By Lex November 19, 2015 @ 11:44 AM
Jennifer Lawrence’s gender pay gap whining can be blamed on Lena Dunham and her goose gobbler fat feminist blog. Cookie Puss cajoles female celebrities to invent victimhood bones to get in her gang. Peer pressure is a bitch. Try this cigarette, listen to Pantera, pen an essay about how you’re being ripped off at only ten million for eight weeks of work. The Hunger Games part inane is out which means seven tractor trailers full of cash will be backing up to Lawrence’s driveway to drop off her oppression pay. Bradley Cooper is breathing a sigh of relief. That was getting awkward. It’s not that rich people can’t openly complain about their income inequality, it’s just sometimes prudent to ask yourself, would a Syrian refugee Facebook Like my problems?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty
By Lex November 05, 2015 @ 12:39 PM
Jennifer Lawrence is getting paid the Gross National Product of Africa plus half of the subcontinent to star in the final film of the Hunger Games. Lawrence claims playing the role of Katniss in the film series inspired her to pen her open letter about gender pay discrimination in Hollywood. It’s unclear what film role inspired her to use entirely anecdotal evidence in the place of facts. In her next movie, Passengers, Lawrence is receiving $20 million while her co-star Chris Pratt is only receiving ten. Which should heal a lot of wounds for women in the workplace. More sideboob please. Feminism is still evolving.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex October 15, 2015 @ 11:38 AM
Several months ago a bunch of bloggers without facts of intuition started bemoaning how Matt Damon was being paid three suitcases full of cash more than Jessica Chastain for The Martian coming out in October. Now the movie is out and it’s clearly a Matt Damon movie starring Matt Damon being Matt Damon with an audience driving its currently $250 million worldwide box office because of Matt Damon. Jessica Chastain plays a pretty astronaut with perfect lipstick and a nice tight space suit that comes and goes in the film. Outside of the Chastain family, nobody is going to see this movie because of Jessica Chastain. She still got ten million or so, so woe fucking her tragic gender wage gap.
Emma Watson and Elizabeth Banks and a bunch of other actresses came out to ‘you go, girlfriend’ the Jennifer Lawrence lamentable tale of gender wage gap for rich actresses in Hollywood. Emma Watson cleared 15 mill on each of her final Harry Potter films, about $50 million for the movie series run. Her only movie series, from which she got cast as a twelve year old from among a bunch of other tween actresses to play the role that would run seven more films racking up big dollars. You could call it skill and ambition and talent. Or luck and fortune. Or I guess just sexism and victimization.
An E! reporter of dubious reporting skills asked Bradley Cooper what he thought about Lawrence’s complaints about pay on American Hustle and he responded that he hadn’t read the article. Which he hadn’t, because who wants to read one of your co-workers bitching about how you get paid more than they do. He realized he had to say something politically correct about the pay difference so he muttered something about there being a problem needing to be addressed while he imagined the house he bought with his higher pay and how many young models he fucked in the backyard pool.
Once impassioned celebrity essayists realize that men and women being different is by itself not the basis for lifelong hardship status, Lena Dunham will dematerialize and this planet will be 220 lbs. lighter and much much happier.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex October 13, 2015 @ 10:10 AM
Before rising on the stump to complain about your pay, maybe check to see if you took in $96 million in the past year. You’re inherently a horrible spokesperson for salary inequality arguments when you’re the top earning female actress in Hollywood.
Jennifer Lawrence fell into the trap of trying to please her self-satisfied tubby friend Lena Dunham by penning an essay in Lena’s new website for secretly very unhappy wealthy women about the wage gap for women in Hollywood. In her testament to blind feminist faith, Lawrence argues that she got paid less than her male counterparts for American Hustle., implying that there’s a wage gap based entirely on gender. Though a couple sentences later she admits this may be because she didn’t negotiate as hard as the male actors did for fear of coming across as a ‘spoiled brat’
When the Sony hack happened and I found out how much less I was being paid than the lucky people with dicks, I didn’t get mad at Sony. I got mad at myself. I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didn’t want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I don’t need.
Lawrence could have demanded more pay and almost certainly received it. But she didn’t. Lawrence blames social conditioning for women asking for less money for fear of seeming shrewish or bitchy. And the remedy is for business negotiators on the other end to give women more money in deals simply because they realize women are self-conscious about being seen as aggressive? Isn’t that actually horribly sexist?
Lawrence doesn’t even negotiate her own deals. Her agents do. The same agents who represent all the A-list male actors. It’s never not the right time to blame the Jews. As a female celebrity, Lawrence also earns heavily off of licensed merchandise deals like clothing lines and celebrity perfumes that would be nearly impossible for her male peers to match. Nobody’s buying Bradley Cooper’s I Fuck Tons O’ Young Pussy cologne. Though I probably would if it were available.
The perceived gender wage gap is a function of a factors not at all related to being lucky people with dicks. What is more startling is how many large dollar gigs Lawrence and a very small number of actors in Hollywood book because the film business is star-based. There are tons of potentially great actresses not named Jennifer Lawrence who make squat each year because of the vast quantities of money paid out to Lawrence. Helping a miniscule number of women roll up from seven figures to eight figures on a movie isn’t going to help jack diddly squat. How about taking your $50 million in fees and asking it to be spread out to a thousand talented actresses trying to make rent? Do you see how slippery the ‘life is unfair’ slope can be?
If you’re penning essays for Lena Dunham, you’ve already lost. Buy yourself an island in the Bahamas and shut the fuck up. That’s really all we ask.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex February 05, 2015 @ 12:26 PM
Leading up to the Oscars, Vanity Fair and a couple other big budget magazines post provocative photos of A-list celebrities shot by foreign dudes with perms. It’s a reminder that in a single photo with a giant snake, some tit, and a bucket full of Photoshop, they can create something more worthy than four hours of Oscars coverages. All you can really hope for is to get a hint of the penis metaphor and wait for the late night talk show stories about how crazy it was to shoot with a real snake. You know, because the Oscars In Memoriam is just filled with the bloodless faces of those we’ve lost to death by snake constriction. Wait, is that a boa instead of a boa? Fuck me, this is genius. Now turn over, Jenny, and let daddy have a smile.
Photo Credit: INF/Splash/Vanity Fair
By Matt November 12, 2014 @ 6:11 AM
Jennifer Lawrence is adamant she will never join Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, is on the fence about Plenty Of Fish and will most likely invest in some carrier pigeons. Lawrence went out of her way to specify that she’s basically a technophobe out of protest for the fact you can see where her babies will come from on the Internet:
“I really like laser focused… It’s because the Internet has scorned me so much that I feel like it’s that girl in high school that I’m like, ‘Oh you want to talk about her? Yeah I’ll do that!’ Take my hoops off, I’m ready to go.”
Lawrence should look at the Fappening as a blessing in disguise. When Larry Bird’s father committed suicide it drove him to become the best player in the world. It sucks everyone saw you masturbating but on the bright side you don’t have to waste your time interacting with a bunch of dipshits on Twitter. I’d gladly broadcast a colonoscopy in exchange for not having to click Like on Facebook a hundred times a day so I don’t offend my female friends and leave my male friends wondering if I’m gay and unemployed.
Photo Credit: Getty Images