Chris Hemsworth’s Wife Is On the Jealous Side

By Lex December 11, 2013 @ 6:06 PM

I don’t know why this story bothers me so much. I think it’s the sadness sweeping over me knowing that even successful Hollywood actors who could nail any woman end up married to a woman who vagina lashes all the fun out of them. That’s metaphysical angst or something. Natalie Portman was passing around a cutesy tidbit last week about how her steamy porn kissing scene with Chris Hemsworth in Thor 2: We’ve Run Out of Fucking Ideas, wasn’t really her in the scene. It was Chris’ wife, Elsa Pataky. Natalie made up some bullshit excuse about how she had a scheduling conflict during the very day they were shooting the romantic scene, and Chris’ wife just happened to selflessly volunteer to stand in, suddenly producing a perfectly fitting Natalie Portman wig she had stuffed in her purse. If Chris were a man, like, oh, I don’t know, Thor, he might’ve told his wife to back the fuck up while he felt up the hot Jewish chick he’d been promised in the script. But he didn’t, and Asgard fell like a limp dick.

Natalie Portman Could Use a Decent Meal

By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 12:21 PM

Natalie Portman In Low Cut Dress At A Benefit Gala In Los Angeles
Natalie Portman used to be the shit. The bomb. The little Jewish girl who could. I’m not sure what happened to her. She married a gay ballet dancer and they somehow produced a child and then she disappeared after what appears like many months of hardcore fasting. No woman should ever have bony cheeks. It’s a sign that they hate food. And women who hate food also hate men. I paint with a very broad brush. Still, just to be safe, find yourself a girl whose eyes light up at the Hometown Buffet. She’s probably going to be fun in the sack.

Photo Credit: Getty

Natalie Portman is attractive

By brendon October 10, 2012 @ 1:51 PM

natalie_portman_terrence_malick_austin

Natalie Portman is in Austin today filming a movie with director Terrence Malick, who everyone says is so great, but I thought of looking down her shirt and dressing her up as a slutty country girl way before he did. I had that idea, like, 5 years ago. I even photoshoped her head onto other girls bodies, and those girls were naked because they were having anal sex. This dude needs to step up his game.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Natalie Portman got married

By brendon August 06, 2012 @ 10:12 AM

natalie_portman_benjamin_millepied

Whereas Lindsay Lohan claims she can’t even breath without hundreds of paparazzi stalking her, much bigger star Natalie Portman got married this weekend and no one knew a thing about it.

Six months after very quietly debuting wedding bands at the 2012 Oscars, Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied exchanged marital vows in a Jewish ceremony at a private home near Big Sur, Calif., Us magazine can exclusively confirm. The 8pm wedding took place beneath a chuppah–and in the dark! No other details were immediately available.

Of course they also had a baby together about 14 months ago. Meaning they had sex, even though they weren’t married until now. Hope it was worth it when you’re burning in hell Mr. and Mrs. Sodomite!

(image source = wenn)

Natlaie Portman got married

By brendon February 28, 2012 @ 4:39 PM

natalie_portman_wedding_ring

Natalie Portman hasn’t said anything official yet, but a jeweler told People magazine that she designed wedding rings for Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepid, rings they appeared to be wearing Sunday night at the Oscars.

Wolf created two diamond rings for Portman, made to fit on either side of her engagement ring, and a platinum band for Millepied.

As you can see, Millepied was wearing the band (which wasn’t there last year) and the design for Portmans ring explains why her band is so much thicker now (before, before and after).

The weird thing is she wore that ring to the Screen Actors Guild Awards on January 29th too (1, 2), so they’ve apparently been married for a while and no one noticed until now. And actually no one did notice, that gabby jeweler ratted her out. Maybe no one would have noticed even now because the dress Natalie wore Sunday made it look like she had huge tits, and who cares about her hands if Natalie Portman has huge tits. She could have hooks or that stabby point thing Terminator 2 had for all I care, I’d still let her jack me off.

Natalie Portman is on a stamp

By brendon November 29, 2011 @ 7:15 PM

natalie_portman_stamp_1

It’s been a big day for PETA apparently, because they also announced a new series of US Postal stamps that have pictures of famous vegetarians on them, including Pam Anderson, Bryan Adams, and Da Vinci. If only DaVinci were alive today so he could feel the pride of being likened to Pam Anderson and Bryan Adams.