I don’t know why this story bothers me so much. I think it’s the sadness sweeping over me knowing that even successful Hollywood actors who could nail any woman end up married to a woman who vagina lashes all the fun out of them. That’s metaphysical angst or something. Natalie Portman was passing around a cutesy tidbit last week about how her steamy porn kissing scene with Chris Hemsworth in Thor 2: We’ve Run Out of Fucking Ideas, wasn’t really her in the scene. It was Chris’ wife, Elsa Pataky. Natalie made up some bullshit excuse about how she had a scheduling conflict during the very day they were shooting the romantic scene, and Chris’ wife just happened to selflessly volunteer to stand in, suddenly producing a perfectly fitting Natalie Portman wig she had stuffed in her purse. If Chris were a man, like, oh, I don’t know, Thor, he might’ve told his wife to back the fuck up while he felt up the hot Jewish chick he’d been promised in the script. But he didn’t, and Asgard fell like a limp dick.