David Beckham Is A Gay Fish

In the animal kingdom there are fish that switch their gender to fill their environment’s procreational demands. David Beckham used to be an amazing athlete, even if his sport was soccer. It’s huge everywhere in the world but the U.S. I hear. Beckham’s spent the last several years being ground under the domestic weight of several kids and a wife who hasn’t eaten since The Super Bowl. The one where Kansas City won.

“I get physically ill when I have to leave the kids now.”

What a good mommy. He feels their absence in his womb. Victoria Beckham occasionally throws the kids a bottle of cider vinegar and tells them to grow up. David Beckham weeps when he’s off to a suit fitting. He’s Caitlyn. Or he’s gay. Like Tom Brady and Brad Pitt. Otherwise, why are we even trying? Caring dad, amazing abs, model wife, illustrious athletic career. It’s demoralizing. Love the earrings.

Photo credit: David Beckham / Instagram