Selena Gomez Just Can’t Quit Her Little Man

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:23 PM

Selena Gomez Makes A Late Night Visit To Justin Bieber In Miami
Proving that absolutely all rehab is a waste of time, Selena Gomez completely forsook her Bad Boys and Bad Habits rehab lessons from January and has fled back to be with her tiny Canadian Svengali. I don’t know at what age girls stop running to the boy that everybody tells them is a lesbian midget horror show. Apparently Selena still has some daddy demons left to exorcise. Back in the day you could count on annoying rock and roll drug fueled relationships to end in a Sid and Nancy quick burial. But now these choreographed midgets are drinking cough syrup and soda and smoking salvia and other things that simply won’t kill you quickly enough to make you interesting. Wake me when there’s a suicide.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Selena Gomez Got Served

By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 4:37 PM

Selena Gomez In Daisy Dukes Gets Served Court Papers Out In Los Angeles
Fresh off a speech to the children of Oakland about sticking to your dreams and not drinking so much champagne with your Xanax to battle your molested child actor demons, Selena Gomez got served papers by a fat woman who was stalking her outside a convenience store. That sucks when you’re just trying to get your Slim Jim on and a multi-jowled agent for service of process slaps you with a subpoena. It’s believed the appearance order relates to one of the Justin Bieber little man rage on paparrazi cases pending. Probably the one back a couple years ago when Justin launched his purple mid-top at a photographer outside a mall where he was hanging with Selena at the time. Nobody believes that the paparazzo really got hurt, but a karate kicked purple shoe is still a heinous act that will probably run him about $200K if I had to put my guestimating beanie on. Selena Gomez was there at the scene urging Justin to restrain his gamma radiation rage. Selena was the lookout who noticed all the photographers taking angry Justin’s picture and probably foresaw that in two years time she’d be coming out of a convenience store only to be set upon by a fat woman with a subpoena. Prescient. And some nice looking legs too.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Selena Gomez Has Healed Herself

By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 1:27 PM

Selena Gomez Shows Off Toned Stomach At An Adidas NEO Photo Shoot In New York
Selena Gomez didn’t need no rehab. Just look at her stomach. She’s all better. The drinking and drugs and being addicted to loving that evil walking scrote from Canada are secondary issues compared to getting her abs tight. If Adidas says she’s good enough to sell their shoes, then she’s healthy enough for me.

Photo Credit: Splash

Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Having The Sex Again (VIDEO)

By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Now that he’s done showing all the lawyers and Katie Courics out there that he doesn’t have time for their questions as he looks to further detriment his career, Justin Bieber is letting the rest of the world know that Selena Gomez is his one and only. While he’s since deleted the video, Justin posted this clip of him and Selena practicing a very sensual dance routine on Instagram, and these two just seem to be made for each other. In fact, if we could place them inside their own vault and sink it to the bottom of the ocean, they could live happily ever after with each other for the rest of their lives. Of course, the vault would probably break and open up as they descended through a school of starving sharks, and that would just be unfortunate. But at least they’d still be in love.

Don’t Ask Justin Bieber About Selena Gomez

By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Whiny jail pisser and douchebag dad enabler Justin Bieber had to sit in a deposition in Miami yesterday for 4 ½ hours, relating not to the drag racing and alleged drunk driving incident but the time that he allegedly ordered his bodyguard to attack a photographer last June. The lawyer for the paparazzi seemed like he was trying to intentionally push Bieber’s buttons to make him act like a total shithead, as TMZ reported that it totally worked. After asking about his relationship with Selena Gomez several times and whether or not she was there when the photographer was attacked, Bieber and his lawyer stood up and walked out of the room while Canada’s Mighty Mouse shouted, “Don’t ask me about her!”

After they returned from a syzzurp session in the Bieb’s SUV, the singer acted like an even bigger hardass, arguing the difference between “Yeah” and “Yes” and by calling the opposing lawyer Katie Couric after he asked another question. The good news out of all of this is that the writers for Franklin and Bash have at least two episodes of fresh material for next season.

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez Still Looks Pretty Bummed

By Travis February 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Selena Gomez cut her Justin Bieber addiction rehab short so she could go promote a movie that nobody has heard of at Sundance, but yesterday she looked like she could really use a few more months of therapy. This girl is 21 years old, so she shouldn’t be moping around like a 45-year old divorcee over the pinkie-sized cock of her shirtless ex-boyfriend, who has more homoerotic moments with his boys than a professional wrestling show. But here she is wearing your single aunt’s pantsuit while drinking a large soda from Taco Bell, and looking like she’s another dick pic text message away from going full Taylor Swift on us. She needs to bounce back and forget about Justin already, and the best possible way to do that is by joining Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne for a night of heavy drinking. Just see where it goes and take plenty of pictures.

Photo Credits: WENN.com