By Travis March 04, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Scarlett Johansson is planning to marry her fiancé Romain Dauriac in September, but their family is apparently going to start a few months before then. According to reports, Scarlett is five months pregnant with her first child, and everyone assumes that it’s Romain’s kid because they’re engaged, but who knows if she ran into Benicio Del Toro in any elevators back in November? The actress recently revealed that she plans to give directing a try like most bored artists do when they feel that their acting is being held back by the visions of others, so it will be interesting to see how much time she takes off to be there for her child. There’s a good chance that this child will just be breast fed by a Dominican woman while Scarlett tattoos her baby’s name on the inside of her wrist so she never forgets it during interviews.
Photo Credit: WENN.com
By Lex January 30, 2014 @ 7:43 PM
I didn’t even know Scarlett Johansson was an ambassador. Apparently, she was, and a Global Ambassador to boot, for Oxfam, which is kind of complicated organization to explain, so let’s just call it rich white people trying to save kids from drinking poo water in Bangladesh and other places equally as hellish. When Oxfam has free time from their poo water cleanup projects, they also get into hating on Israel and Western business and people who have good cable TV packages and other Euro-socialist pro forma rants. Even though she’s kind of Jewish, I guess Scarlett really liked the idea of being a Global Ambassador for Oxfam, because that does sound pretty fucking awesome at parties. Also, Sean Penn was only a lightly decorated Oxfam lieutenant so she had something over him when they were boning and he would be going on about how he rescued a desperate family’s cow out of a river in Haiti using just his penis and imagining his nuts as a winch.
Sadly, Scarlett has been forced to resign her Global Ambassadorship because she took dough to be a spokeswoman for SodaStream, that company that turns the cheap and simple process of buying sodas into something annoying and far more complicated. SodaStream is owned by an Israeli company located in the West Bank which has the Palestinians all pissed off even though I guess it’s mostly Palestinians working there. Still when your unemployment rate recently has dropped to a record low 74%, I guess you can be choosy. So Palestinian activist groups speed-dialed Oxfam which then insisted Scarlett choose: SodaStream or them. Scarlett took a quick peek at her fat-ass SodaStream paycheck and decided she didn’t need to kiss any more Congolese babies with dysentery for the time being. Still, I bet she keeps that Ambassadorship on her resume.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex November 22, 2013 @ 5:10 PM
Everybody is using Scarlett Johansson’s birthday today as an excuse to show a bunch of pictures of her big ole boobs. I skipped Acai berries and that whole ‘get in shape’ thing during the last decade, I’ll be damned if I’m missing out on this trend. Scarlett’s having a big year. She got engaged to some French dude who runs an urban art magazine (read as: family money) and Esquire named her Sexiest Woman Alive. I’m not sure about all of that, but it’s certainly more on point than Maxim’s Miley Cyrus death knell. That’s it. Check out her tits.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex October 07, 2013 @ 12:46 PM
Maxim so lowered the bar with their Miley Cyrus Is the Most Attractive Creature Walking This Planet back alley abortion that I can’t bring myself to ridicule Esquire for their Scarlett Johansson nod. This superlatives whacking contest is just a time honored tradition for selling magazines in the old world economy of print journalism. Call me old fashioned but I go by the old standard of ‘Would you throw this woman out of bed?’. Personally, I’ve got the entire adult female world minus Lena Dunham and the chick who Charlize Theron portrayed in Monster on my list.
Photo Credit: Esquire
By Lex September 04, 2013 @ 2:11 PM
It’s never a good idea to quiz a woman on her previous relationships. A man takes what he can get in this world and ever looks forward. If you start investigating shit from the past, you’re only going to ruin a good thing, or ruin a bad thing, either way, you’re going to be getting laid less. Still, there’s going to be that moment when you’re kissing Scarlett Johansson’s big ole boobs and she blurts out, that’s where Sean Penn used to jizz, and you’re going to kick yourself for not being a little more inquisitive on the front end.
Here’s Scarlett at the Venice Film Festival. Like all European film festivals, it’s a grandiose celebration of films nobody is ever going to pay ten bucks to see.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, WENN
By Lex June 14, 2013 @ 10:33 AM
It was just a couple years ago that Scarlett Johansson’s attorney was threatening to sue the shit out of everybody and their mother if they shared her nude cellphone pictures. Scarlett was so shaken up, she started having sex with Sean Penn. No woman should ever have to feel that low. Now, Scarlett’s made a return to social media to share her own sexy self picture. Because that’s just how celebrities are. They want attention. They just want it on their own terms. Which is just like every other person in this world if every other person in the world had tons of money and a Century City law firm on retainer.