By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 1:16 PM
The cast of Cruel Intentions reunited after sixteen years to commemorate the last movie any of them made that anybody saw. Some joked how lucky Brandon Lee was to die on the set of his 90′s breakout film, but nobody laughed because it was simply too painful. It’s tough to peak at twenty. Far worse to never have peaked at all. The film itself was merely Dangerous Liaisons re-set in the world of rich New York prep school kids, with the role of Lena Dunham played by people you were hoping would get naked. The movie set in motion of series of bad marriages and relationships between cast members that would leave each with various babies and sores that would linger well past the lifespan of the film itself. Reunions are a tricky business. The best strategy remains to get hair plugs and bring along a hot escort. When anybody asks what you do, respond, what don’t I do. Then order your escort to blow you. Hack.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Getty
By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 9:16 AM
I’m going to guess this scene is about two seconds of the move Wild. It’s about a woman who overcomes personal tragedy by showing off her tits and sucking some dude’s finger. I’m mostly gleaning that from the photos. I actually think it’s about a woman who overcomes personal loss by going on a really long and dangerous hike. Many people find that dangerous outdoor activities help them recover from trauma in their life. Though mostly in the movies. In real life it pales by sheer numbers to people who take up drinking and casual sex and hating the world. If I was posting a Match.com profile, I’d probably mention the hiking over the drinking and destructive behavior if you want any chance of adding that casual sex element.
Photo Credit: Fox Searchlight
By Lex November 05, 2014 @ 10:20 AM
You don’t need to see that video again where drunk Reese Witherspoon reminds a Georgia police officer that she once was the plucky star of Desperate Choices: To Save My Child on Lifetime. Oh, fuck, watch it again:
Reese used her wagging finger and star power once again to get out of a parking ticket in Los Angeles. Getting a meter maid to junk a ticket in L.A. is one of the modern Herculean tasks. It’s merely an urban legend. But that fucking wagging finger. It’s like Harry Potter’s wand or James Deen’s cock. Poof, you’re defenseless and being pummeled in the rectum.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 06, 2014 @ 9:16 AM
When you live in the plush world of Brentwood mansions and designer gown cocktail parties, you need to find a way to keep yourself grounded lest you become truly Kris Jenner evil. In her latest movie, Reese Witherspoon plays a person who helps people in horrible conditions in Africa, so she decided she wanted to see some horrible African shit for herself. She booked a side trip with her teen daughter to a refuge camp in Kenya where you can see lots of dreadful human safari type activity:
They saw women giving birth on metal tables and little boys sleeping with several brothers and sisters on concrete slabs, all with very little food or healthcare.
That’s not exactly Meryl Streep and Robert Redford getting it on in the savannah while lions purr gently against the setting sun. But it definitely sounds pretty Africa street. I’m sure Reese’s daughter was super happy mom canceled Opryland for East Kenya.
What was really amazing was the joy of these people to rise above and their determination to have a better life for their children. Their spirit was just incredible. They’d greet you with smiles and laughter and hugs.
If you’re pushing out kids on a veterinarian exam table while a river of liquified shit flows just feet below you through the runnels, the good news is it won’t take much for your kids to have a better life. Maybe be he first one in the family to get a pair of shoes not fashioned out of plastic bags that floated across the ocean from littering moms in Montauk. Whoever hugged Reese and snatched her Gucci wallet certainly has a leg up on the new shoes. The entire moving experience will be documented in Reese’s daughters Powerpoint presentation at The Brentwood School when the kids get back from Humanitarian Break.
Photo Credit: Vogue
By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:55 AM
Reese Witherspoon shot a segment for Vogue in which she answers 73 pre-screened questions in the most irritating, faux on-the-spot cadence you have ever heard. The segment is staged to look natural, fails miserably, and serves the basic purpose of allowing Witherspoon to show off her house which has been carefully set dressed to look like a real estate spread devoid of authenticity or contain human emotions. Deperately attempting to be a cute and bouncy teen on her second marriage in her 30s, she hams it up saying she’d love to dine with all the female U.S. Senators (dream dinner!), her rap name would be “Little Spoon”, and some other trite pre written schlock. The series is part of the new Vogue Channel, which you can subscribe to if you ever want to feel the overwhelming urge to kidney punch actresses you previously thought were cool. If you ever thought Witherspoon suffers occasional moments of self doubt, think again. If you still aren’t sure she will spit shine her Oscar and rub it in your face, which she does fruitfully and without irony in this very poor publicity choice which will likely see her PR rep fired immediately.
If you want to see Reese Witherspoon unscripted, I’d recommend this little bit of vérité, which is French for being wasted and swearing:
By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
In a much more entertaining and worthwhile video from Monday’s Met Gala, Cara Delevingne ended up in an elevator with Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel and Kate Upton, and it seems that at least Reese decided to get a little loose with the booze. Cara coaxed the already infamous drunk into playing the name game with her, because the way Reese says her last name with that twangy southern voice is a real hoot to a British gal like her. But Reese could barely pronounce any word, let alone “Delevingne” or “Do you know who I am?”, because she was apparently too busy making sure she really got her money’s worth of liquid stupidity for the evening.