I’m not sure who’s been punching Tara Reid in the stomach, but that shit’s got to stop. She’s a lady. If Apollo had seen Rocky busting up Tara’s gut, he would’ve arranged a last minute change of challengers. Still, there’s something to be said for Tara’s accomplishment of remaining upright against a 5mph coastal headwind. Plus, you can’t even see her vagina so I assume she’s taking her mom’s advice to check her crotch in the mirror before she walks out the door. I’m going to go ahead and call this a comeback for Tara Reid.
You can’t get much more lowest common denominator than having Tara Reid host your Halloween Party. That’s when you know the first five hundred girls on your list were previously booked, the last being Tanning Mom hosting a Halloween party at a Newark areas Taco Bell where every Halloween they let you tour the kitchen. Tara Reid doesn’t even get drunk and fall down anymore and unless you’re gazing at her recent medical testing reports, she’s not the least bit spooky. Where’s Michael Myers when you need him?
Tara Reid is a 37-year old with a history of hard partying, so obviously her best days are behind her and we’ve definitely seen some of her worst days already. But when she showed up to the Legends Beyond event in Beverly Hills last night with her boyfriend (not pictured because who cares?) she actually looked like a respectable, attractive actress again. And when all it takes for us to think that you look respectable is for you to stand up straight and not let your tit fall out of your dress on the red carpet, you know that you’ve really hit your plateau in life.
Tara Reid is dumber than a bag of mentally challenged hammers. She appeared on Shark After-Dark, (which is part of the whole Shark Week thing), on The Discovery Channel with her fellow Sharknado co-star Ian Ziering. She told the host that she did some research on sharks before making the absurd movie about sharks falling from the sky because she didn’t want to sound “stupid”. She then launches into the dumbest most incoherent verbal diarrhea I’ve heard in a while. This ramble is a new level of celebrity stupid. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if she can’t go to the bathroom by herself or cut her own meat stupid. Here is just a tidbit:
“So I look up sharks on the Internet and I see whale sharks. And I’m like it must mean a whale and a shark had sex. And then I think, well how does a whale and shark have sex? … Because whales are mammals, and sharks are animals. They have nothing to do with each other.”
Yup. She said that. Watch the rest and weep for the fact that someday soon she’s going to announce she’s making offspring.
The biggest mistake people make in life is confusing luck with skill. The good corporate folks at SyFy loved the social media attention they got for Sharknado so they decided to air the campy movie in 200 theaters around the country over the weekend. Despite misconstruers of fact like Deadline.com reporting Sharknado in theaters as a big success, the Hollywood Reporter suggested that the film did less than $1000 per screen or about 80 drunk dudes per theater yelling ‘Sharknado!’ and talking about how all the hot girls in town are angry lesbians. Let it go, Sharknado machine. You’re the Cee Lo Green of movies. Disappear for five years, pack on 120 pounds, and come back with a second hit.
Here’s Tara Reid showing off her tits at the Sharknado theatrical premiere. They won’t be in the already announced sequel. So, set your DVR and count the minutes until you don’t see her boobs again.
Production for Sharknado 2 will be underway soon without Tara Reid. The former star will not be rejoining the cast of the movie where sharks fall from the skies even though Ian Ziering will return as hero Finley ‘Fin’ Shepherd. This in spite of the fact that Tara’s character survived the massive shark attack. In the original Sharknado Reid played Ziering’s estranged wife and a lot of the movie is spent trying to reunite them through all the badly rendered CGI sharky action. No specific reason was given for Tara not being asked back for Sharknado 2. But, it’s certainly a slap in the face.
I can’t imagine a clearer sign that it’s time to call it quits than when the sequel to Sharknado doesn’t want you. That’s pretty fucking bad. I mean, it’s one thing when real movies with plots and distribution deals don’t want to risk you ruining their productions, but Sharknado 2? That’s bad. Real bad. Maybe it’s time to apply to Starbucks, Tara. No, not the one in the fancy mall, that one that opened up in the janky part of town as a deal to appease the city council.