12.30.2009 the top 100 stories of 2009 (51-100)

All the dumb websites and magazines and TV shows do lists at the end of the year, counting down and ranking everything you can imagine, and they’re all subjective and poorly thought out and painful to read. But nothing else is going on this time of year, and so here we go.

100. JASMINE FIORE WAS MURDERED - by her husband, who was a contestant on the VH1 show ‘Megan Wants a Millionaire’. He pulled out her teeth, cut off her fingers and threw her body in a dumpster. So at least he wasn’t a litterbug. (August 15th)

99. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED - This one should probably be higher on the list but fuck that dude. He was a pedophile and his music sucked. Good riddance weirdo. (June 25th)

98. SUSAN BOYLE IS AN OVERNIGHT STAR - Does it bother anyone that she can’t really sing? After the first 5 lines on her famous ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ appearance her voice completely went to hell. What do you, got asthma or somethin? (April 11th)

97. LINDSAY LOHAN SUCKS - The reviews for the debut of her fashion line could have been worse, but only if they included a bunch of racist name calling for some reason. (October 4th)

96. BRITNEY SPEARS IS STACKED - Britney wore a see-thru t-shirt while in Australia for her ‘Circus’ tour. It maybe wasn’t as newsworthy as Michael Jackson dying, but what can I say, I just really love looking at girls’ tits. (November 5th)

22 photos in gallery >

05.26.2009 afternoon headlines

ZAC EFRON - is considering breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens because he’s being told, “When people see them together, they think of their characters.” As in from “High School Musical”. Another way to change his image would be to rant about how the Jews control the banks. They do, you know. I’ve got some stuff you should read. (source = star magazine)

LILY ALLEN - says that “Britain’s Got Talent” sensation Susan Boyle is overrated, and that 12-year-old Shaheen Jarfagholi should win (relevant videos over here). More importantly, how come we’re stuck with Paula Abdul and they get hot-ass Amanda Holden. Every time I see Amanda I wanna punch Paula. I’d rather “Idol” switch to footage from a truck stop toilet than go to Paula after every song. (source = daily mail)

SHAUNA SAND - for the second time today, the “star” of a set of pictures from Miami Beach has been overshadowed (this time by the random topless chick) but if you need to describe these Shauna pics to a coworker, stumble back and point at the monitor and say, “OHMY FUCKINGGOD WHATISTHAT?!” (source = mavrix and splash. jump to hq here)