If you’re like me, you woke up this morning on a bed of money and a pile of many beautiful ladies. More to the point, you’ve spent the last 4 days blissfully ignorant to any stupid pop-culture gossip stuff. That’s why you and I are both super cool and super amazed at how cool this Tiger Woods thing is.
It all began Thanksgiving day with a National Enquirer story that claimed he was cheating on his hot Swedish wife Elin Nordegren with a New York party girl named Rachel Uchitel. Uchitel also allegedly had an affair with David Boreanaz while his wife, former Playmate Jamie Bergman, was pregnant.
According to some, Elin heard all this and attacked Tiger with a golf club in a move marked by her choice of weapon and it’s “back from whence you came” type irony.
As Tiger hauled ass out of there, Elin kept pace and smashed his Escalade repeatedly with the golf club. This caused him to lose control and crash into his neighbors mailbox and a tree on the front lawn (more here). When asked for a comment, the mailbox said, “Ow.”
Tiger has somehow managed to avoid a police investigation so far, but yesterday he did post a gushing love letter to his wife on his website denying any affair and condemning any notion that his wife beats his ass.
He seems to take full responsibility, but I’ve watched that smart guy on ‘Criminal Minds’ enough to know a pattern and cry for help when I see one. If you take the opening of his statement (“I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore”) and play it backwards, you get, “eros ytterp mI won thgir dna gnisiurb stuc emos evah I.”
Look closer and you see, “Eros … mi won … thgir dna … stuc … evah I.”
Eros. Me won. Tiger DNA. Stuck, ever I.
Tiger, with Elin no doubt peering over his shoulder, is professing his love for Uchitel. He’s saying Eros, the Greek god of sex and beauty, has blessed him with a new love but because of DNA, that is to say his child with Elin, he’s “stuck for ever” in a loveless relationship and abusive marriage.
Tiger is making a fool out of Elin, and what she should do now is get another golf club and flail away wildly. It would serve her revenge, a revenge she’s earned as he continues to disrespect and humiliate her, but more importantly it would keep this story going. That’s extremely important right now, because it’s always fantastic when rich famous people get all ghetto like the white trash you see covered in flour and hiding in a couch on ‘COPS’.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Bella wins!
33 yrs old, net worth = $1Billion….you can never have enough women and booze, just sayin.
So he married a good looking crazy bitch. Thems the breaks sporto
Do I need to read this, or did he admit that he was drunk?
“back from whence you came” type irony.
….are we talking “5 irony” here…..or “9 irony”?
Bella you just had to bring it up
Ok, I read it. I think he would have been better off if he was drunk.
There’s no pussy worth 1/2 billion dollars, right?
Rokan…..
………I don’t think he was drunk so much as doing “Feets….do yo duty”
RemSteale…….
….very funny……thanks…..
Tiger, it’s 100 yards. Why drive? Use a wedge!
OJ did it
Its a black guy who wears gloves. He must be innocent
RedRage……
…..very funny……
Just one glove Rem. Think he’s a kid fucker too?
if i couldve been a fly on the wall for that shit, oh hell yes.
i love it when fine ass bitches get all “Waiting To Exhale” on some dumb motherfucker that’s been 2-putting instead of just driving 1 long.
You have more money than I can comprehend and a Swedish supermodel to suck your cock to sleep every night.
Penile logic. Dicks hooked on phonics.
Elin is gonna be the real winner here RR…..in the high-stakes divorce lottery
Tiger shoulda had her declawed….
Hmmm, so does one glove mean you are guilty (and possibly fiddle with little boys) whilst two gloves mean you can get away with murder??
I sense an expensive and completely unecessary study coming….
Hi Bella.
She won’t divorce him any quicker than Kobe’s wife did, and that was way worse.
Bitches know who butters their bread after all.
Bella, divorce is no lottery. If you have a penis, you lose.
But really, how long until the magic wears off and he realized that he’s banging Jesper Parnevik’s maid? The other chick was a party planner!! party planner > maid.