Leonardo DiCaprio Losing Territory

Dick Cheney carried around a Final Solution for gays until his daughter came out. Elliot Spitzer was a stickler for the law until he wanted to bang high-end prostitutes. Or at least until he got caught. Leonardo DiCaprio is speaking out about climate change because aberrations in snowfall patterns affected the making of The Revenant, almost costing him the Oscar he had been preemptively promised. People are self-absorbed. They only care about what affects them directly. If you want someone to give a shit about you, punch them in the face. You’ll instantly become the most important person in their life.

DiCaprio’s latest meteorological meddling might affect his international globetrotting. DiCaprio blasted Indonesia for habitat destruction in its race to produce palm oil to feed obese Americans. Indonesia responded by threatening to ban DiCaprio, cutting him off from supermodel pussy by the pool in Bail. This is his Clark Kent moment. Give up the only sex life he has ever known to save the world. It seems like a big ask. He’s got a big heart. Next year you get two Oscars. Shouldn’t the monkey be the one wearing the mask?

Photo credit: Leonardo DiCaprio / Instagram