By Lex September 25, 2014 @ 10:58 AM
According to over three magazines I leafed through at the checkout stand while watching yet another woman argue for smokes with her EBT card, Selena Gomez is moving in with Justin Bieber. This should put her closer to the action watching her miniature boyfriend sizzurp with his jocular entourage and bang teenage runaways who hate their fathers for good reason. I know nobody listens to their friends when they try to warn them off bad relationships. Still, it must be weird to have your friends and the entire planet’s population imploring you the very same. It’s like the Amityville Horror, except that every single fucking house in the world is telling you to get the fuck out. Outside of some random outliers, everybody eventually gets something close to what they deserve in this life. The misery that will overcome this girl’s face when awareness strikes as she lay beneath this twitchy midget will make Munch’s scream look like a suburban smile. She deserves that.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
Selena Gomez just completed the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct clips in her lesbian training workshop. She went peekaboo with tautly pulled back hair as she and her lesbian mentor took time away from lapping up milk off each other’s hindquarters to visit the Leonard Dicaprio Foundation Gala in St. Tropez. Leo’s charity is set up to “protect Earth’s last wild places and implementing solutions that create a harmonious relationship between humanity and the natural world”. Which I guess implies humans aren’t part of the natural world, or at least not as much as elephants and otters. Either way, it’s nice to see DiCaprio is doing something with his time other than boning models. Though I wouldn’t say that if it was me in his place.
Selena has spent the past several days now on a self-imposed Sapphic quest in the hull of a billionaire’s yacht steaming back and forth across the Riviera as Cara Delevingne and her team of clitoral assassins gay program Selena. It’s like those Christian camps, except the exact opposite. And Kir Royales instead of apple juice. When Selena has completed her work below deck, she’ll return to the U.S. in the guise of a straight celebrity, but she’ll be the lezzy Manchurian Candidate. Ellen Degeneres will run her domestically as she works her way up the Hollywood food chain until such time as she’s fully gay activated. Probably a Grammy’s speech or maybe making out with a chick at the How to Train Your Dragon 5 premiere. The Cold War Russians have nothing on the sinister gamesmanship of the Hollywood lesbian agenda. Hide your children.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:41 AM
I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too.
As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via the Internet, I can tell you this thing always starts with girls jumping off high ledges into the water. It’s a lesbian initiation ritual. Some kind of vagina-on-vagina baptism of giggles and screams. I bet you won’t jump, Selena. I bet you won’t touch my boobs under my bikini. It happens that fast. Next thing you know you’re wearing toe rings and exploring Indigo Girls deep tracks on iTunes. Given that Selena lost her cherry to Justin Bieber, she can really only work her way up the sexual food chain. Scissor kissing young euro models doesn’t seem too horrible. I just hope they’re running tape on this.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
Lesbians are the new revenge fuck. It used to be when a girl wanted to drive home a point with her cheating ex, she’d fuck some handsome tool or maybe even her ex’s buddy if she had a bit of sinister in her. Now it’s lesbian thunkenmunchers. It’s the indisputable implication that you’re getting what he could never give you. Michelle Rodriguez or one of her scissor kissing coven like Cara Delevingne are always up for a game of I ruined your girlfriend. All you need is a yacht, some champagne, and a broken heart. Crank up the Tegan & Sara and set a course for adventure!
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:43 AM
Selena Gomez perfectly captured her generation’s mantra in a new tattoo, which reads Love Yourself First. It was translated from an Arabic phrase, because translating common phrases from a foreign language is a good way to make idiotic tattoos seem exotic. Tats also serve to advertise your global spirituality while not requiring you to actually read a book or even a lengthy pamphlet. Being a Muslim seems cool but I’m not fucking reading the Quran when I still have three more Harry Potter books to go.
I was curious as to who Gomez considered the star of her solar system ever since her new porn star tits blocked the pop ups on my web browser. I remember the golden rule about loving others like you want them to love you. This Love Yourself First axiom is just a slight celebrity twist on that old standard. Though it’s also possible it was incorrectly translated from Arabic and the phrase is actually supposed to read, Death to Israel, Falafel half price before 5pm. Yeah, that was kind of racist
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 11:43 AM
I can’t tell if she had implants or the elasticity of her top is making her commando boobs look bigger than before, but it seems pretty fucking haute couture to me. For those who don’t speak the romance languages, Haute couture is French for I show my tits off at parties you’re not invited to.
Selena had a broken-hearted girl collapse on social media this week apparently related to seeing her mini-Svengali spanking skanks on his Fourth of July booze cruise. She started posting sad videos of herself playing piano and posting photos of desolate landscapes with hopelessly emo captions:
Always said I was going to end up there, but I guess that’s where it was meant to end.
Holy Hello Kitty diary nonsense. I wish I spoke wallowing girl so I could translate that. The lesson here is even seemingly successful women make bad choices in men and it ruins them forever. That’s the lesson I’m taking away at least, you’re welcome to find your own. I bet mine goes over better at the angry women’s annual luncheon.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI