Camera Phone Hacking, I’ve Seen Them All Naked

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Kate-Upton-Topless-on-Instagram

I have looked. And I will look again.

America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.

I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.

What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs.  Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?

Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.

For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home.  Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.

Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers.  My penis has the God-given right to be happy.

Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram

wwtdd

(19) Comments

  1. avatar
    Ikwtdwd 09/02/2014 17:18

    Can I see them. Not very computer savvy.

  2. avatar
    Jamieace 09/02/2014 17:46

    Surprisingly well said :)

  3. avatar
    Toast 09/02/2014 18:05

    I don’t need to see them, can I smell them?

  4. avatar
    Blusqrl 09/02/2014 18:21

    Tyler I have enjoyed your childish misogynistic humor for many years now, never PC which I enjoy as an Australian living in this very uptight world of the Stars and Stripes! But come on man there has to be a line and this is a big one. Imagine it was your woman and now millions of Jack asses are beating off to pictures of her and your small cock bouncing off her breasts! Just because their hot and in movies doesn’t give anyone the right to sit in their bedrooms and revel in their most intimate moments! Shame on you and everyone else that thinks its ok! But maybe none of you boys out there gave women so this all you’ve got, even worse! Tyler you suck cock!

  5. avatar
    Joseph the Red 09/02/2014 18:51

    Tyler doesn’t live here anymore.

  6. avatar
    The Mildly Tanned Knight 09/02/2014 19:45

    If you don’t already have them, it’s going to be tougher to find them. Several stars are suing (because these were actually stolen, not left on a lost phone or computer), and McKayla Maroney was underage for her titty-shot. What’s really funny is that out of EVERYONE on the list, Maroney is probably the one happy about her exposure. This girl is a narcissistic mess, and CAN’T WAIT for her 15 minutes of Hollywood fame. She’s also insanely hot, so is sure to find a way to take that step away from gymnastics into something with a future for a woman over 18 (or that wants to grow boobs). Like Miley and Vanessa before her, I called this girl having a sex tape or “leaked” photos to aid that transition.

    I’m all for it. Come on McKayla, you can do better than one push-up pic……Google Courtney Simpson and get back to us when you’re ready for the big time!

  7. avatar
    Xenock 09/02/2014 19:52

    I’ve seen a pile of the pics. But I kept hearing about more and more celebrities. So I thought I saw them all, until I heard about the rest.. And I wish I saw/downloaded them from the site. As I know I didn’t see their names there!

  8. avatar
    woody 09/02/2014 22:14

    boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

  9. avatar
    Jaybles 09/02/2014 23:40

    Regular girls all over the world have their pictures stolen or forwarded to someone that wasn’t meant to see them every day and it mostly doesn’t make it onto the news nor does anyone get arrested. You are in the public eye and are obviously going to be the subject of many peoples desires, and I don’t feel sorry for you.

  10. avatar
    yunni8811 09/02/2014 23:59

    looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

  11. avatar
    DC@KIll 09/03/2014 04:23

    Absolutely well said!
    Especially this:
    “When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes.”

  12. avatar
    Maybe_Observer 09/03/2014 06:07

    Ikwtdwd 09/02/2014 17:18

    Can I see them. Not very computer savvy.

    Try Celeb Jihad ….dot com for a reasonable sample

    Also….Reddit keeps putting them up and taking them down…..

    Also….some are on various Tumblrs….just search on “tags” like “Victoria Justice nude”……

  13. avatar
    Maybe_Observer 09/03/2014 06:09

    All in all……

    ….I like seeing naked famous people…..because if you search “amateur” and “nude”….you will likely see pics of me….and I can’t recommend that

  14. avatar
    jayrodathome 09/03/2014 07:37

    they are all on tpb. Just search “leaked photos”

  15. avatar
    Admiral 09/03/2014 08:03

    I think the thing people are pointing out is just how fast it spread and how obsessed people are about the whole thing. Did you see the comments on that Reddit thread? People were euphoric, like seeing some poorly-lit nudes was the most important thing in the world. I can understand why some people are upset with all the celebrity obsession. I don’t think many people really care about how the celebrities feel about their nudes – they made them so they wanted others to see them. Seriously. These are photos THEY took. I could understand if they were spy shots, how humiliating that would be, but taking ‘selfies’ is entirely different. The only reason to take them is to show others what you see in the mirror – it’s like self-voyeurism. It’s sharing your perspective. If these women didn’t want nudes of themselves leaking they wouldn’t have taken the pictures.

  16. avatar
    Admiral 09/03/2014 08:05

    They understood the risks. Celebrity hacks have been happening for years and years. Half the fun of having nudes is that someone could find them.

  17. avatar
    PingaTip 09/03/2014 09:19

    Uploading nude digital photos to the cloud is no different than storing your naked Polaroids in a drawer in someone else’s house. If you don’t want others to see your nude selfies, you have to keep them under your control at all times. Anyone who assumes they have privacy on the internet is a fool.

  18. avatar
    scallywag 09/04/2014 01:27

    What is of note is whether the actress’ lawyers also intends to go after all sites which have since disseminated images (including ours) and to what degree she can enforce such take down measures versus the rights of free speech of and that of public discourse, especially if the subject matter is a public figure.

    At what point does an image belong to anyone and becomes a vehicle for wider dissemination and contemplation of aesthetics. Would we really all be making such a fuss if the images were say of the content’s of the actresses handbag? Would there be similar outcry? And who gets to define what is morally correct, acceptable and are we ready to give the state such license in deciding what is morally and legally correct to be shared?

    http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2014/09/porn-sites-refuse-take-jennifer-lawrence-naked-leaked-images/

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