There’s that moment when you wake up and realize you just let Tiger Woods stick his dick inside of you for three years. It’s like an ice-cream brain freeze in your soul. Maybe you run into Charlize Theron at Whole Foods and she commiserates about Sean Penn dick. That only makes it worse. You don’t need a shoulder to cry on, you need a blow to the temple that will make you forget everything that’s happened since turning twenty-seven. Bury those memories deep. That and your nice ass should see you through to a French husband with decent real estate holdings. If your future kids ever bring up Tiger, mention how nobody is perfect. Also that maybe one day one of them will grow up to be a great scientist to cure mommy of the demon bumps around her genitalia.
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