I thought they’d kill the Transformers movie series after the studio and producers and Michael Bay all got together and realized that easy money wasn’t making them feel whole inside. That didn’t happen. They just got so peeved over being forced to self-reflect, they cast Mark Wahlberg in the lead as punishment. Shia LaBeouf is a walking turd but he can act. Mark Wahlberg was born to dispense Klondike bars at minor league baseball games and knock up your teen sister. He’s got exactly three moves. The raised eyebrow of discovery, the bicep flex of time to get shit done, and the eyes to the ground at two o’clock when he learns he’s been betrayed. When he combines all three in a single scene, Marlon Brando gets an erection in his grave. Fuck you, Megatron, you’ve got none chance.
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