Everybody Is Juicing

Revelations that Brock Lesnar tested positive for banned substances after his big July UFC fight are rocking the sports world. The massively sculpted musculature, the square jawline, bacne, and emergency waiver from pre-fight testing eluded many. Much like the fact that Olympic sprinters can now equal NFL linebackers in military press personal bests or Big Papi once put on forty pounds of muscle mid-flight from Minnesota and Boston.

Everybody is cheating. Or they’re trying to cheat. As they should be. Hyper competitive people excel at sports. Add tens of millions of dollars and who the fuck isn’t trying to gain every advantage possible? People kill each other over a tiny fraction of such riches in the street.

Romans didn’t test their gladiators. Attila didn’t test his Huns. There’s no real support for banning performance enhancing drugs other than to un-enhance sports and force everybody into a stupid cover up and penalty dance. Some of these drugs are legitimately dangerous, but so is being pile driven into the ground after being kicked in the face by a two hundred pound dude who crack coconuts with his metatarsal.

You can’t keep weed away from college kids, you certainly can’t keep HGH away from athletes negotiating nine figure contracts. Make the laboratory vials accessible, open, and have Bruce Buffer announce the training regimen of anabolic steroids of each fighter along with poorly chosen nickname and trunk color. That shit will police itself.

Crimes that entail the entire population aren’t tenable to enforce. Whatever the battle was, it’s been lost. Give us forty more jacked-up Lesnars and some battle axes. The $59.95 might become worthwhile.

_{Photo credit: UFC/WWE}