My basic understanding of economics is that when people really want shit, other people find a way to get it to them. There are any number of people of all political persuasions in the U.S. that badly want a few million rural Central Americans for Christmas. In the latest round of Let’s Pretend We’re Not Encouraging Illegal Immigration, we convinced parents from poor soccer nations to start sending their unaccompanied minors through Mexico to the U.S. border to get intentionally caught and processed into our country. There are tens of thousands of these kids now in detention facilities along our Southwestern border states. The stories the trail of tears kids are telling of rape and assault and other harrowing shit along the journey would make the toughest of Tijuana drug cartel hitmen shiver.
The warehouses full of scared, raped, and molested kids is just about the saddest thing ever, that is until Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee showed up with lollipops. Fuck yeah. Losing your virginity at eleven to a Mexican coyote and his three cousins in the chaparral probably doesn’t seem so horrible now that you have a choice between cherry or grape suckers. It won’t cure the gonorrhea, but it will make you hum God Bless America and promise to finally clean the bathtubs at the Comfort Inn if they let you stay with your undocumented aunt. Good work, Congress. You’ve shat your collective pants once again. Don’t lie. We can all smell it.