings through song (Dlisted)

Duck Commander’s son suffers hunting seizure, dad declares mouth to mouth gay (TMZ)

Paris Hilton is one sexy cockeyed bunny, if you include the coke and dismiss the pox (HuffPo)

Hilary Swank is half monster half… you’ll see (DrunkenStepfather)

Kat Torres is pretty damn hot for a bottled water whore (HollywoodTuna)

Anne Hathaway looks good, actually pretty fucking good (Popoholic)

Maria Menounos ass is ripe like a ripe some kind of big fruit (Superficial)

Jennifer Lawrence Braless, Happy

By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 10:10 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Braless At Serena Premiere
At some point the job of blond bombshell in Hollywood got a whole lot harder. Back in the day you giggled and showed off your tits at premieres and got snuck into the back door of the White House. Eventually you got into pills and booze and were dead by thirty. Neat and clean. Now you have to compare the leak of your kitty pics to sex crimes, panel discuss the complexity of being a working woman in film, and still have the energy to coax Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband into a state of musical genius semi-erection. I bet gin and barbiturates are looking pretty good right about now.

Photo Credit: Getty

Jennifer Lawrence’s Boyfriend Is Gay Adjacent

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

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Jennifer Lawrence offered up some heinous details of her relationship with Chris Martin in Vanity Fair, like how she mostly gets off on reality TV and farting these days:

“Isn’t boring so much better than passion?… I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV… [Someone who] you know, isn’t afraid to fart in front of me [rather] than to have big, passionate love. I’d rather have just a peaceful time… You can be your true self with somebody, and somebody can be their true self with you.”

This seems like a departure from snapping large volumes of self diddling photos for her last boyfriend. Maybe an impressionable Lawrence is channeling her elderly effeminate boyfriend’s longwinded explanations of how watching Dance Moms provides a greater spiritual connection than grappling with her supple breasts. People get comfortable. Sometimes the thrill just isn’t there, but if this is the case in the first months of dating, the dude has a few Abercrombie clad skeletons in his closet. This is the period in the relationship when people carnally fuck each other’s brains out and call it true love. Coldplay should provide a solid soundtrack to a dull lifeless relationship where the two bond deeply over eating bon bons and catty gossip about the neighbors upstairs.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Jennifer Lawrence Takes Off Her Top and Gets Super Angry

By Lex October 07, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Jennifer Lawrence Poses Topless For Vanity Fair
Jennifer Lawrence took off her top for Vanity Fair to discuss her outrage over her leaked naughty photos. She had Baretta’s cockatoo on her wrist to show her commitment to fighting crime. That or she was about to kill her baby mama out back of a pizzeria. Lawrence considers the theft of her nude photos to be a sex crime, people who look at her photos to be sexual offenders, and web site owners who display the photos to be ‘detached from humanity’ and ‘empty inside’.

I don’t care how much money I get for The Hunger Games. I promise you, anybody given the choice of that kind of money or having to make a phone call to tell your dad that something like that has happened, it’s not worth it.

At $10 million per Hunger Games I’m going to guess the real answer is not nobody and probably closer to everybody would take that deal. Hey, dad, naked photos of me got hacked. How about I buy you a Bentley and send you and mom on a six week luxury vacation to the Bahamas and we’ll talk about it when you get back? Yes, I know I’m your favorite daughter.

I understand Lawrence’s embarrassment and outrage and oh that we could live in a perfect world where women could make money off their bodies entirely at their sole discretion. But we don’t. And she knows that. Women have been peeped since the dawn of time. They’ve been exploited on camera since the invention of the camera. And their private sex photos have been illicitly distributed since they started taking private sex photos and emailing them ‘Just for Tommy! ILU!’.

Outrage is cool. Acting naive when you’re a mega movie star and sex symbol with a vast public relations and legal machine seems a bit out of whack. Also, your tits looked absolutely amazing. It really could’ve been much worse

Sincerely,

Sex Offender