The Speaker of the House Might’ve Diddled Some Teens

When you learn that your son’s former wrestling coach was engaged in sexual misconduct during his time as a teacher, all you’re really thinking is, oh, man, please let this turn out he was banging underaged girls. Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was indicted because apparently you’re not allowed to hide $1.7 million dollars in hush money payments to people who saw you do something nasty in the school boiler room. You need to let the IRS know about this shit. Dear IRS, I fucked a couple sophomores but they were asking for it, just let me know if I owe you any taste on the extortion payments. I’d appreciate some discretion. I’m in the Kiwanis.

Nobody knows yet exactly what Hastert did back during his high school wrestling coach days, but let’s assume if you’re paying nearly two mill to keep it quiet, it was more than pulling the fire alarm as a prank. Given that Hastert was a Congressman, and a leading one at that, there is a 88% chance he was a no good lying creep with a shady past buried somewhere in his home state. Congressional elections are akin to assembling a pirate crew for the Black Pearl. Hastert was beloved mostly just for being a fat wrestling coach. We inherently assume fat guys are normal beer drinking buddies who always have your back. It sucks when you learn your favorite fat buddy is fucking your underaged daughter. Though not as bad maybe as when you learn you made him second in line of succession to the Presidency.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Update: It was a boy! Mazel tov.