J.K Rowling Joins the Knot Twisting Party Over Johnny Depp

J.K. Rowling employed a big ball of words, rationalizations, and circular logic to explain to Harry Potter fans why she's good with Johnny Depp being the star of the next Fantastic Beasts film release. read more

Harry Potter Franchise Defends Depp

All men are no longer allowed to make mistakes and must be on their P’s and Q’s when it comes to their colleague’s T and A. read more

Feminists Posing as Potterheads Want Depp Banished

Johnny Depp is poised to have a significant role in the upcoming sequel to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them as feminists posing as Harry Potter fans are insisting he be sacked. read more

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Johnny Depp Losing Five Homes

You can sort of sniff when you're near the end of a Monopoly game and you're not going to be the eventual winner. In his few sober moments, Johnny Depp must be coming to a similar sensibility.  read more

Johnny Depp Hoarding Kardashian Kouch

How far reaching is the Kardashian Klan's reach of ruin? There might be a conspiracy somewhere buried in those couch cushions. read more

Suing Your Reps Is Fraught With Peril

In Hollywood, your professional reps and personal assistants are like your family. So, only loyal to the dollar. Assume while you've been drinking most of your adult life, your esteemed ten-percenters have been sober and learning shit about you you wish were still... read more

Johnny Depp Stone Cold Assassin

In his current physical state, Johnny Depp couldn't assassinate a wingless bee. In his previous physical state, it would've been a fair fight. The bracelet jiggling wino and self-deluded hippy cowboy made an appearance at the Glastonbury arts festival in England where he... read more

Johnny Depp Spent Like a Drunken Sailor

The business management firm Johnny Depp is suing for leaving him cash poor after twenty years of raking massive paydays is countersuing and releasing emails sent from their reps to Depp urging him to stop spending like a fucking twat baby.  read more

Johnny Depp Looking for Work (VIDEO)

Johnny Depp has made a fortune on any number of big budget movies that largely haven't fared well at the box office. He annually ranks as one of the worst cost-benefit lead actors in Hollywood. He rakes on films whether or not they are the one in five of his movies that... read more

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Johnny Depp Broke Ass

Johnny Depp has fired his long time agent at UTA because he's reportedly sick of paying the commissions on his movie deals and his lying whore ex-wife. Seven million bucks per one marital blowjob is a great cut. read more

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp Still Battling

When a lesbian you married on a pinot noir bender demands seven million to leave quietly, you have two choices. Only one is legal. read more

Amber Heard Broke-Ass

When your buddy who sells magazine subscriptions after waking up midday in a stony haze informs you he's broke, you don't need to ask any followups. Amber Heard's earned somewhere around the ten million plus mark in her film and modeling career. When she says she's broke... read more