KIRSTIE ALLEY HAS THE ANSWERS

Scientology was wise to make Kristie Alley one of the prominent faces of their fakey religion, because whenever you see her, you think to yourself, “I should do what Kristie Alley does”.  She’s so sexy, I can barely even contain myself.  Especially her hands.  I think she may have discovered the fountain of youth.  Here’s her secret, according to today’s Page Six:

Alley, listed as a founding member of Scientology’s “Super Power Expansion Project,” gushes about its Florida summit last summer: “I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of ‘mankind’ — it really irritated me!” Alley continues: “Then I realized why mankind upset me so much — it’s because I wasn’t taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I’ve made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I’m going to help this group and help this planet, and it’s real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this.”

When you’ve put on 800 pounds in the past ten years, you probably shouldn’t create a club called the “Super Power Expansion Project”.  Yeah, we get it, you’re fat.  When asked for a comment, the Amazing Eat A Box of Donuts Society and the Spectacular Disappearing Ham Foundation said they thought her club name just came off as bragging.

(and if you’re wondering what her sign says, it says this.  all pictures courtesy of getty images)