Jessica Alba, Tech Mentor

Apple is developing unscripted TV shows now because why not. They’re first show out of the gate will be completely rogue. A staged reality competition called Planet of the Apps where people make apps for the iPhone. At least the show produced by Subway sandwiches has some funny lines and mall romance before they get down to making B.M.T’s on what is generously called whole wheat. If you can imagine how many overly loud yucks were echoed by sycophants in the room when the Planet of the Apps pun was thrown out by the SVP of Marketing, you have some idea how amazing this show will be.

Apple has chosen Jessica Alba to be one of the show’s tech mentors. Alba is the co-Founder of The Honest Company insomuch as a guy who runs startups asked her if she could smile and sell overpriced diapers to upscale nervous mommies. She takes a lot of photographs in The Honest Company offices in business suits like real business people wear. She’s also deft at wearing tight dresses to distract E.P.A. inspectors of the condemned sulfuric acid plants where they produce their nontoxic baby lotion. That’s technically savvy.

“As a mentor on Planet of the Apps, I’m looking forward to meeting entrepreneurs looking to address a problem with an innovative solution, and to help them realize their vision.”

If this doesn’t create at least five new goofy photo filters for selfies, nothing will. Alba will be joining other giants in the software development field such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Will.i.am who will also mentor the ten times smart Indian kids trying to make the next Snapchat. Apple ultimately had to decide whether to use real app development mentors and have a show nobody would watch, or utilize celebrities extremely loosely connected to high-tech and have show nobody will watch. 

The winner of the series will receive a ten million dollar investment in their app by a Silicon Valley investment firm. Twenty million if that app can break into Jessica Alba’s iCloud and steal her nudes. Reality nostalgia is already growing for Mama June.