Julia Roberts ‘Most Beautiful Woman’ For Record Fifth Time

Julia Roberts has been named the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” by People Magazine for a record fifth time. This is the same publication that claims Mama June is a size four and Katy Perry and Russell Brand couldn’t be happier together. Take the crowning with a truckload of salt. These decisions are all made in regard to who moves the most units at the checkout aisle and whose publicist is providing access. Oscar voting is more sincere.

The magazine promises secrets on “How she stays forever young.” They must be assuming that we can’t see her face on the cover. The 49-year-old’s delusion regarding her appeal has been contagious throughout her entire career. She looks like an ailing horse in Joker cosplay. Twenty-six years have passed since Roberts first horrified children in the checkout line on the cover of People as the World’s Most Beautiful Woman. The cowering children were told she was sexy. Now they like her. Culturally acceptable brainwashing.

Relentless self-adoration gets you everywhere. People are gullible. Roberts tells the magazine “I think I’m currently peaking.” Take a moment to let that sink in. Her last gig was voicing SmurfWillow in Smurfs: The Lost Village. Superlative crownings by publications are sure fire ways to get attention. The more unbelievable the recipient, the more sales. This year People chose Julia Roberts. Next year it will be Cash Me Ousside girl. There’s makeup to sell.

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_{Photo credit: People}