By Lex September 04, 2015 @ 6:42 AM
Scarlett Johansson moved on from Ryan Reynolds to marry a Ryan Reynolds doppelgänger scrubbed through a European metrosexual sieve. Upon their wedding, her husband Romain Dauriac tattooed the phrase ‘Lost Illusion’ on his body. Imagine his answer to what the means in a thick French accent and now imagine you’re not punching him in the kidney. He’s an art aficionado who prefers loafers without socks and has a zeal for dancing. So he’s basically the last four women I searched on Match.com. A t-shirt that reads I Have No Time For Men seems much simpler than marrying a French guy. We get it. At least he carries the baby. You had to pay the nanny.
Photo credit: Fame Flynet
By Lex May 13, 2015 @ 9:52 AM
Taking a respite from their obsession with all things cock, the ancient Greeks invented what they referred to as the golden ratio of the female body based on tit to waist to hip measurements. It’s like the old 36-24-26 bit but with real math that makes it less fun. A British lingerie company ran a bunch of celebrity measurements through the formula and discovered Scarlett Johansson most approximated the golden ratio. The entire top golden ratios bodies list contained a bunch of buxom hourglass actresses and Cameron Diaz who snuck in under the same rule that awards the girl with Down Syndrome the Homecoming Queen title at schools filled with teens from the third act of John Hughes movies. More importantly, anorexics now have a more classic reason to skip meals. Try telling Archimedes you feel beautiful the way you are. He knows exactly how much water you displace in the tub.
Photo Credit: WWTDD Archives
By Lex June 05, 2014 @ 3:12 PM
If Scarlett Johansson were my Jewish daughter, I’d sit her down and tell her after reportedly banging Benicio Del Toro in an elevator, failing to be married to Ryan Reynolds, and doinking Sean Penn, it’s time to find a nice accountant her own age and settle down. That’s both horrible stereotyping and awesome life advice. Instead, Scarlett went Door #3 and got knocked up by a French journalist who wears leggings in public. I’m not digging through the stats to calculate the success rates of CPA husbands versus unwed baby daddy partnerships with French journalists who wear leggings, but I can’t picture a CPA deciding to ditch cuddle time with Scarlett Johansson because the conflict in the Sudan has caused his dick to become gloomy.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 18, 2014 @ 5:48 PM
Scarlett Johansson is pretty smart. She managed to carefully navigate a response to being called out in Dylan Farrow’s ‘I Got Fondled And Nobody Gives a Shit’ letter as one of the actors who should be ashamed to be working with Woody Allen. Scarlett called upon a politician’s two best friends in her response: casual lying and double speak.
“I’m unaware that there’s been a backlash. I think he’ll continue to know what he knows about the situation, and I’m sure the other people involved have their own experience with it. It’s not like this is somebody that’s been prosecuted and found guilty of something, and you can then go, ‘I don’t support this lifestyle or whatever.’ I mean, it’s all guesswork.”
I find it rather hard to believe that Scarlett isn’t aware of the Woody Allen Diddle-Gate raging through especially New York newspapers and social circles. I guess being a pregnant unmarried working mom doesn’t leave much time for opening a newspaper, turning on the TV, accessing the Internet or talking to another living soul on the phone or in person. However, she is absolutely on the money that Woody will continue to know what he knows and that other people will know what they know. It’s hard to argue that factoid. She did wind it up with little logical nudge that people who don’t know what happened ought to shut the fuck up. Which would be everybody but Woody and Dylan and the creepy death clown who Mia Farrow assured Dylan would slaughter everyone she loved if she didn’t say Daddy bad touched her. There, I broke my own fucking rule.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 17, 2014 @ 8:28 AM
I’m not sure why Scarlett Johansson is so blurry, maybe she’s sad. This movie Under the Skin will likely be as boring as the rest of Scotland, no offense to Scotland, naturally. There are worse things than boring. Look at France. But who’s not going to pay attention to Scarlett Johansson buck naked. She plays an alien seductress who wears a horrible brunette wig and then likes to get nude in very poor lighting to frustrate men masturbating at home. That part may not be adapted straight from the book of the same title. This is one of those movies where some junior in development read a book that just had to be made into a movie and rushed into some executives office and told him that this book just had to be made into a movie and right after one amazing blowjob, he agreed. That’s not sexist because the junior in development was probably a dude also. Hollywood has changed. That was about a dozen years ago. All the money people passed until somebody got Scarlett to agree to show off her full frontal. That’s the magic power of VIP tits right there. Her baby seems really lucky.
By Lex March 14, 2014 @ 12:55 PM
Soon, Scarlett Johansson will be bringing new life into this world with her French boyfriend Jean Valjean or something like that. While most people voted for Scarlett not to get pregnant so they could continue masturbating to her old body, they probably didn’t consider how much bigger her already big tits would get. Just look at her on the red carpet. She almost makes me want to pay $12 to watch Chris Evans try to remember his acting class techniques again. All we can do now is wait for the nude pregnancy photos some hacker kid will rip from her cellphone by June. You know she’s taking them. Who has tits like that and doesn’t feel compelled to keep a photo diary? That’s rhetorical.
Photo Credit: Getty