Christie, Cuomo, and Bon Jovi Decide a Little Ebola Couldn’t Hurt

Governors have to occasionally eat in sandwich shops with regular people who scream at them so they have a different view on people with Ebola hanging out at their bowling alleys. While the President seems hell bent on importing as much Ebola as possible before anybody realizes he’s actually an alien lizard person in human costume, Governor Christie and Governor Cuomo ordered that all medical workers returning from Ebola Central be quarantined in plastic tents for 21 days. This after Doctor Without Borders But With Ebola licked his tongue across every one of the five boroughs after returning from West Africa. The new rule’s first test was a nurse returning from Sierra Leone who Governor Christie rolled up into plastic wrap and locked in a hazmat tent outside Newwark hospital. The nurse lasted about an hour inside the E.T. confines until she cried ‘inhumane treatment’. The White House responded by spanking the shit out of the governors over a policy that might discourage volunteers from traveling to West Africa to help Ebola patients and then immediately flying home to spread the disease. We wouldn’t want that. Hiss, Lord Lizard.

Whatever happened behind the scenes, threats of lost highway funds or Michelle putting more tapioca balls on kids school lunch plates, the governors backed down and announced that home quarantine with conjugals and Pink Dot deliveries would suffice for returning Ebola care workers not yet feverish. So, the Dr. Nancy Snyderman plan that worked extremely well until she got a hankering for Sbarro and put half of New Jersey at risk. For returning aid workers, this means a more comfortable quarantine period. And if you happen to come up Ebola, you can always create a massive city wide panic as space-suited EMTs risk their lives to rush you to hospitals where you can infect more nurses.

This seems to be a big win for the people of West Africa. For the people of the U.S., not so much. At least nobody at the U.N. can call us harsh or reactionary anymore. Or, you know, Ebola free.

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