By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 12:13 PM
Cannes started again. Nobody can seem to stop it. Cannes is the annual film event in the South of France where European people you don’t know but are quite certain you would hate mix with Americans you know you hate to celebrate movies you will never watch. Roman Polanski will merge with Sean Penn and form a mega-roid-child-raping self satisfied beast that accepts the French adulation, followed shortly by their terms free surrender. Tons of good looking women show up so you’d go and pretend you fucking loved it if you had the chance. That’s pretty much the breakdown of every formal event ever. Wear a suit if you’re expecting to be laid or paid. You can thank me thirty years from now when it’s far too late.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 07, 2015 @ 8:32 AM
Things I learned from the Hollywood Reporter’s gushing interview with Natalie Portman: she’s insufferable. Bruce Jenner inquiring if he could have the clit off the woman he killed in the Lexus came off as more humble.
Portman has a ton of views on a ton of things all of which seem to be based on her desire to seem pretentious. She hates the right wing prime minister in Israel. She’s not super comfortable with the anti-Semitism in France but likens it to the way blacks are mistreated in America, so, zing. She missed the whole Charlie Hebdo assassinations because she was in Kenya touring the first school for girls built by Christian Dior. She can’t remember where she left her Oscar but disavows it as a false idol. She has no television, preferring books. Her ballet dancer husband is her greatest inspiration because he can still get it up for her if she uses her deep voice and tickles his prostate. Her son asks to go to the art museums after school rather than playing ball or video games because he’s even gayer than dad. French is a beautiful language she can’t read or speak so she insists on English at her Parisian dinner parties where everybody talks politics and the genome theory.
I feel like this country [United States] has a lot of religion and a lot of freedom around that; and there [France], the religion is almost like love. Love and intellectualism is their sort of way.”
I don’t know what that means, but I know I want to slap the organic pear shaving out of her hand. Portman spent the rest of the time discussing the movie she’s directing in ancient Hebrew or Aramaic or something that won’t ultimately matter since nobody outside of the Palm D’Or committee at Cannes will ever watch it. Fuck, I want to wash my soul out of with pumice. The only reason to move to Paris is because you’re fleeing rape charges or you really fucking love unpasteurized dairy products. Either way, we’re never sharing bunk beds. I think I used to like Natalie Portman. Now I just want to beat her with Gwyneth Paltrow’s colonic bag. Visit the no-go zones in Paris with a challah of understanding and report back. Your husband will dance a requiem in your honor.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Jack December 22, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Natalie Portman’s favorite whine is how Star Wars ruined her life. It seems that after she gave a shitty stilted performance in those steaming turd prequels no one wanted to work with her. Now she can only cry into her fat Lucas paycheck and residuals.
Read all about poor Oscar winner Natalie Portman. (Dlisted)
Wait, Joe Cocker wasn’t already dead? (TMZ)
Olivia Wilde in a bikini makes my peepee happy. (Huffington Post)
I will be blunt, I can see Martha Hunt’s cunt. (Drunken Stepfather)
Samantha Knoxx has big knockerrrs. (Hollywood Tuna)
Behold Danielle Knudson in a bikini and enjoy. (Popoholic)
Mila Kunis milk jugs are ginormous! (The Superficial)
By Lex December 11, 2013 @ 6:06 PM
I don’t know why this story bothers me so much. I think it’s the sadness sweeping over me knowing that even successful Hollywood actors who could nail any woman end up married to a woman who vagina lashes all the fun out of them. That’s metaphysical angst or something. Natalie Portman was passing around a cutesy tidbit last week about how her steamy porn kissing scene with Chris Hemsworth in Thor 2: We’ve Run Out of Fucking Ideas, wasn’t really her in the scene. It was Chris’ wife, Elsa Pataky. Natalie made up some bullshit excuse about how she had a scheduling conflict during the very day they were shooting the romantic scene, and Chris’ wife just happened to selflessly volunteer to stand in, suddenly producing a perfectly fitting Natalie Portman wig she had stuffed in her purse. If Chris were a man, like, oh, I don’t know, Thor, he might’ve told his wife to back the fuck up while he felt up the hot Jewish chick he’d been promised in the script. But he didn’t, and Asgard fell like a limp dick.
By Lex June 21, 2013 @ 12:21 PM
Natalie Portman used to be the shit. The bomb. The little Jewish girl who could. I’m not sure what happened to her. She married a gay ballet dancer and they somehow produced a child and then she disappeared after what appears like many months of hardcore fasting. No woman should ever have bony cheeks. It’s a sign that they hate food. And women who hate food also hate men. I paint with a very broad brush. Still, just to be safe, find yourself a girl whose eyes light up at the Hometown Buffet. She’s probably going to be fun in the sack.
Photo Credit: Getty
By brendon October 10, 2012 @ 1:51 PM
Natalie Portman is in Austin today filming a movie with director Terrence Malick, who everyone says is so great, but I thought of looking down her shirt and dressing her up as a slutty country girl way before he did. I had that idea, like, 5 years ago. I even photoshoped her head onto other girls bodies, and those girls were naked because they were having anal sex. This dude needs to step up his game.
(image source = fame/flynet)