Kim Kardashian Tit Taping

Kim Kardashian has lectured at colleges, orated at graduations, and been featured as a guest speaker at women in business panels. The contrivances all a cover for her big secret. She’s a fucking idiot. An idiot making a fortune on her new pay site dispensing advice to even greater idiots.

“I definitely had to share my tape secret with you guys!! It’s my secret trick to have perfect cleavage in photos. You tape them up so they are super lifted. It takes a little work but trust me it’s all worth it LOL… I’ve used everything from duct tape to packing tape to masking tape and I think that the best I found is gaffer’s tape. It sticks the best! Make sure you don’t have any lotion or oils on when you’re lifting your boobs up with the tape. Just brace yourself for when it’s time to take it off LOL.”

The first LOL is free. The second one just cost you $2.99 and your eternal soul. It turns out these photos are pretty old which means Kardashian’s been hoarding her tit taping secrets for years. Could we all have been sodomized by seventeen different famous black dudes if we’d known sooner? If she discovers the cure for cancer, can we expect the same selfishly slow rollout? Duct tape really does have a thousand and one uses. If it could speak, I’d bet it would choose this one.

Photo credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram