Calvin Harris Tugged His Way to Freedom

Taylor Swift is splitting with the world’s highest paid DJ Calvin Harris because he got a rub and tug massage for two hours at a Thai parlor on Sunset. Calvin Harris claims he’s innocent because he’s British and thinks he can get away with shit by using his authoritative accent. I even believed Gary Glitter for a nanosecond. Nobody goes into a Thai massage storefront for sore shoulders unless that’s where your body is storing backed up jizz. Two hours probably means mom and daughter were brought in to go deep on the guy who’s rich for no apparent reason.

Harris might’ve gotten away with it if he wasn’t dating the single most untrusting girlfriend on the planet. Taylor Swift has made her entire music library and sympathetic persona off of being the cheated on girlfriend. If you don’t respond to texts within eleven seconds with a smiley face emoji her Paypal account triggers twenty grand to four former KGB assassins tasked with murdering you. They can’t be recalled. It’s a failsafe. Mommy needs to make more music. Stupid men.

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