Steve Harvey is moving his mundane platitude laced talk show to Los Angeles. It’s like visiting with your great uncle, if your great uncle remained alive simply by not offending his Werther’s Original sponsorship. The Steve Harvey employment phenomenon appears to defy scientific explanation. Nobody has ever met a fan of his, yet he remains omnipresent on television. Clearly he has a tape of someone dropping an N bomb, either that or he went down to The Crossroads and will be doing this well into the next century.
Harvey didn’t retain much of his Chicago based crew for the move to LA, so it appears someone leaked a memo he sent out last year instructing the crew not to speak to him unless asked. Unless you were seeking tips on how to add girth to your mustache, it’s unclear why you would want to. Smart money says he’s keeping the secret of how to get your own talk show without any discernible talent close to the vest in his seven piece suit:
“There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.
Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.
Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.
My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me.
I want all the ambushing to stop now. That includes TV staff.
I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.
Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.
I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.
Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.
I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.
If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.
Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.”
This would make the subjects of the Stanford Prison Experiment blush. What a colossal cocksucker. You would think Steve Harvey of all people would be incredibly humble, since he gets paid millions of dollars to appear bewildered at the simplest of concepts. So Taco Bell is making a taco where the shell is a Dorito? Let me shake my head at the notecard in my hand and say something like “come on man” while mugging confusion. Cut to commercial.
If you happen to see Steve Harvey on set or in a restaurant or at the gym or anywhere bug the shit out of him. Ask him for a photo. Bring up a subject that’s way over his head like grammar and then badger the shit out of him. Then say fuck you too and go about your day. He’s a devout Christian, don’t look for a solution to the water crisis anytime soon.
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