Women’s magazines are fond of the literary conceit where vapid older celebrities write advice letters to their younger celebrity self. It’s a conspicuously inane exercise for women who spend hours a day discussing shoes. Also, Kobe Bryant. Why not merely give high school girls advice? Would Coach Lombardi have considered a telegram to his Fordham playing days self? Not if winning is the only thing.
British Vogue encouraged Victoria Bekcham to write a letter to her eighteen year old self. She informed her teen self that someday soon she’d meet the man of her dreams. And it would be David Beckham. Wow, spoiler alert for your younger self. Is this to help her avoid accidentally making a look of surprise and encouraging face wrinkles?
In her very personal letter written entirely for public consumption, Beckham reminded her eighteen-year old self about all the shitty things that happened at fourteen when being bullied at school. I’d be pissed if my future self discovered an advanced technology to speak to me in the past and spent the time-space continuum resources dredging up old stories we both obviously already knew. Though I suppose Vogue readers didn’t realize even models were picked on as kids. Relatable, but a waste of good science.
Finally, Beckham gets to the good bad parts. Where she informs her younger self not to get an inevitable up and comer series of boob jobs:
I should probably say, don’t mess with your boobs. All those years I denied it — stupid. A sign of insecurity. Just celebrate what you’ve got.
Good point. If you’re trying to fuck over your younger self from arriving at the same hundred million, mansion, and golden fleece period mop you’re sitting on thanks to those fake tits, the Spice Girls, and I can’t think of anything else you’ve done. Does your keep your tiny tits advice come along with a backup career plan? Also, no David Beckham. He may be gay as a Fig Newton nestled in Mario Lopez’ colon, but he’s not looking for a beard with a boyish top. It could’ve easily been Ginger Spice instead of you.
Women’s magazines feel a need to force intellectual themes around their interview subjects because they’re inherently aware none exist organically. Also, unlike men, being completely quiet and staring at the opposite sex’s genitals, makes women uncomfortable. I do hope this letter finds it’s way to Beckham’s teen self. Yep. This is what you become. I’m trying to remember if suicide was a thing in the early 90s.
Photo credit: FameFlynet