By Matt January 22, 2015 @ 7:07 AM
Tara Reid occupies an interesting space in the male psyche. You remember her fondly from those American Pie films yet she’s done a ton of weird shit to her body and now has a creepy cruise ship chick vibe. Curiously her face still looks the same and this poses another series of questions: Would she be your Dream Weaver if she didn’t have a catheter sticking out of her navel? Do you throw the baby out with the bathwater? Given the opportunity would you date her or just bang her for a period of a few weeks to up your self esteem? During this fling would you bring her around your friends or sneak up to her condo for 2 a.m. trysts? Would you keep the lights on or attempt to dim them strategically so as to obscure any scars or sutures?
At this point in her life I’ve relegated Reid firmly to a category called Vacation Hot. If you’re barhopping in Palm Springs for the weekend she’s an ideal snag. You’re liquored up anyway and not having breakfast. A little hot tub, some hanky panky, and man, the guys and me have to hit the road. Sure it’s awkward when you see her at the bar the following night but you’re both knee deep in your next anonymous suck fest so shrug it off. A few months from then your friend will say “What was that one chick’s name again?” Uh. Tara. That’s it. Wasn’t she the chick from American Pie?
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 09, 2015 @ 9:44 AM
WWTDD offers Michelle Obama $100 million to her favorite crappy lunch food for kids charity if she’ll have donkey sex on camera. Donkey need not be house trained. See how that works. Porn companies figured out five years ago if they offered large quantities of cash to public figures to have sex on camera they could get tons of free publicity. TMZ typically obliges them with a story.
GameLink.com, there, more free pub, is in the business of getting gamers to errantly visit their site and end up spending their mother’s entire credit card limit on chicks boning each with whiffle ball bats on camera. Which if it wasn’t expensive, I’d probably do too. They issued a press release offering Tara Reid one million dollars to have live sex on their site. You could pick the entire celebrity world and you went for the almost 40-year old with the botched plastic surgery and booze aging? Well played, sirs. To be fair, I suppose you did select at the credible level. She might just say yes. Then you’ll be truly fucked. And so will Tara. I’ll watch if there’s nothing better on.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 05, 2015 @ 9:22 AM
I’m compelled to applaud Tara Reid with more than just the fake clap I give junior family members when I’m forced to sit through ballets and Christmas pageants. Nobody in my lineage has the grace of Tara Reid who at thirty-nine is still expressing her attention seeking drunken teen and posting blurry photos of herself with her hands on her sticky parts. Every Arby’s employee spends their break time differently. As long as she’s not spitting in the food, the manual says you’re good.
By Lex December 31, 2014 @ 11:59 AM
Not enough people look toward the sun for complementary radiation treatments. You get enough high frequency gamma rays and it is possible to neutralize the bugs in your blood stream conventional science says can’t be combatted. I read this in a travel brochure for Oaxaca. Free radiation and the opportunity to join the ground floor of some growing drug cartels if you’e decent with a hatchet. Tara Reid is almost complete with her round of treatments. Just the virulent Hep C remains. Her derma will resemble a brittle charcoal when finally declared clean. But skin is overrated. Beauty is on the inside.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:58 AM
I don’t wish death on anybody. That’s some necromancer karma you don’t want bouncing back. But I do gamble on it. Tara Reid has been eating up space in my 2014 celebrity death pool since January 1. The Sharknado resurrection seemed a setback, but seeing Tara exit the plane in Australia I’ve started easing into my winnings. Tara’s traveled to Australia presumably to trek out into the Outback until kangaroos feast on her desiccated carcass. It’s a Circle of Life ending her agent convinced her was her best career option. After a few weeks of tribute songs, Jedward will Segway along her path of Wasabi peas and retrieve her sun bleached remains. Something to display at the Turnpike Rest Area to be named in her honor.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex November 03, 2014 @ 8:59 AM
Nobody gets deeper into Halloween character than Tara Reid. Reid’s get up of toasted Tara Reid tasting pavement was spot on. She’s worked this costume out before to similar effect. The real trick is convincing a friend to play the role of supportive bestie. It’s exhausting working alongside genius.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI