Kate Middleton Considering Hippie Hypno-Birth

By Jack June 14, 2013 @ 3:45 PM

Kate Middleton is considering forgoing modern science and giving birth under hypnosis. It’s one of those all-natural hippie birthing techniques that rich douchebags choose instead of plopping out kids high on drugs like God intended. And, the big question — why? This skeletal siren is the future queen of England. Her grandmother-in-law is the richest woman in the world. Her progeny will one day ascend to the throne. In other words, she can afford the best healthcare in the world. Think about all those countries that used to be part of the British Empire where women have to squat in a hut somewhere and hope that they don’t die and that their kid’s live to adult molar age. And Kate wants to do some new age bullshit? Fuck her in her royal ass. Kate should do like Queen Victoria told her daughter on her wedding night, “Lay still and think of Britain” and take an epidural.

wwtdd

(3) Comments

  1. avatar
    metal morphosis 06/15/2013 08:19

    Epidurals have been shown to have the following effects on labor and laboring mothers:

    They lengthen labor.
    They triple the risk of severe perineal tear.
    They may increase the risk of cesarean section by 2.5 times.
    They triple the occurrence of induction with synthetic oxytocin (Pitocin).
    They quadruple the chances a baby will be persistently posterior (POP, face up) in the final stages of labor, which in turn decreases the chances of spontaneous vaginal birth
    They decrease the chances of spontaneous vaginal delivery. In 6 of 9 studies reviewed in one analysis, less than half of women who received an epidural had a spontaneous vaginal delivery.
    They increase the chances of complications from instrumental delivery. When women with an epidural had a forceps delivery, the amount of force used by the clinician was almost double that used when an epidural was not in place. This is significant because instrumental deliveries can increase the short-term risks of bruising, facial injuries, displacement of skull bones and blood clots in the scalp for babies, and of episiotomy and tears to the vagina and perineum in mothers.
    They increase the risk of pelvic floor problems (urinary, anal and sexual disorders) in mothers after birth, which rarely resolve spontaneously.

  2. avatar
    metal morphosis 06/15/2013 08:20

    Epidural also have side effects for babies

    It’s important to understand that drugs administered by epidural enter the baby’s bloodstream at equal and sometimes even higher levels than those present in the mother’s bloodstream.

    However, because babies’ immune systems are immature, it takes longer for them to eliminate epidural drugs. For example, the half-life of bupivacaine, a commonly used epidural analgesic, is 2.7 hours in an adult but close to 8 hours in a newborn.

    Studies have found detectable amounts of bupivacain metabolites in the urine of exposed newborns for 36 hours following spinal anesthesia for cesarians.

    Some studies have found deficits in newborn abilities that are consistent with the known toxicity of drugs used in epidurals.

    Other studies have found that local anesthetics used in epidurals may adversely effect the newborn immune system, possibly by activating the stress response.

    There is evidence that epidurals can compromise fetal blood and oxygen supply, probably via the decrease in maternal blood pressure that epidurals are known to cause.

    Epidurals have been shown to cause fetal bradycardia, a decrease in the fetal heart rate (FHR). This is probably secondary to the decrease in maternal CA caused by epidurals which in turn leads to low blood pressure and uterine hyper-stimulation.

    Epidurals can cause maternal fever, which in turn may affect the baby. In a large study of first-time moms, babies born to mothers with fever (97% of whom had epidurals) were more likely to be in poor condition (low APGAR scores) at birth, to have poor tone, to require resuscitation and to have seizures in the newborn period, compared to babies born to mothers without fever.

  3. avatar
    metal morphosis 06/15/2013 08:23

    Hypnobirthing – you are not under hypnosis
    you simply use techniques to redirect your focus

    “When you have your baby using HypnoBirthing® , you will not be in a trance or asleep. What you will experience is similar to the daydreaming or focusing that occurs when you are engrossed in a book, a movie, or starting at a fire.”

    ” the use of hypnotic techniques during labour by an expectant mother to reduce the pain and emotional stress of delivery”

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