monday afternoon headlines

By brendon June 21, 2010 @ 7:04 PM


PAGET BREWSTER – is the best comedic actress in Hollywood (and she does amazing impressions of black people), so I’m selfishly happy that CBS is run by fumbling idiots who plan on essentially firing the entire female cast of ‘Criminal Minds’, despite the overwhelming objections (1, 2) from the shows fans (“the fans can suck my dick”, replied CBS while pointing at its crotch). Hopefully now she’ll go back to comedy. I also like it when disaster strikes and I can buy stocks like BP real cheap. I’m all about me! It’s time to start looking out for number 1, baby! (jezebel)

ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – are engaged. If they start a family the kids would be like someone genetically engineered a human being solely for me to be completely, 100 percent indifferent to. (la times)

HOW TO GROW BUD – has pictures of girls in bikinis getting high. I don’t personally smoke, but I do like telling the government to go fuck themselves, and I do like girls who are mostly naked and easily talked into things. This is a great website. (htgb)

DAVE BATISTA - is this guy, and he may or may not be following Brock Lesnar and going from WWE to MMA. TMZ says he is but the promotion he allegedly signed with says it’s not true. I don’t know what this has to do with celebrity gossip btw, but I’m the only one who works here, and I gotta post somethin. Tomorrow be sure to check out my recipe for Raisin Roundies! My secret is a pinch of cinnamon! (mma frenzy)

ANGELINA JOLIE - is in Haiti today as part of her UN tour, but you’ll have to take Es word for it because this picture isn’t labeled. Where’s Angie, which one is Angie? E! needs to get their shit together. (e!)

SALMA HAYEK – will be on Letterman tonight, where she’ll discuss married life, her baby, and upcoming projects while Dave pretends not to stare at her tits. (splash)


(34) Comments

  1. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 19:09

    Now this is my fist, fist

  2. avatar
    LingLing 06/21/2010 19:09

    In before Salaj, that motherfucker.

  3. avatar
    LingLing 06/21/2010 19:11

    A is for asshole. /b/ is for wtf?

  4. avatar
    SALAJ 06/21/2010 19:11

    My friend told me a nice place . He said it’s a place where successful men and women reside in the hopes of finding love.

  5. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 19:16

    Ling sweet mustache

  6. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 19:19

    Why does it say there are four comments when there are actually 5?

  7. avatar
    monica 06/21/2010 19:19

    My friend recommend me an hot site http://www.Seekwealthy.comIf you have worked hard for your Millionaire status and want to meet people of the same class, if you want to enjoy a millionaire lifestyle, you may join it.

  8. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 19:21

    god damnit now it’s just me and salaj and monica. Hey you guys wanna have a 3 way? we can keep it just between us. Okay Monica you start. Well don’t just stare at it, EAT IT!

  9. avatar
    monica 06/21/2010 19:25

    My friend recommend me an hot site If you have worked hard for your Millionaire status and want to meet people of the same class, if you want to enjoy a millionaire lifestyle, you may join it.

  10. avatar
    CrappyCar 06/21/2010 19:27

    Fsuck the police

  11. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 19:27

    is that a yes monica?

  12. avatar
    MrAdams 06/21/2010 19:30

    Aw c’mon! You know David Letterman is usually staring at Paul Schaeffer’s tits. Besides, Salma Hayek doesn’t work for Dave, so his usual pick-up line, “Fuck me or you’re so fired!”, won’t work.

  13. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 19:32

    I thought it was “SHOW ME YOUR BUTTHOLE BITCH, or your fired”

  14. avatar
    MrAdams 06/21/2010 19:38

    That’d work, too. I may have been misinformed.

  15. avatar
    duckbutter 06/21/2010 20:06

    I bet Selma Hayek is one hairy bitch

  16. avatar
    Woodsman 06/21/2010 22:22

    …. hmmm:

  17. avatar
    minimosh 06/21/2010 22:47

    she probably spent some monies on laser hair removal, duck. duh.

  18. avatar
    teutonic 06/21/2010 23:18

    This CBS policy will render Criminal Minds about as chick friendly as The Hills Have Eyes.
    More Paget, and by more I mean where are her tits in this post?

  19. avatar
    marrybangkill 06/21/2010 23:25

    Dina Lohan, Octomom, Kate Gosselin – vote!

    If it were easy, everyone would do it.

  20. avatar
    minimosh 06/21/2010 23:51

    woman, where are you?

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