The Yakuza and The Homeless Will Have Fukushima Fixed Up In No Time

December 31, 2013 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen | 0 Comments

According to my Facebook circle, the Fukushima meltdown is going to kill us all. First, the sushi eaters. Nobody will weep for those annoying fuckers. But eventually the rest of us will be poisoned or melted or smashed by the Kaiju that erupt from the radiated ocean floor. For those of you who can’t remember things that happened two years ago, Fukushima is that nuclear plant the Japanese built to collapse like a house of cards in the event of a certain earthquake and tsunami. Just moments before worldwide destruction, the Japanese government figured out a solution to cleaning up the radiation disaster. The homeless. They have pretty flexible schedules. Round them up and get them to clean up the contamination for a three pack of Top Ramen and handful of pachinko tokens. But getting the homeless motivated for hard work sifting contaminated soil is no easy task. You don’t get to be homeless by being an ambitious mofo. Enter the yakuza, the Japanese mafia. Turns out, they’re excellent motivators. They’re dropping off smiling happy homeless people with shovels and Saran-wrap safety suits to the doorstep of the government contractors getting paid billions to mop up the mess. It’s like suddenly discovering you have ten thousand Karen Silkwoods who won’t ask questions. If the earth isn’t saved by summer, I’d be shocked. Suck on that Facebook friends.

Photo credit: Getty