afternoon headlines

CHARLIE SHEEN – will be doing rehab, ahem, from his house. Because he doesn’t want any embarrassing details coming out about his private life. Remember this as you read the very next sentence. (tmz)

KACEY JORDAN – has yet another new interview talking about sex with Charlie Sheen, aaanndd it would almost be over by now according to her. “It was OK. It didn’t last very long (probably) because he was so fucked up. When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long. It was a 3-minute ordeal. After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He was sloppy but functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.” Jesus, that honestly couldn’t have been any worse unless she said he was crying and lactating. (e!)

CHERYL BURKE – of Dancing with the Stars is in the Dominican Republic, and PCN says, “The 26-year-old dance star flaunted her fabulous figure.” As you can tell they were obviously being sarcastic. (pacific coast)