I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.
After Selena Gomez was apparently fat shamed on Instagram by trolls hired by her public relations team, she decided to speak out on behalf of all the twenty two year old chicks who could maybe lose six ounces:
“IM IN the business and I could care less about what ‘they’ or you said I should look like. I don’t need to do anything other than love myself, take care of my work, fans, family and friends… And I do work out. It’s not your place to tell anyone what they should or should not do.”
You shouldn’t stick your finger in the toaster. That could lead to cancer. Getting saline bagletts implanted into your body with a rusty scalpel still lacks a scientific consensus. Like vitamins or reading the news. I don’t want to be cynical but I think Gomez is capitalizing on the whole body image movement fiasco. I’ll play hard ball. Mexican chicks are like a soft cheese. Delicious and then check the expiration date. This one says 25. The thing about fans is, they’re fickle. Not really inclined to have your back if they can’t touch their fingers around it. I didn’t ask for this card but I’ll play it. Why is your thigh a lego?
When you’re a big photographer deal like Mario Testino, you just say shit like, I’m doing a towel series, and half of Hollywood’s good looking women are clamoring to get naked in your studio. Try that same pitch on Craigslist and see how many girls with natural born vaginas show up to your apartment door. The answer is zero. I also got punched in the face. Selena Gomez is Testino’s seventieth something famous chick to pose in just a towel. It’s not the least bit fresh or creative. That’s why it’s amazing. Fucker.
There’s a new directive for female celebrities posting online. Social statement or get the fuck out. Gender pay gap, rape culture, and body shaming are the trending three right now.Selena Gomez tap danced into body shaming, posting pictures of herself looking in a bikini and declaring:
I love being happy with me yall #theresmoretolove.
Adopting black culture is a shonda, but appropriating BBW culture seems to be cool. There’s more of you to love? You weigh ninety pounds wet. Not soaking wet, just intimately moist, as I imagine you to be when taking selfies of your fine body and pretending you’re a suffragette. Somebody needs to remind the pretty girls that they don’t do student council. They do cheerleading. You start fucking with the natural order and you’re left with chaos. The captain of the football team sleeps with the fat girl on oboe and the earth will go dystopian faster than you can say popular teen novel series. Let’s walk those hashtags back to #BikiniFuckable and we’ll actually be moving forward.
According to Hollywood Life, which somehow always receives the best completely anonymous sources, Selena Gomez is begging her new effeminate boyfriend not to watch the Comedy Central Justin Bieber Roast because of all the nasty sex jokes made at her expense. Zedd, as he’s known in circle jerk parlance, has vowed to honor his lady’s request and support her one-hundred percent. That seems aggressive, but practical. Her vagina alone makes him somewhat queasy. Jokes about her snatch will only send him back to reprogramming camp for another extended session.
Among the other shitty features of the highly staged Comedy Central ratings whoring was the repeated belittling of Selena Gomez who wasn’t even present to defend herself with professionally written comebacks. That’s just poor roast form. Losing your virginity to Justin Bieber ought to be punishment enough for one lifetime. If Charles Manson were fucked by Bieber, I’d petition to let him free too. I stand with Selena. And Zedd. Though slightly closer to Selena in case anybody’s taking incriminating pictures.
Selena Gomez posted a grammatically challenged inspirational spiel to her Instagram account for all the troubled souls who read in pictures. The intention was there but her execution launched past the orange cones and ended up mangled in netting and brain dead in the hospital on the ski slope of life. I think she’s getting through to me:
“God puts us in situations that are so unexplainably difficult for a reason. There is someone in the world feeling so much, just like you. There is someone who will always have it better or have it way worse than you. The point of all of that is for to feel not alone. My point is, your are not alone in this world. People everyday feel so many emotions they wish they could turn it off. But that’s not why we are here. We are here for relationships, for people just like us who feel worthless. Your purpose is to share, help, encourage. Remember that. Please.”
If your self worth is bolstered by a barely legal functioning illiterate you might just want to warm up the engine a few extra minutes. Shut the door you’re letting the heat out. Nobody cares about your philosophical musings. Have some taste next time and cite an Aerosmith ballad. In fact just quote anyone but yourself. Nice tits.