By Lex June 05, 2014 @ 3:12 PM
If Scarlett Johansson were my Jewish daughter, I’d sit her down and tell her after reportedly banging Benicio Del Toro in an elevator, failing to be married to Ryan Reynolds, and doinking Sean Penn, it’s time to find a nice accountant her own age and settle down. That’s both horrible stereotyping and awesome life advice. Instead, Scarlett went Door #3 and got knocked up by a French journalist who wears leggings in public. I’m not digging through the stats to calculate the success rates of CPA husbands versus unwed baby daddy partnerships with French journalists who wear leggings, but I can’t picture a CPA deciding to ditch cuddle time with Scarlett Johansson because the conflict in the Sudan has caused his dick to become gloomy.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 18, 2014 @ 5:48 PM
Scarlett Johansson is pretty smart. She managed to carefully navigate a response to being called out in Dylan Farrow’s ‘I Got Fondled And Nobody Gives a Shit’ letter as one of the actors who should be ashamed to be working with Woody Allen. Scarlett called upon a politician’s two best friends in her response: casual lying and double speak.
“I’m unaware that there’s been a backlash. I think he’ll continue to know what he knows about the situation, and I’m sure the other people involved have their own experience with it. It’s not like this is somebody that’s been prosecuted and found guilty of something, and you can then go, ‘I don’t support this lifestyle or whatever.’ I mean, it’s all guesswork.”
I find it rather hard to believe that Scarlett isn’t aware of the Woody Allen Diddle-Gate raging through especially New York newspapers and social circles. I guess being a pregnant unmarried working mom doesn’t leave much time for opening a newspaper, turning on the TV, accessing the Internet or talking to another living soul on the phone or in person. However, she is absolutely on the money that Woody will continue to know what he knows and that other people will know what they know. It’s hard to argue that factoid. She did wind it up with little logical nudge that people who don’t know what happened ought to shut the fuck up. Which would be everybody but Woody and Dylan and the creepy death clown who Mia Farrow assured Dylan would slaughter everyone she loved if she didn’t say Daddy bad touched her. There, I broke my own fucking rule.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 17, 2014 @ 8:28 AM
I’m not sure why Scarlett Johansson is so blurry, maybe she’s sad. This movie Under the Skin will likely be as boring as the rest of Scotland, no offense to Scotland, naturally. There are worse things than boring. Look at France. But who’s not going to pay attention to Scarlett Johansson buck naked. She plays an alien seductress who wears a horrible brunette wig and then likes to get nude in very poor lighting to frustrate men masturbating at home. That part may not be adapted straight from the book of the same title. This is one of those movies where some junior in development read a book that just had to be made into a movie and rushed into some executives office and told him that this book just had to be made into a movie and right after one amazing blowjob, he agreed. That’s not sexist because the junior in development was probably a dude also. Hollywood has changed. That was about a dozen years ago. All the money people passed until somebody got Scarlett to agree to show off her full frontal. That’s the magic power of VIP tits right there. Her baby seems really lucky.
By Lex March 14, 2014 @ 12:55 PM
Soon, Scarlett Johansson will be bringing new life into this world with her French boyfriend Jean Valjean or something like that. While most people voted for Scarlett not to get pregnant so they could continue masturbating to her old body, they probably didn’t consider how much bigger her already big tits would get. Just look at her on the red carpet. She almost makes me want to pay $12 to watch Chris Evans try to remember his acting class techniques again. All we can do now is wait for the nude pregnancy photos some hacker kid will rip from her cellphone by June. You know she’s taking them. Who has tits like that and doesn’t feel compelled to keep a photo diary? That’s rhetorical.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis March 04, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Scarlett Johansson is planning to marry her fiancé Romain Dauriac in September, but their family is apparently going to start a few months before then. According to reports, Scarlett is five months pregnant with her first child, and everyone assumes that it’s Romain’s kid because they’re engaged, but who knows if she ran into Benicio Del Toro in any elevators back in November? The actress recently revealed that she plans to give directing a try like most bored artists do when they feel that their acting is being held back by the visions of others, so it will be interesting to see how much time she takes off to be there for her child. There’s a good chance that this child will just be breast fed by a Dominican woman while Scarlett tattoos her baby’s name on the inside of her wrist so she never forgets it during interviews.
Photo Credit: WENN.com
By Lex January 30, 2014 @ 7:43 PM
I didn’t even know Scarlett Johansson was an ambassador. Apparently, she was, and a Global Ambassador to boot, for Oxfam, which is kind of complicated organization to explain, so let’s just call it rich white people trying to save kids from drinking poo water in Bangladesh and other places equally as hellish. When Oxfam has free time from their poo water cleanup projects, they also get into hating on Israel and Western business and people who have good cable TV packages and other Euro-socialist pro forma rants. Even though she’s kind of Jewish, I guess Scarlett really liked the idea of being a Global Ambassador for Oxfam, because that does sound pretty fucking awesome at parties. Also, Sean Penn was only a lightly decorated Oxfam lieutenant so she had something over him when they were boning and he would be going on about how he rescued a desperate family’s cow out of a river in Haiti using just his penis and imagining his nuts as a winch.
Sadly, Scarlett has been forced to resign her Global Ambassadorship because she took dough to be a spokeswoman for SodaStream, that company that turns the cheap and simple process of buying sodas into something annoying and far more complicated. SodaStream is owned by an Israeli company located in the West Bank which has the Palestinians all pissed off even though I guess it’s mostly Palestinians working there. Still when your unemployment rate recently has dropped to a record low 74%, I guess you can be choosy. So Palestinian activist groups speed-dialed Oxfam which then insisted Scarlett choose: SodaStream or them. Scarlett took a quick peek at her fat-ass SodaStream paycheck and decided she didn’t need to kiss any more Congolese babies with dysentery for the time being. Still, I bet she keeps that Ambassadorship on her resume.
Photo credit: Getty Images