J-Lo and A-Rod An Item

Fresh off her publicity concocted romance with Drake, Jennifer Lopez is reportedly humping Alex Rodriguez. Whatever keeps you in the news. The two have a lot in common. First off, they have the same face. They’re both annoying narcissists in their forties. Both are from New York. Both have fucked a ton of people. Rodriguez is Dominican, Lopez is Puerto Rican. Same thing. They’ve both probably killed someone for the thrill of it because the stores weren’t open yet.

According to sources, the two had known each other for some time but didn’t start having really weird sex until Rodriguez went to Vegas to see Lopez do her music show: 

“Alex went to the show a couple of weeks ago, with his friends, and he was blown away.”

What kind of man is blown away by a dance number? You don’t need multiple choice there. 

There’s no greater indicator that someone is completely obsessed with themselves than when they start fucking someone who looks like their brother or sister. Liberace went the extra mile and made his boyfriend get plastic surgery to resemble him. In this case, Rodriguez wearing an Oscar dress and Lopez a Yankee’s uniform will have to do.

It’s unclear who has the bigger dick. Favorite conversation topics include best light for looking at your pierced taint in the mirror, not tipping, when to send back a kale shake, and pegging Ben Affleck. 

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