Sex Toy Manufacturer Divulges Shit We Already Guessed

Breaking the silent code among sex toy producers, Brian Sloan, creator of the AutoBlow and the AutoBlow2 for when the AutoBlow became too nasty to keep using, admits that all “uniquely or celebrity” molded vagina sex toys are largely the same generic pussy. In a shocking bit of gender behind the curtains, it turns out men couldn’t give a shit what kind of pussy they’re pounding. They’re merely so damn happy to be there. Molding anatomically correct vaginas turned out to be a huge waste of money, though they are still heavily marketed as such. Who’s the first guy to step up and sue the toy manufacturer for providing inaccurate fake pussy?

As opposed to the dark spaces, it turns men do have quite a different preference when it comes to vulvas, or the externally appearing portion of the female genitalia. Or as Sloan more eloquently notes:

I prefer the exploded hamburger type heavy on the meat flaps, but I know a lot of other guys prefer the moose knuckle style.

Wiser words were never spoken. As such, Sloan is hosting an online contest for women to post pictures of their vulvas, with the top three rated twats receiving five grand and a trip to Los Angeles to have their lips re-created in sex toy form. This is the future of digital age consumerism. Let the dudes who crave rubber pussy decide what gets produced. This is their Dakota Access Pipeline moment. I dare you to weave “exploded hamburger” into a compliment for your girlfriend.