As Alec Baldwin’s life partner, you have two primary responsibilities. One is to constantly reassure him that, ‘yes, cocksucking faggots are ruining New York’, and the second is to assume the most challenging, but high yielding reproductive positions. Alec’s righteous spermatozoa isn’t quite as motile as five thousand cocktails ago. He needs his young bride to contort herself into the optimum geometric form to translate his angry reproductive juices into future self-aggrandizing hypocrites with amazing hair. Marrying a teenaged Spanish yoga instructor certainly helps in this regard. If she can not perform her conjugal responsibilities, he will quickly replace her with a Romanian child gymnast on her first period.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News