Jamal Anderson Fallen Hero

Professional athletes often have very financially fruitful, but short lived careers that put them in the position of being drunken, prodigal, retirees way earlier in life than God even intended. Falcons running back Jamal Anderson was out of the NFL by 29, with a few very solid seasons behind him and not much of a plan for what came next. Naturally, this meant IRS tax liens, foreclosures, numerous DUIs, all leading up to whipping out his dick and masturbating in a gas station convenience store. That’s the inevitable conclusion. Like the gimpy gnu in nature shows. It’s all over but the tears.

The clerk at the store declined to press charges, because who needs that. Plus he probably scored pretty well with Anderson on his fantasy football teams in the late 90’s. Anderson was given a ticket by the cops, warned to never again openly stroke his cock at a gas staton due to federal regulations, and shoved into an Uber. It’s never pretty when the local hero sticks around too long. This guy was your idol growing up. Now you’re ordering him to clean up his own jizz off the Hostess snack cakes aisle. It’s worth considering euthanizing athletes who can’t provide a solid mission statement for their years after pro sports. I’m sorry, Mr. Andserson. Getting loaded, impregnating a stripper, and borrowing against a home already underwater won’t cut it. Could you please take three steps to your left. Yes, just there on the yellow X. Say hello to Manziel for us.