every movie MUST have werewolves and/or vampires

By brendon August 16, 2011 @ 3:43 PM

indianwolf

On Friday, Disney shut down production on a Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Gore Verbinski, because the budget was already estimated at 250 million dollars. But before explaining how that’s possible, let’s quickly mention the Lone Ranger origin story, which is surprisingly bad ass.

Six Texas Rangers are ambushed by a band of outlaws led by Butch Cavendish. (Left for dead), a Native American named Tonto stumbles on the scene and recognizes the lone survivor, Dan Reid, as the man who had saved his life some time in the past. He nurses Reid back to health. The two men dig six graves for Reid’s comrades, among them Reid’s brother, and Reid fashions a black mask using material from his brother’s vest to conceal his identity.

After that they go get Cavendish. It’s a classic tale of justice and revenge, but according to Hollywood, if a movie doesn’t have Indian werewolves in it, how good could it really be? And so, according to Hollywood Elsewhere

A 3.29.09 draft of (the Lone Ranger) script makes it clear it was going to be at least partly about some kind of Native American wolfbeast tearing victims apart and leaving a bloody mess.

Now that’s more like it. Every movie should have werewolves all the time, everywhere, and all the old movies should have werewolves digitally added. If you’re a movie without a werewolf, fuck you.

“It was always going to be a big Bruckheimer CG movie with traditional Bruckheimer elements with an eye toward being a tentpole, totally Pirates-style.”
“It was never going to be a semi-traditional western…it was never going to be Zorro.”
“It was going to be a Tonto show mainly. Tonto as the top dog and more dominant than the Lone Ranger. Tonto and the Indian spirits like Obi Wan Kenobi and the force. The driving engine was going to be Native American occult aspects worked in with werewolves and special effects. But flavored with doses of Native American spirituality in a serious way.”

Yes, serious, I get that. The premise is very respectful. Indians are like Luke Skywalker, and sometimes they transform into wolf beasts and tear people apart. If you asked an Indian high priest to describe his religion, he couldn’t have said it any better.

wwtdd

(13) Comments

  1. avatar
    The Fried Man 08/16/2011 16:04

    FIST

  2. avatar
    Mr. Poop 08/16/2011 16:15

    Where does Batman fit into this?

  3. avatar
    RangerLG 08/16/2011 16:39

    Well, the Pirates movies sucked so I can’t say I’m sad they ditched this.

  4. avatar
    Dr Poop 08/16/2011 16:46

    There are very few documented cases of actual lycanthropy, although a colleague of mine recently treated a man who had sexual relations with a coyote for a number of small bite wounds and a bad case of the ‘Chiggers.’

  5. avatar
    i hate you 08/16/2011 16:51

    sounds like the lone ranger could have been cool and now it has to be more like a cowboys and aliens? that is fucked up. thanks for helping DrP. that taint bite was a fucking doozy.

  6. avatar
    Dr Poop 08/16/2011 17:05

    All canines love peanut butter, Hate.

    Be careful out there.

  7. avatar
    SomeoneluvsU 08/16/2011 17:10

    fuckin red skins… always turning into werewolves….
    nothing but savages.

  8. avatar
    Mr. Nutt 08/16/2011 17:19

    I know I’ve said this before but, FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD!

  9. avatar
    SomeoneluvsU 08/16/2011 17:49

    And by savages, of course I meant
    John Riggins

  10. avatar
    MosesRhonda 08/16/2011 20:37

    #I just paid $22.87 for an iPad2-64GB and my girlfriend loves her Panasonic Lumix GF 1 Camera that we got for $38.76 there arriving tomorrow by UPS. I will never pay such expensive retail prices in stores again. Especially when I also sold a 40 inch LED TV to my boss for $675 which only cost me $62.81 to buy. Here is the website we use to get it all from, BidsOut. cÓm

  11. avatar
    zaicaonimei 08/16/2011 20:49

    Come go and see, will not regret it Oh look

    http://www。ifancyshop。com

  12. avatar
    Bolt Vanderhuge 08/17/2011 03:45

    Werewolf Story Teller’s Guide!

  13. avatar
    marlynjonson1122 08/18/2011 10:13

    I just paid $23,98 for an iPad2-64GB and my girlfriend loves her Panasonic Lumix GF 1 Camera that we got for $37,59 there arriving tomorrow by UPS. I will never pay such expensive retail prices in stores again. Especially when I also sold a 40 inch LED TV to my boss for $677 which only cost me $72,13 to buy. Here is the website we use to get it all from,
    CentStart.com

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