Taylor Swift Doesn’t Want Her Friends To Be Happy

By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 5:28 PM

Taylor Swift didn’t like when her girl buddy Selena Gomez embraced Justin Bieber in a kiss after the Billboard Awards, so she did what any bitchy jealous girlfriend would do. She stuck her tongue out in disgust. Wow, who to root for in a cat fight between Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. There’s the proverbial meteor to root for, but that never seems to materialize. I’d rather see them duke it out. Taylor has the height, weight, strength, and moxie advantage, while Bieber has runaway speed and a strong belief that Jesus walks beside him, well, a few paces back. I’d call it even. I’d love to see it get bloody. Slow internal bleeding where we get to watch waves of sobbing self-realization overcome them as the lifeforce drains from their bodies. But, that’s just the dream. I’d settle for the meteor.

Tags: justin bieber, selena gomez, taylor swift |

4 Comments

Selena Gomez In A Bikini

By Lex May 13, 2013 @ 3:10 PM

Personally, I could care less about the sexual past of a current girlfriend. Unless it involved animals or dead people or some dude I work with who’s going to give me stupid looks and snickers without me knowing why, I pretty much consider it buried past. Not like I want my girlfriend combing through my sadly abrupt list of conquests and asking if ‘Chris’ is a guy or a girl and why the middle name on my list looks just like my second cousin’s. But this Justin Bieber thing. That’s a taint. Not like the space between the cracks taint, like a taint on the resume that’s hard to ignore. You could be quite mid-enjoying yourself with your girl Selena when the cognitive neurons misfire and… BLAMMO!

Your day is done early. Go hit the showers, friend.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

12 photos in gallery >

Tags: selena gomez |

5 Comments

Selena Gomez Just Couldn’t Resist The Swag

By Travis April 19, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

It could be a coincidence that Selena Gomez flew to Norway on the same day that her ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber was performing in concert, much like it could be a coincidence that Kate Upton’s tits jiggle every time someone points a camera at her. But there’s a pretty good chance that Selena is there because she’s back in the Bieber-banging business, and that’s sad because she was finally starting to look pretty hot in a “maybe this girl isn’t an idiot” kind of way.

Instead, TMZ reported that Selena has been torturing the Biebs, which sounds great at first until we realize that it’s only figurative and she’s just been giving him swaggy blue balls as punishment for being a douchebag and cheating on her. It’s also a good business move by Selena, though, whose own concert tour begins later this year in Canada, so there’s a good chance that she just needs him to sell tickets and hold her purse.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Tags: justin bieber, selena gomez |

1 Comment

Selena Gomez Wears Bindi, Pisses Off 800 Million Hindus

By Jack April 16, 2013 @ 3:11 PM

DSILF, (Disney Star I’d Like To Fuck), Selena Gomez managed to simultaneously sing her shitty song Come ‘n’ Get It and piss off one of the world’s oldest religions when she wore a Hindu bindi during her MTV Movie Awards performance. The singer, who is Latino, wore a red beaded bindi in the middle of her forehead as she gyrated to the crappy beats. The bindi is an ancient Hindu symbol that represents the third eye and is worn by hundreds of millions of Hindus. This is just another classic case of Hollywood grubbers appropriating someone else’s culture to look exotic and cool. Cosplay is cosplay and who doesn’t love a girl dressed up like Sailor Moon or a furry aardvark thing, But dressing up in the garb of another religion for style points is pretty lame.

Stick to your own faith, ladies. Just keep suckling at the teet of that golden calf until your teeth rot out of your empty skulls.

Tags: 2013 mtv movie awards, bindi, selena gomez |

No Comments

For Selena Gomez, Shame Abides

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 11:56 AM

The pleasure of taking an angry self-indulged Canadian midget into your castle keep may only last for but a few seconds, but the shame face lingers on indefinitely. Look to the horizon, Selena. You’ll get past this.

Photo Credit: PCN

11 photos in gallery >

Tags: selena gomez |

3 Comments

Kids Are Incredibly Stupid

By Travis March 25, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

To be fair to children in general, a better headline might be “Award Shows Are Incredibly Stupid”, but since the Kids Choice Awards took place in Los Angeles on Saturday, we’ll stick to making fun of the little morons for now. Hosted by actor Josh Duhamel, who got the job after finishing third in a Timothy Olyphant lookalike contest, this year’s Kids Choice Awards honored a number of people who were willing to show up, including Katy Perry’s breasts and One Direction.

But the big winner of the night was Kristen Stewart, who was named Favorite Movie Actress for her breathtaking performance as a girl who looks confused in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Thank God It’s Over.

Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris were likewise drenched in the green goo while presenting the award for favorite movie actress. Winner Kristen Stewart, recognized for her role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2,” joined in by hugging Bullock, getting messy in the process. Stewart also won the prize for favorite female buttkicker for her role in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”

Other film winners included Johnny Depp, who attended but was not slimed, as favorite movie actor for “Dark Shadows.” Favorite movie went to “The Hunger Games,” with “Wreck-It Ralph” winning favorite animated movie. Favorite voice from an animated movie went to Adam Sandler for “Hotel Transylvania,” and Dwayne Johnson won favorite male buttkicker for “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.” (L.A. Times)

Of course Johnny Depp didn’t get slimed. God forbid someone get some sticky goo on his bitchin’ leather bracelets. But it’s great that Depp’s performance in the PG-13 Dark Shadows was honored by children in 22 countries, as there wasn’t a middle school cafeteria that wasn’t buzzing over that movie last year. “Hey, did you see Dark Shadows,” the cool kids would ask, adding, “My bad, I forgot you were giving birth.”

(Photo Credits: Getty)