Chris Hemsworth’s Wife Is On the Jealous Side

By Lex December 11, 2013 @ 6:06 PM

I don’t know why this story bothers me so much. I think it’s the sadness sweeping over me knowing that even successful Hollywood actors who could nail any woman end up married to a woman who vagina lashes all the fun out of them. That’s metaphysical angst or something. Natalie Portman was passing around a cutesy tidbit last week about how her steamy porn kissing scene with Chris Hemsworth in Thor 2: We’ve Run Out of Fucking Ideas, wasn’t really her in the scene. It was Chris’ wife, Elsa Pataky. Natalie made up some bullshit excuse about how she had a scheduling conflict during the very day they were shooting the romantic scene, and Chris’ wife just happened to selflessly volunteer to stand in, suddenly producing a perfectly fitting Natalie Portman wig she had stuffed in her purse. If Chris were a man, like, oh, I don’t know, Thor, he might’ve told his wife to back the fuck up while he felt up the hot Jewish chick he’d been promised in the script. But he didn’t, and Asgard fell like a limp dick.

(6) Comments

  1. avatar
    Zeroed Out 12/11/2013 18:50

    Does Lex have some kind of inside track into the life of Liam Hemsworth or is he merely talking out of his ass? I would guess the latter. So much conjecture here. A wig in her purse? Yeah … because makeup departments don’t exist. Maybe your little story is true, but as of right now, there’s no evidence to back it up. So perhaps you should keep these fairytales to yourself. Stick with what you know — bad grammar and a third-grade editing capability.

  2. avatar
    Admiral 12/11/2013 19:27

    Zeroed Out – this website is and has always been the pinnacle of journalistic excellence. Every word written here is verified and guaranteed to be true by a highly trained team of Oxford and Harvard graduates that consistently display the highest form of discrimination when choosing which articles to compose for our reading pleasures.

    Stay in school, dipshit.

  3. avatar
    BillGander 12/11/2013 21:21

    There were no pictures of underage girls in bikinis for him to post (at least not famous ones), so he decided to grab a week-old story and write something stupid about it to waste everybody’s time. Because he’s the worst.

  4. avatar
    The Mildly Tanned Knight 12/11/2013 23:55

    Yeah, she was in the wrong country when they did the reshoot, but don’t let that stand in the way of your journalistic excellence.

  5. avatar
    658811 12/12/2013 07:46

    Journalistic excellence… hooo boy! We struck gold…

  6. avatar
    drpepper92 12/12/2013 10:10

    Well when you put it that way it does start to reek of petty, jealous, insecure wife shenanigans. Whether your built like a beautiful Nordic god (no homo) or just a regular schmoe, struggling at the gym and trying like hell not to pack on the weight again after all that hard work, bitches are territorial.

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