Paris Jackson Is Pregnant Or Not

According to BlackAmericaWeb.com, my go-to source for completely unfounded news about the black community, Paris Jackson is pregnant at sixteen. Also just pregnant. According to an unnamed restaurant goer who might exist or might not exist:

“I saw her [Paris] at dinner and she twice made a toast drinking water instead of wine. That and the prominent stomach bulge got people talking.”

Considering she’s sixteen, the water and wine thing seems like some super fucking weak Sherlock Holmesing. But that stomach bulge. Whenever I see a teenaged girl with a paunch, I just assume they’re a statistic in the ever increasing number of knocked up teen girls. Sometimes they’re just fat or bloated and then I apologize later for not assuming so in the first place. Once in a while a dad will punch me.

I’d like to think Paris Jackson is smart enough not to get pregnant before she graduates continuation academy. She did try to off herself at fifteen, so she is rather precocious. Her father was a big proponent of safe sex, or at least paying off the parents of those kids with the wild penis in ass stories at Neverland Ranch pickup time. I hope it’s not true, the Paris part I mean. If she survives it to adulthood without any more scathing, she might just stand a chance of escaping her birthright. Though, realistically, she’s completely and totally doomed. Maybe she won’t read that last part.

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