By Lex October 16, 2014 @ 1:51 PM
If you’re famous and banking cash because your mom handed you over to Barney’s tiny forearms at a young age, it is your sworn duty to stop the haters. Granted, the haters gonna hate. If nothing else, modern pop music has taught us that. But if you’re making a a few mill by data mining the social media accounts of your fans, you have to call out the ones who refuse to blindly compliment you and ask for a follow. It’s the young celebrity version of volunteering in the community.
Selena Gomez is taking her brave fight against Internet critics by parsing her trolls, demanding the bright light of day be focused upon adults who rip on her online.
It’s grown-ups and I don’t get it. It just baffles me. I wish I could just sit them down and say, ‘What were you doing at 15? What were you doing at 18? What were you doing at 21?’ Because I can guarantee you it’s not half of what I’ve done.
It is true that those of us who flipped burgers and went to school past the age of six have not yet fucked Justin Bieber or made our first ten million. For the record, if I had to choose which half of your accomplishments to duplicate, I’d hope it would be the latter. But why are you attacking us oldies? Don’t you know who pays the credit card bills for the girls who inhale your merch? That’s right. Not me. Other old people. All decrepit and spiteful of your brilliant youth and talent.
Selena Gomez has vowed to refuse to let her non-fans win. That sounds like a pretty noble goal. Not quite the same as curing Ebola or helping college football players find jobs after they leave college with some Criminal Science credits, but noble in its own right.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex October 08, 2014 @ 12:49 PM
Selena Gomez is in some new movie with Bill Macy which means I won’t see it until Amazon Prime tells me everybody’s raving about it in about 2017. Selena Gomez recently told Us Weekly which I’m pretty sure just makes up celebrity quotes that she’s proud to say she earns all her movie roles and insists on auditions. Which is nice of her not just to roll onto the set of Star Wars and say, take a fucking step back everybody, your new Princess Leia is here. Selena constantly calls on a valuable bit of advice she heard from a friend:
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
I guess her friend is Michael Dell. I remember thinking how fucking stupid he sounded when he first said that. I will actively search out groups of low functioning people just to be the smartest person on the room. Then I’ll sell them some alpacas and timeshares in Northern Syria. I’ll convince the good looking women among them I’m a Hollywood producer and have some short lived, but memorable sex. Then I’ll leave them with a fake business card that says my name is Ben Dover and I live in Your Pants. You can’t have that kind of blind success if you’re the dumbest. That smartest person in the room bullshit only makes sense to guys who are already billionaires and young movie stars with nice tits.
Photo Credit: Getty,FameFlynet,AKM-GSI
By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 6:15 AM
Jeff Garlin protested too much while discussing Selena Gomez. He worked with her on The Wizards of Waverly Place when she was a teen and he played her uncle which makes this whole thing creepier:
“I worked with her for three years, and I love her. She is, at least in terms of what I saw, a great kid. But then I see her sexualized. I know she was in ‘Spring Breakers’ and all that. By the way, I saw ‘Spring Breakers,’ and I’m by myself in the theater, and I couldn’t have felt dirtier.”
Just watching a Harmony Korine flick in the theater by yourself qualifies as predatory behavior. He’s the straight John Waters. The entire idea of his movies is to jump out from behind the Dateline screen and yell, aha, you like underaged girls just like me! Garlin got worse in his quest to not admit he wants to bang indeterminately young ass:
“When I see her sexualized, I look at her and I look at Ariana Grande, both beautiful girls. Really beautiful girls. But they have baby fat. They look like kids… by the way when she’s thirty she’ll be ridiculous.”
They are both old enough to be college graduates. Its not weird to want to fuck them. Its weird to watch their movies. That’s how you can tell normal guys from fringe perverts. Any normal guy would bang Gomez for a few weeks. Perverts deny it and then go look up Japanese school girl tarantula insertions. That’s Garlin’s camp. Being fat and jolly gives you a ton of leeway on these matters. Imagine if Gilbert Gottfried said this shit. I’m not sure Garlin should be playing any more uncles.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 10:58 AM
According to over three magazines I leafed through at the checkout stand while watching yet another woman argue for smokes with her EBT card, Selena Gomez is moving in with Justin Bieber. This should put her closer to the action watching her miniature boyfriend sizzurp with his jocular entourage and bang teenage runaways who hate their fathers for good reason. I know nobody listens to their friends when they try to warn them off bad relationships. Still, it must be weird to have your friends and the entire planet’s population imploring you the very same. It’s like the Amityville Horror, except that every single fucking house in the world is telling you to get the fuck out. Outside of some random outliers, everybody eventually gets something close to what they deserve in this life. The misery that will overcome this girl’s face when awareness strikes as she lay beneath this twitchy midget will make Munch’s scream look like a suburban smile. She deserves that.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
Selena Gomez just completed the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct clips in her lesbian training workshop. She went peekaboo with tautly pulled back hair as she and her lesbian mentor took time away from lapping up milk off each other’s hindquarters to visit the Leonard Dicaprio Foundation Gala in St. Tropez. Leo’s charity is set up to “protect Earth’s last wild places and implementing solutions that create a harmonious relationship between humanity and the natural world”. Which I guess implies humans aren’t part of the natural world, or at least not as much as elephants and otters. Either way, it’s nice to see DiCaprio is doing something with his time other than boning models. Though I wouldn’t say that if it was me in his place.
Selena has spent the past several days now on a self-imposed Sapphic quest in the hull of a billionaire’s yacht steaming back and forth across the Riviera as Cara Delevingne and her team of clitoral assassins gay program Selena. It’s like those Christian camps, except the exact opposite. And Kir Royales instead of apple juice. When Selena has completed her work below deck, she’ll return to the U.S. in the guise of a straight celebrity, but she’ll be the lezzy Manchurian Candidate. Ellen Degeneres will run her domestically as she works her way up the Hollywood food chain until such time as she’s fully gay activated. Probably a Grammy’s speech or maybe making out with a chick at the How to Train Your Dragon 5 premiere. The Cold War Russians have nothing on the sinister gamesmanship of the Hollywood lesbian agenda. Hide your children.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:41 AM
I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too.
As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via the Internet, I can tell you this thing always starts with girls jumping off high ledges into the water. It’s a lesbian initiation ritual. Some kind of vagina-on-vagina baptism of giggles and screams. I bet you won’t jump, Selena. I bet you won’t touch my boobs under my bikini. It happens that fast. Next thing you know you’re wearing toe rings and exploring Indigo Girls deep tracks on iTunes. Given that Selena lost her cherry to Justin Bieber, she can really only work her way up the sexual food chain. Scissor kissing young euro models doesn’t seem too horrible. I just hope they’re running tape on this.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet