By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 12:29 PM
Every time I see a picture of another model Leonardo Dicaprio is nailing, I get a little more jealous. I try not to, but that green-eyed monster is a bitch. Jealousy I mean, not this buck toothed Teuton. I want to Freaky Friday myself into Leo’s body for one evening of foreign model plundering. My story of winning the knock-off iPhone in the claw machine game at Fuddruckers has grown stale. I need another big win. C’mon, Olympus, Shazam me.
Photo Credit: Agua De Coco Beachwear
By Lex July 29, 2014 @ 3:20 PM
Leonardo DiCaprio is not a man with a ton of time to waste. If you discount clubbing, karate kicking, and deep musing, he’s a very busy guy who medically requires sex five times a day with somebody with a modeling card in Frankfurt and Milan. Clothes take time to remove. Fancy model clothes take even more time. Then there’s that whole bit about wrinkling them or how it’s impossible to get horse pee out of silk. Total bother even for the man with nothing but time. Leo has no time. It’s best you just wait for him on the boat with as little as you can wear without being arrested by Interpol. You know who liked to wear clothes? Bar Refaeli. Now she’s running homing beacons into Hamas apartments. Anything more than a thong bottom and you can swim back to shore. DiCaprio, out.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 2:52 PM
Leonardo DiCaprio kicked off his Leo Rescues Mother Nature Foundation in St. Tropez by amassing a large collection of hot models and Hollywood douchebags and raising a cool $25 million to save cheetahs and poison oak. Leo riled up the $50K a plate crowd with fierce rhetoric and the intelligence of three men:
There has never been, since the time of dinosaurs, as many plant and animal species disappearing so quickly … We must make efforts to protect rich biodiversity.
Then the rich bio-diverse guests bid millions of dollars on things like Bono’s guitar, appearing in Leo’s next movie, and being the guy to give Tom Cruise’s next wife a baby. After the Euros were all counted and the world tucked safely into bed, Leo returned to his yacht to karate kick the shit out of stuff then make tender love to his 22-year old model girlfriend. There’s just no stopping Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s like the perpetual motion drinking bird, only that’s not his beak, that’s his cock and that cup of water is the universe to infinity.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 01, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
First, George Clooney finally decided to settle down and get married for a second time to lawyer Amal Alamuddin, who doesn’t look anything like the women he has typically dated, but played hard to get enough to make him slap a ring the size of the moon on her finger. And now, according to In Touch, Leonardo DiCaprio has decided to stop sleeping with every 19-year old model on the face of the planet and focus on sleeping with his 21-year old Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend Toni Garrn, who looks exactly like every woman that he’s ever dated, and has reportedly moved into the actor’s new $8 million New York City apartment. It’s important to point out that Leo bought the place on his own, which means that when Toni comes home one day in the near future and finds all of her stuff on the sidewalk while Bregje Heinen is moving in, she shouldn’t even pretend to act shocked.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 2:41 PM
I’ve had to fight the Leonardo Dicaprio is gay meme that every guy who can’t come to grips with how many supermodels Dicaprio bangs employs to salvage their own pride. It’s not been easy. This latest 21-year old German model Toni Garrn might take the cake. I don’t think she even speaks English. Which makes her perfect. She doesn’t like bikini tops, which is nearly as good as not understanding a single word she says. Fucking Leo.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex August 09, 2013 @ 6:27 PM
Leonardo DiCaprio has a new supermodel girlfriend. He goes through them really fast. Some people say his inability to maintain a relationship with women means he has issues making emotional connections with others. Some people have even speculated that this constant public display of model girlfriends is a cover for the fact the Leonardo DiCaprio is actually gay. I choose to go with the most obvious explanation — he is trying bang the shit out of as many super hot women as possible. You know, like you and I would if we were handed the magic pussy scepter.
Here’s Toni Garrn. She models for Calvin Klein, who is not currently banging any hot women.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash