Gwyneth Paltrow Neuters Vanity Fair

By Lex February 04, 2014 @ 6:49 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Attends The 49th Golden Camera Awards In Berlin
Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter is not a bad dude. But he is a huge pussy. Lots of guys fall into this category really, particularly high in our Canadian born brethren. There’s no shame in admitting you’ve been bested by Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s taken down many a man with tools ranging from her deep celebrity connections to her vagina which shoots skin-irritating microwave beams undetectable by the human eye. Last year Graydon Carter ordered one of his journalist deputies to dig into Gwyneth Paltrow’s life and figure out why half the world hated her and the other half loved her. Though that ratio assumption seems pretty generous. Word started leaking out that Vanity Fair’s story was going to be a brutal piece on Gwyneth that included her cheating on Gay Beethoven with the real estate mogul and crappy helicopter pilot billionaire now married to Elle Macpherson. Gwyneth and her team of committed Vestal Virgins started a damage control campaign that included emailing all her powerful Hollywood friends and telling them to boycott all things Vanity Fair. From there, I think she purchased most of Graydon Carter’s old neighborhood in Toronto and threatened to turn it into a monument dedicated to the perfect summer salad. Gwyneth plays for keeps.

To date, the story has never been published. In the latest edition of Vanity Fair, Graydon Carter says even though the Paltrow story was completed five months ago, he never published it because there was too much hubbub in the media about what it contained. He wants to sit on it for awhile. Naturally, you don’t want to release a story when everybody is dying to read it. You want to wait until it’s old and stale and nobody cares. That’s how you sell copies. Nowhere in his explanatory letter does he mention shitting bricks in his sleep because of Gwyneth coming to him in his REM sleep nightmares and smothering him with that microwave ray vagina. So, he’s not really telling the whole truth. Could you at least tell us if Gwyneth talked shit about Coldplay when she was fucking that billionaire?

Here’s photo of Gwyneth Paltrow being given an award in Germany the other night. Even Germans are scared of Gwyneth Paltrow, so they made up something phony to give her so she’d leave them alone to eat their sausage and secretly plot their next Reich.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, WENN

wwtdd

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